The Rec
by LiLJiLL4286
Summary: I strived on only two certainties: yes or no. Hot or cold. Up or down. Call it a defense mechanism, call it whatever the fuck you want to. In my life, there was no in between. Especially when it came to Edward Cullen.
1. Chapter 1

Just when I thought my life could not possibly get any worse, it did.

Just like that.

I was standing in the frozen food section of our tiny, pathetic excuse of a grocery store, staring absentmindedly at the latest sale on Eggo Waffles while my mom buzzed around me, completely oblivious to my sourness. How she was able to miss my arms crossed over my chest, my brows furrowed in disdain, and my brooding silence was beyond me. In her defense, I guess my mood was par for the course of being a, what do they call it? Oh yes, hormonal teenager, so maybe my mom was playing her part and trying to avoid my mood swings for as long as she could before I snapped at a moment's notice.

"Did you want these, honey? Or are you boycotting them this week, too?" My mom was pointing towards the waffles and was referring to the cereal she had set aside for me earlier this morning. I had shaken my head at her then at the breakfast table, and repeated the motion now as we stood next to Mrs. Stanley in the grocery store. Eating was for people that actually had appetites and at that moment, I didn't have much of one.

"How am I supposed to send you off to college next week when I haven't seen you take a bite of anything, in what, two days, Bella?"

Cue teenage eye roll. "I've eaten, Mom." I was fluent in sarcasm these days.

I wasn't lying. I had eaten a couple of things here and there over the past few days, though it was nowhere near close enough to satisfy my mother and her ever growing need to ensure my safety and well-being in all areas of my life. She paused at me for a moment, looking at me intently before moving passed the waffles with a shake of her head.

I huffed and I wasn't sure if it was directed inwardly or towards my mother. To be honest, even I was getting annoyed with myself. I hated feeling this way, like I was stuck in a gray area when I preferred my life in a constant state of black and white. With a loud and obnoxious groan, I pulled open the glass door sharply and grabbed a box of the fucking waffles, tossing it into the cart with a little too much dramatic flair.

Even through my haze of teenage angst, I knew I was being too dramatic for my own good. I threw my hands up in a state of surrender when my mom turned around from in front of the cart and glared a warning, a warning that told me that I needed to keep myself together before things got a lot worse real fast.

Sure enough, I glanced around to see that even though only a few pairs of eyes were with us in the frozen food aisle, it was enough in a small town like this to give people something to talk about.

And of course they wouldn't hesitate to share that they had witnessed the chief of police's wife and daughter share a moment that would surely taint the picture of perfection my parents had worked so hard to portray since we moved to Forks seven years before.

The picture wasn't a lie. In fact, it was far from it. It was true that I came from a great family. I had a roof over my head and food on the table, if God forbid, I was in the mood to eat any of it. I was the captain of the soccer team. I had great friends and an even better boyfriend. For the first time in the years that I'd lived in Forks, I realized how hard it was sometimes to be seventeen years old and live your life under a microscope just waiting to be analyzed. It comes with the territory of being the only child of the Chief of Police.

"Whatever it is that is going on with you, we can discuss it at home." My mom's voice wasn't menacing but it wasn't spoken in her normal soft bravado. It was firm and I knew better than to challenge her in public.

 _Microscope._

"There's nothing going on, Mom. Can we please drop it?"

She casually strolled over towards the laundry detergent. "Nothing's going on and yet you're checking your phone every three minutes."

I decided not to answer her. I tried to pretend she was wrong. That she didn't know what she was talking about, even when I checked my phone and saw it still empty of messages from the last time I checked it two minutes before. Instead I followed her around the store, throwing some odds and ends into the cart every few minutes. Despite my boycott on eating much of anything with substance, I threw in some things to appease my mom even though I wouldn't need much this week since I'd be heading off to college.

We managed to make it to check out a half hour later, only being stopped by two of my parent's acquaintances. I helped my mom put the groceries on the belt, the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach growing heavier by each passing minute. After loading the bags into the trunk, I heaved a loud sigh as I flopped into the front seat.

Of course I checked my phone. Still nothing.

"Is it Edward?"

My mom's voice penetrated the silence of the car and the symphony of panic radiating throughout my brain so loudly that it startled me. My hands, that had gone to clutch onto my heart in terror, relaxed and settled back into my lap, fingering my phone as my breathing returned to normal. I pushed an errant strand of dark brown hair back behind my ear and groaned in frustration. I guess we weren't going to wait until we got home for us to have the talk my mom needed to have with me.

We were going to have it here in the parking lot of Forks' only grocery store. Apparently.

"Yeah, I guess." I tried to sound as nonchalant as she did even though I was growing more irritated by the second at how casually she brought the subject up.

I didn't have much room in my life for guessing. I strived on only two certainties: yes or no. Hot or cold. Up or down. Call it a defense mechanism, call it whatever the fuck you want to. In my life, there was no in between. Especially when it came to Edward Cullen.

"Care to talk about it?" She put the key into the ignition and turned it so she could adjust the temperature in the car. Regardless of the temperature, I was stifling.

"Not really." I looked out the window, the gray skies surrounding us a perfect match for the storm inside me.

"So you're just going to mope around?"

I turned to look at her, not bothering to hide my annoyance. "I'm not moping around, Mom. I'm just - you know, it's not like this should be a big surprise to him. He knew I was going to NYU. I just don't understand why he's acting like this!" The words spilled out of my mouth before I could stop them and once they did, they didn't stop. I told her how a few days ago we had gotten into a fight and for the first time in my life, I had a problem that I didn't know how to fix.

And that was something that I did not know how to cope with. If something wasn't working, I fixed it. And if it was something that couldn't be fixed, I either accepted that it was broken and moved on, or I replaced said broken thing.

But this was Edward. This was about Edward staying here in Forks and me moving across the country to New York. This was about Edward not seeing how it could work. Him here. Me there.

To me, it was so simple. Like I said, everything in my life was fixable or replaceable.

Except for Edward.

My mom moved her hand to squeeze my knee. "It's probably just hitting him now, Bella. This is going to be a big change for you two."

I shook my head hard enough for that stupid piece of hair to fall out from its place behind my ear again. "Yeah, but it's not like we won't be able to talk to each other, like, all the time. And we can visit each other, too." I was adamant. Maybe a little naïve.

My mom smiled softly at me and it took all of me not to get out of the car and walk the fuck home. "I've told you before and I'll tell you again. This will definitely be a challenge for you and Edward. It's going to be hard to adjust to this new phase of your life."

I loved my mom. Loved her more than anything. But at the moment, I had never felt like such a stranger to her. "I know that, Mom. I'm not stupid. If anyone is acting stupid, it's him. He's the one that's practically ignoring me." I opened my phone to his name and showed her our conversation.

He was there, but barely. Short, clipped answers. Hours between each. Distant. So not like the Edward I had known and loved since I walked into the room in fifth grade as the new kid.

"That's his way of dealing with you leaving." With that, my mom put the car into reverse and started backing out of our spot and out of the parking lot of the grocery store.

"By already learning to live without me?" I tried to spare my mom the dramatics, I really did. But the thought of leaving was already hard enough and I didn't plan on spending my last week with Edward fighting.

"Bella, please. You're seventeen and about to go across the country for college! The best years of your life are about to start!" Her voice softened as my cries grew louder and without once taking her eyes off of the road, she reached over into her glove compartment and pulled out a wad of tissues. "You and Edward have known each other your whole lives. This is something you can work out."

She was right. She had to be.

 _Black and white. Up or down._

My sobs eventually turned to sniffles and soon my fingers were moving rapidly across the glass screen of my phone. Edward and I were fixing this tonight. I was tired of living in this perpetual state of gray and I was determined, no, I needed to be with my guy this week before I left.

A few minutes later my phone buzzed and I quickly skimmed over the message.

"See? I bet that's Edward right now." I could practically hear the smile and relief in my Mom's voice. I shook my head.

"No, it's Rose."

 _You need to come to The Rec. Now._

"She wants me to meet her at The Rec." I answered her back with a question mark, my curiosity piqued.

"Oh, okay. Do you want me to drop you off?" My mom already checked her mirrors and was sliding into the lane to get us to our new destination. I nodded.

"Yeah. Someone'll bring me home."

Like I said, just when I thought my life couldn't get any worse, it fucking did.

\- - - tr - - -

The drive over to The Rec was much lighter than how my mom and I had started out our Sunday afternoon errands. With a determination to patch things up with Edward, I almost felt a semblance to the happy, carefree teenager I usually was.

It wasn't unusual for one of my parents to make the trek over to The Rec, even though it had become the road less traveled for them, literally, as we all obtained our licenses one by one. After so many trips to and from, either picking us girls up or dropping us off, my mom and dad could pretty much drive these roads with their eyes closed. A left here. Two rights. The roads leading to The Rec weren't different from any of the other roads here in Forks. We twisted and turned, tall green trees surrounding us on either side. The sound of our tires sliding over puddles left over from the rain was a comfort to my ears, but it didn't surprise me in the least.

That feeling of comfort came along with The Rec, the place where I had spent most of my free time growing up. The Rec was a two story house converted into a local, social hang out for kids of all ages. It was monitored by staff and volunteers and was a favorite amongst parents of the town because of how efficiently and safely it was run.

The Rec reminded me of my favorite pair of sweatpants. You know, you think about them all day and once you feel them surrounding you, life is just perfect. Everything is perfect.

So was The Rec.

It was our escape. It was a chance to throw away all the stress that came with being a teenager. It was a chance to relax.

In some of our cases, not mine, but people like Emmett, it was a chance to heal.

For Rose, it was a chance to matter.

For Alice, it was a chance to be heard.

For Jasper, it was a chance to hide.

And for me, it was a constant.

And eventually, all the people I met through The Rec became constants in my life, too. And it turned out that consistency was what I was missing in my life, even though I didn't need the years of therapy to know that truth.

But to Edward, it was a chance to belong.

Not soon enough to my liking, the car eventually stopped in front of the brown, wooden building that resembled a log cabin in the middle of the woods. I could see the outside equipment and the jungle gym to the left, but it was empty even though a crowd of people stood in the front of the building.

I unbuckled my seat belt and leaned over to kiss my mom. We smiled at each other, each of us recognizing a glimpse of ourselves in the other. As much as I may complain, she really is up there with Rose in the best friend department.

"Thanks, Mom. I'll let you know when I leave."

"Not too late."

I nodded and made sure not to trip over anything on my way out of the car, knowing firsthand that it was definitely within the realm of possibility for someone as clumsy as me. I heard the car slowly pull away from the curb as I searched the small crowd for Rose and the others, not having to look long once I spotted her long, blonde hair standing near the bottom of the steps.

"Hey, Felix lock us out again?" I said, joining our group and looking around at the familiar faces gathering outside. This was another plus of The Rec. It was the same kids that came every day. No judgements. Just another kid looking for a safe out.

Rose didn't answer, instead brushing her shoulder with mine and pointing a perfectly manicured finger towards the door. I looked at her strangely, bummed that Felix wasn't setting us up with one of his scavenger hunts to find the key. He always said it was about teamwork but I know it was just a chance for him to laugh his ass off at us as we tried to unravel his clues.

My eyes scanned the crowd, seeing no sign of Edward, and I eventually made it to where Rose was pointing. I squinted my eyes in the late afternoon sun, my hand resting on my brow as I strained to read the yellow paper taped to the door.

"Closed?" I turned to Rose in a panic, doubting the words I struggled to read. "For good?"

Rose nodded, shaking her head before hiding her face in her hands. Her voice was muffled against her fingers.

"Felix left a note for Carlisle."

"Saying what?" My voice rose a few octaves.

Rose dropped her hands from her face after wiping her eye. She shrugged. "I'm not sure. Something about money."

In disbelief, I turned to stare at the crowd of people that I had come to know. Most had been around since before The Rec became a part of my life. Some had come after. All were welcomed.

But now we were abandoned. Some for the first time. Some the second.

But for one, it was another in a lifetime of abandonment.

My heart was shaky at best after the past few days but now it was shattered, that pit in my stomach gnawing its way to the center of my chest. I clutched my chest, already feeling the darkness and the displacement but knowing that what I was feeling was on behalf of someone else. While I had lost a piece of childhood and my need for control, Edward lost his purpose. He lost his anchor. After a life in and out of group homes and foster care, The Rec was Edward's home. It was his escape, his hideout, his solace, his sanity.

Rose pointed over to the back of the house, towards the tree that had started it all. Without a word I nodded and disappeared through the crowd, letting Emmett and Rose lean on each other.

The grass tickled my toes between my flip flops, the wetness from the earlier rain making my introduction much noisier than I had wanted it to be. I don't think he noticed though, and if he did, he made no attempt to move on my behalf.

Instead I planted my feet firmly on the ground before hoisting myself up with a jump. My arms and legs expertly maneuvered my body so I was sitting next to him on that ancient and sturdy branch that we discovered when we were ten. We were silent for a few minutes, and I pretended not to see him wipe the tears that slid down his face.

Eventually, when I couldn't take seeing him like this any longer, I slide my arm under his and he held it there for a second, his chin hitting his chest in defeat before he pulled away from me.

"What do you care, anyway? You're leaving this place in a week."

I know it wasn't Edward talking. It was the whole situation. It was the inner child in him that struggled with understanding why no one, or nothing, in his life ever deemed him worthy enough to stay.

"The Rec is the best thing that ever happened to me, Edward."

It was. It really, really was. And underneath the hard exterior he chose to portray that late afternoon, I knew he knew it and believed me. Edward was hurting and I knew he had his walls up and guarded. I didn't blame him and didn't take it personal. We had known each other since we were kids barely old enough to cross the street by ourselves.

"Was." His tone was short and non-expressive, reminding me of his texts that burned a whole in my pocket.

I shook my head at him and reached for his hand again. "Always."

Reluctantly, he allowed me to hold his hand and pretty soon my head was resting against his shoulder, the two of us looking out over the trees and impending sunset in silence as we digested all we had lost with a simple piece of paper left on the fucking door.

The hours ticked by without either of us saying anything, and it wasn't the first time that we had found and lost ourselves in the silence. It was Edward's comfort zone, and though Edward knew nothing could ever grow within a comfort zone, it was what he needed at the moment. Just us. It was what had sustained him time and time again over the years.

With a slow kiss on the top of my head, he lifted our joined hands and whispered, "Let me take you home."

"Okay."

\- - - tr- - -

"Come to New York with me," I whispered into the comfort of car.

We were parked in front of my house, the sun well dipped behind the trees and the moon taking its reign. Edward sighed loudly and drifted out of our embrace. His tethered voice answered a few moments later.

"I'm sure they'll let me stay in your dorm with you." I guess this was where I was getting my sarcasm from.

"We can work something out. Get an apartment or something, I don't know." That was the black-and-white-and-no-room-for-gray-side of me talking now. Solving problems was something I was good at and it was killing me that we had become a problem without a solution.

"Yeah, your dad will love that idea."

Frustrated, I threw my hands up in the air, my voice ripping through the peacefulness of the car. "Where else are you going to go, Edward?"

I watched his nerves get the best of him for a split second and he ran his fingers through his hair, tugging at the ends before exhaling loudly. His eyes dropped to his keys and his fingers toyed with them as he avoided eye contact with me, knowing that we'd get lost in each other if we allowed it.

"Carlisle said I can stay with him for a bit. Until I get back on my feet again. Find a job." Edward shrugged his shoulders as if it wasn't a big deal for an eighteen year old to have nowhere to go. He did until a few hours ago when The Rec was all of a sudden a devastating piece of the past.

"Did he know about this?"

This time Edward didn't try to hide his emotions, the sadness he felt molding itself onto his beautiful face.

"No."

A few more minutes passed in silence before I intertwined our fingers again.

"Just come with me. Everything will work out. As long as we have each other."

He didn't answer me for a few minutes, and I began to wonder if he had heard me.

But then the bastard laughed at me. "Don't you get it, Bella? If I go with you, it's just one more thing in my life that I have to chase after and –"

"What, I'm not worth chasing?" I interrupted, knowing that emotions were running high and with everything that happened within the past few hours, this was a fight I probably should not have picked.

For the first time in what felt like hours, he turned to look at me and what I saw in his eyes shook me to my core, and it should have prepared me for the turmoil I would come to know so well. He squeezed my fingers that were still wrapped around his. "You're worth everything, and you know that. The problem here is that I'm not."

"Of course you're worth it. Why is that so hard for you to believe?" I stared at him incredulously.

He dropped my fingers, scoffing at my disbelief. "The only person who has ever believed in me is you. And now you're going off to New York, to do all the things that you worked so hard for, and what do I have to offer you? Huh? Nothing. Shit, Bella, and as of tonight, I don't even have a job or a place to live anymore!"

This wasn't the first time that we had this conversation. "You are more to me than a job or a place to live." I spoke through gritted teeth, feeling like a broken record. Call me young, naive, or even stupid but I knew that Edward and I were stronger than life's obstacles.

"You say that now, but I'm the one who grew up without a home, not you. Making you live without is not something I can ever do to you."

"Living without you is not a life, Edward."

"It's better than anything else I have to offer."

Now I was angry and I felt like I was losing control of the situation, my future, my life.

"I just don't understand how you can walk away from something you claim to love so much!" I yelled but it wasn't long after that it hit me. I looked over at him, the light from my front porch lighting his face in a soft orange that I'd never forget. "But that's what you do, though. You leave before something can leave you."

I watched as Edward pursed his lips, knowing that I knew that he was doing what self-taught from almost two decades of being on his own.

"You should go. I'll see you before you leave."

I watched him leave and I knew that things were never going to be the same again. I was leaving, The Rec was no more, and Edward and I were most likely another couple to fall victim to distance. I was only seventeen, a few weeks shy of eighteen but damn it, I knew that a love like ours was bigger than this.

It just doesn't matter what you think you know when you're the one half of the couple that believes it.

The timing of everything was the worst of it all, the one thing I tossed around in my brain over and over again. I wonder if I had gone to The Rec that night and that stupid piece of paper wasn't on the door, if our paths would have drifted or converged. Would I have walked into The Rec that afternoon and found him playing air hockey with Jasper, instead of alone on our tree? Would I have been able to convince him that I would be the one to stay with him for the rest of our lives? Would I have gone off to NYU with solid confidence that we would turn out fine in the end?

I didn't know.

There was one thing I was absolutely positive. It was that The Rec had been the backdrop to all of my biggest milestones I had achieved while growing up. I entered The Rec as a lonely and shy fifth grader, and left it, and my childhood crush and high school sweetheart, behind.

I couldn't help falling asleep that night, amidst all the tears and tissues floating around my pillowcase, thinking about how one small decision as a ten year old ended up paving the way for my life to begin.

 **Hello, all! We're about to enter Part I of our story and I'm so glad you joined me on this ride! See you soon!**


	2. Chapter 2

Part I

I really, really, _really_ did _not_ want to go.

Even though I was nine years old, almost ten, I knew that when my mom said things like, 'We're only stopping by' or 'this won't take long', that it usually meant the opposite. I wasn't in the mood to do anything at the moment, especially if it required me leaving the privacy of my own bedroom.

Notice I said privacy and not comfort? Yeah, I hadn't reached a level of comfort yet and I wasn't exactly sure I would ever.

I decided to ignore my mom's voice calling me from downstairs. I already knew she wanted me to go somewhere with her, and judging from what I had seen over the last few days, there weren't many places I wanted to go.

How was I supposed to feel after my parents dragged me away from Phoenix and moved me into the most boring town ever? Back at home in Phoenix, I lived next door to my friend Maggie, like right next door. We were so close we could see in each other's windows. Now? Now if I looked outside all I saw was grass. And trees. And the closest neighbor we had was so far down the road that I didn't even know how I would be able to Trick-Or-Treat in a couple of months once October came around.

I guess with it being only the middle of August I would have some time to figure that out.

We moved to Forks, Washington almost three weeks ago. My dad took a job offer to be this town's new Police Chief so naturally that meant we had to move. My parents figured that summer time would be the best time for me to, what was that word? _Transition_?

So far the only _transitioning_ I had wanted to do was rearrange my room until I found it to my liking. I didn't really want to go out and explore our new town, which was what my mom was annoying me about all day. All I wanted to do was stay in my room that I had just finished and be alone.

I sat down at my newly arranged desk, reaching for the notebook I had put in my top drawer. One of the first places my mom and I had visited (she made me go!) was to my new school to pick up a list of the summer reading I was required to do before entering the fifth grade. I also had to write a summary of my favorite book on the list, and since I had already read all of the books back at my old school in Phoenix, I knew that writing about my favorite book would be a piece of cake. And, if my mom came in and saw me doing schoolwork, she wouldn't drag me along with her to wherever it was that she wanted to go discover.

I heard a knock on my door as soon as I wrote my name on my lined paper, and a second later my mom strolled into my room as if it were her own. So much for my privacy.

"Bella, did you hear what I said? There's this bakery in town that has the best cannoli around," she said in a singsong voice, sitting on my bed which I had decided to put to the right of my desk. "Or so I'm told."

She glanced around my room, nodding and smiling at me as she took in all of her surroundings in my new room. Based off of the smile on her face, I guess she was happy with the way I had set it up. It may have looked ready, but it was still just walls and furniture to me. It didn't feel like home yet.

"Who told you that?" I answered her, pulling out my drawer and placing my summary and pencil neatly on the top before sliding it closed. Not that I'd admit it to her, but she may have had me at cannoli.

"Daddy."

I rolled my eyes, "Of course. Fine, I'll go."

She clapped her hands excitedly and ushered me out the door and down the hallway to the stairs. Our new house had two floors to it and was so different than my house back home in Phoenix. My house in Phoenix had these thick, brown carpets in every room except for the bathroom and kitchen, and I loved how my feet sunk into it after a long day of school and soccer.

Here, our house had hardwood floors and the only carpet we had was the new rug that my mom had just bought for the living room. To make it even worse, the rug didn't even cover the whole room, just enough for our couch and coffee table to go on top of. Pointless, if you ask me, but then again no one really asked me my opinion much these days.

Once I made it downstairs, I slipped my feet into my flip flops where they were placed into a neat pile by the front door and quickly opened it, stepping out onto the front porch. Mom had tried to make it as similar as she could to our porch in Phoenix, so I slid into one of the white, whicker rocking chairs while I waited for her to get all of her things.

Why did she need so many things whenever she left the house?

The only thing I ever left the house with was my soccer ball, which I had already grabbed and was kicking back and forth between my feet as I sat and waited.

"Ready, sweetie?" Mom asked, her keys dangling in rhythm with the swirl of her long, white skirt. I nodded silently, biting my tongue at how much I wanted to tell her that I was always ready, always the one waiting for her.

We settled quickly into her car, the radio static loud in my ears as she mumbled something about having to reset her stations now that the reception up here was another thing that was different from home. I hadn't been to too many places yet here in Forks, but from where I had gone, I remembered how to get there. If the bakery was in town like Mom had said, we would only have to drive about five minutes and make one left turn to get there.

I was right, and soon Mom was parking the car and unbuckling her seatbelt. It wasn't what I would call crowded but there were about four other people there when we walked inside the bakery. One smell and the aroma of the bakery was all it took to lighten my mood. It wouldn't take the town long to figure out that my weaknesses were soccer and baked goods.

"Wow, these are huge!" I exclaimed as I walked over to the glass, my hands pressed up against them, no doubt leaving smudges everywhere.

"See? I told you you'd love them." Mom said from behind as she gazed at all of the other delicious looking treats spread out before us. It took us a few minutes to decide on what we wanted. This was a big decision for us, and it was one that my mom did not make lightly.

I knew where I got my sweet tooth from.

Eventually she decided on the cannoli and these muffins that were about as big as my head. We had just finished paying and were walking out the door when someone stopped us on the way out.

"Mrs. Swan, nice to see you out today," a woman's voice said. Her voice reminded me of Mom's. We turned around to see who was talking to us. "This must be your daughter that the Chief talks about the time." She was smiling now, extending a hand towards mine. I shook it the best I knew how.

Mom smiled back, and I could tell she was grateful to have someone welcome her into this new place we called home. "Hello, Mrs. Weber, isn't it? Yes, this is my daughter, Bella. Say hello, honey."

"Hello." Mrs. Weber and I dropped hands and the two women resumed talking.

"How are you liking Forks so far?"

"It seems very nice from what we've seen. We haven't been here too long, only a couple of weeks."

Mrs. Weber nodded, "Well, it won't take long before you've seen it all. I'm sure the Chief knows his way around here by now."

He did. While my mom and I had come to Forks three weeks ago, my dad moved here about a month before us, in the middle of July. He had taken the time to fix up last minute things with the new house, learn his new positon and the town like the back of his hand so that when Mom and I were ready finishing up things in Phoenix, everything would be all set for us to _transition_ easily up here.

From what we heard, Dad was welcomed into the community with open arms, and it was so obvious that only in the short month and a half that he was here that he loved his new job.

With our bag of treats in a fancy box between us in the car, I grabbed my soccer ball and bounced it back and forth from knee to knee. My mom drove slowly through town, pointing out little shops that she couldn't wait to go to. Glancing down at my own attire, I didn't know if the stores we passed would have plain white tee shirts, and loose Nike gym shorts.

At least I had put on my pink shorts to please Mom.

We drifted past the stores with a promise to actually go inside before school started in a couple of weeks. I guess Mom was right when she said I would have to get warmer clothes eventually. The thought of snow made me happy, especially because I had never seen a snowflake in real life and was excited to get to see one here.

"How about we just drive around for a bit, okay? We can stop wherever we want." Mom fiddled with the radio until she finally found one that was a little easier on the ears.

Knowing that finishing my summary was the only thing I had waiting for me to do at home, I shrugged my shoulders and agreed.

We drove aimlessly for a while with no place in mind to go, the two of us pointing out things along the road. If I had been in the car with anyone but Mom, it really would have been so boring that it would have made my book summary actually seem exciting. But Mom always made the little things seem important.

We were driving for about twenty minutes before she pointed to a brown sign with an arrow on it.

"You know, that's the third sign I saw that said 'The Rec'. Maybe it's short for Recreation Center, or something?"

I looked up from my ball. I had seen a few of the signs over the course of our drive, too.

"Do you want to stop and check it out?"

"Sure."

It wouldn't be long until I found this small town of Forks all of a sudden a lot more interesting.

\- - - tr - - -

We followed the signs for what seemed like forever down a bunch of windy twists and turns. There were tall trees everywhere, the road being the only thing that separated one set of trees from the other. Mom slowed the car down once we saw the last sign and turned into the long driveway, our tires loudly slicing through the silence of the remote area.

From the outside, it just looked like a picture of a log cabin I saw in my Social Studies class once back in Phoenix. It was bigger than my house, the one in Forks. It looked longer, too. There was a small swing set near the back of the building and I couldn't see them but I could hear some kids shouting in the field behind the house.

"This looks…interesting?" My mom offered, getting out of the car and shutting the door behind her. I sighed and joined her, bringing my ball with me and tucking it under my arms against my hip.

I pointed over to the swings set, seeing it better now that we were out of the car and closer. "It looks like a place for babies."

"I don't know. Are those monkey bars over there?"

I looked over and squinted. Maybe.

"Come on, let's go inside."

Mom tugged my hand and we giggled like little kids as she hurried us up the steps and towards the big, green front door. There was a sign on it that said to come in and my mom didn't waste any time pushing the heavy door open and forcing our way into the open space on the other side.

I don't know what I was expecting before we went in, but what I saw was not what I was picturing at all. It was quiet inside with the exception of a television playing softly in the corner and a few kids surrounding it. In the center of the room were a few rows of tables and benches that reminded me of the picnic tables we had outside of our school back home. In front of the window next to the door was an air hockey table that no one was using.

"Hello?" My mom called into the strange building, yanking me with her towards the hallway off of the big room we were in.

Maybe it was because I was distracted with all the new things surrounding me, but I wasn't ready to move, or maybe I should say my feet weren't ready to move even though my body propelled itself forward.

Downward is more accurate.

Down I fell, and even though the fall wasn't far, one hand was still firmly gripped within my mom's and the other lost control of my ball as my left side came in contact with the linoleum tiles on the floor beneath me.

"Bella!" My mom shrieked in a whisper, not worried that I was hurt but more embarrassed because here I was falling in public once again. I winced, humiliated that I had not only fallen, but I had fallen down while my mom held my hand in front of a group of kids that looked to be my age. They looked over at our commotion, and I wanted to crawl into a hole and die when my ball rolled over right over to them and bounced against a girl's feet.

"This yours?" The girl bent down to pick up the ball and she eyed it before looking up at me. I nodded, happy that my brown hair falling into my face hid my embarrassment.

"I've never seen a purple soccer ball. Alice will love it!" The girl exclaimed, her eyes lighting up as she tossed it back to me gently. I caught it quickly and tucked it back into its place on my hip.

The sound of a door opening behind us caught our attention and we all turned to look. A man walked out, brown hair like mine, and he had a weird look on his face, like he was scared of something.

"Everyone alright?" He asked, looking at the kids on the couch first and then over to us. He put his hand out for my mom to shake and she shook it eagerly.

"Yes, yes, she's fine. A little clumsy, but fine. I'm Renee, and you are - ?"

"Felix, ma'am. I'm the owner here at The Rec. Did you want to come in my office to talk?"

"Of course. Bella, come – "

"Bella can stay here with the kids. Rose here will keep her company." He pointed over towards the girl who had caught my ball with her foot. She nodded happily.

I don't know who had the bigger smile, Rose or my mom. She kept watching me over her shoulder as her and Felix disappeared down the hall into his office. Once she left I turned back to the kids they left me with.

There was the girl, Rose, who was in the middle of braiding her long, blonde hair. She moved a little on the couch so I could sit next to her, and I did, awkwardly sitting on the corner of the cushion. A little to the left and I would fall on the floor again.

Next to Rose was a boy who looked a little older than me. He didn't move his attention away from the TV, and even though he didn't pay me any mind, he didn't look like a bully even though he was the size to be one.

Across from both of them on a small chair near the TV was another girl engrossed in a book. She didn't look up at me either, which I found more comforting than if she had talked to me like Rose had.

"Where'd you get this ball from?" Rose's voice brought me out of my own head and back to her. I could tell she wanted to see the ball again so I took it off of my lap and handed it over to her.

"My coach from back home gave it to me for a going away present." I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.

"You're new?" Rose looked up from my ball with an excited look on her face.

"Yeah," I replied sheepishly. I knew I was the new kid in town and now everyone else did, too.

"To Forks? Or to The Rec?"

"Both, I guess."

I looked around the room again, taking in new areas that I hadn't seen before when I had first walked in. A small nook in the corner filled with books and beanbags that looked super comfy. Another TV in another small corner that was hooked up to a bunch of different video game systems. There was one of those basketball games that you found in an arcade over on the other side of the room, along with a couple of other older games, most likely from the same arcade that the basketball game came from.

This place actually looked….fun?

"Oh, okay. Well that's okay. We like new people around here, right?" Rose turned towards the boy sitting next to her on the couch. "This is Emmett. He was new here like, two years ago I think."

He quickly moved his eyes away from the show he was watching and gave me a quick wave with two fingers before turning his attention back to the TV. Rose rolled her eyes and pointed over towards the girl in the corner.

"That's Heidi. She's not new." She made a weird face at the girl and I stifled my laughter.

"Where are you from?" Rose asked once I had stopped giggling.

"Phoenix." I said.

"Arizona?" Emmett interrupted, his show apparently over as the credits rolled across the bottom of the screen.

I nodded, "Yeah."

"Well, why did you move here? Most people usually move away from Forks." Rose said and tossed the ball up in the air a few times.

I raised one shoulder in a shrug, "My dad got a new job. He's the new police chief."

That got Emmett's attention. "Wow! Does he bring home his guns and stuff?"

Most boys acted this way once they found out my dad was a police officer, even the boys back in Phoenix. "I guess, yeah. But he always keeps it locked and hidden so I won't find it."

"Cool." Emmett said, standing up and stretching before turning off the TV, not bothering to ask Heidi if she wanted to keep it on for herself. She made no indication it bothered her, anyway.

"Come on; let's go show Alice your soccer ball. She loves all new things, too." Rose said, grabbing my hand and pulling me down the hall and towards a sliding glass door.

"Ali! Look! A new girl _and_ a new soccer ball!" Rose shouted once we stepped foot onto a small deck. Emmett was behind us and he closed the door once he was outside, too. Across the grass I spotted two kids, one girl and one boy. They were most likely the kids I heard yelling from the car when Mom and I had first gotten here. The girl, I assumed was Alice, beamed a smile that I saw across the whole field that stood between us. She bounced a few steps in front of the boy who trailed behind her reluctantly.

"Kick it!" She shouted at us, and Rose threw the ball onto the grass off the deck steps and bounded down them quickly, kicking the ball as hard as she could in Alice's direction. Alice stopped the ball and turned and kicked it back towards the boy behind her. He trapped it easily and dribbled it back and forth between his feet as the two of them and the three of us met in the middle of the open field.

I felt the tiny bugs that live in the summer grass hit against my legs as I walked but I was used to them, considering how big this sport had been in my life. We stopped once we all got closer and I took a second to look at the two kids I had yet to meet.

"This is totally cool. Are you any good?" Alice asked, pointing towards my ball and then at me. I nodded, not wanting to boast about my soccer skills. Mom always said it wasn't good to brag.

"Yeah, I guess. I've been playing since I was in Kindergarten." I tried to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal.

"Do you score a lot of goals?"

I couldn't help but smile when I answered her. "I got my first hat trick last season."

"What the hell is that?" Rose asked, and I felt my eyes go wide at her choice of words. Mom wouldn't let me hang out with her again if she heard her use the word _hell_.

"It's when someone scores three goals in one game, idiot."

It was the first time the boy that stood a few feet behind us all said anything, and my eyes turned in his direction at the sound of this voice. He looked at me quickly and looked away just as fast.

Rose groaned next to me and pointed, "This is Edward. He's _definitel_ y not new." She didn't make a face at him like she had made at Heidi. I guess Edward was part of their "group" too, even if I could already tell that he was a little more standoffish than the rest of them.

"Well, let's play! Can we play with this?" Alice shouted, taking the ball from Edward's feet and kicking it in front of her as far as she could to no one.

"Yeah, sure." I laughed, watching her already play with it before I said we could.

"Okay. Rose and Emmett will be on one team and," she paused and pointed a finger at me, "What's your name again?"

"Bella."

Alice clapped and continued.

"Okay, Bella and I will be on the other team. Edward will be goalie."

I heard the boy, Edward, groan behind me. "Why do I have to be the goalie?"

"Because I want to be with Bella." Alice said, throwing her arm around my shoulder before leaning in and whispering before we walked off, "Okay, so how do we play this game again?"

I was laughing too hard to be able to answer her right away.

"Okay, be nice to her, Alice. Her dad is a police officer!" Rose called from her position of defense across from us. We had designated goals between two trees on one end of the field and a garbage can and one of Alice's shoes on the other end.

"Really?" She looked at me, her eyes wide.

"Yeah, the new police chief."

"Chief Swan?" It was Edward's voice who asked me.

"Yeah, how do you know him?" I questioned, shocked that a boy my age knew my dad by name.

"Let's play!" Emmett shouted and interrupted, shooting Edward a look that I meant something I wasn't sure of.

We played until Mom practically dragged me across the field.

"Well, what do you think, sweetie? Would you want to come back here tomorrow?" Mom asked as we were buckling our seatbelts and pulling out of the gravel driveway.

I couldn't wait to go back to The Rec.

\- - - tr - - -

The next few weeks before school started I spent with my new friends at The Rec.

It turned out The Rec was a place where kids could come to hang out and do whatever they wanted. Parents were able to stay if they wanted to, but it was mostly a place just for us kids to hang out. There was always supervision around us, whether it was Felix, the owner, or some other worker or volunteer. My mom was reluctant to let me stay without her the first few times, but eventually, she came around because she saw how much fun I was having.

Without knowing it, Forks had started to feel more and more like home, and I was pretty sure it had to do with The Rec and all my friends I had met there. Emmett was going into seventh grade, Rose was going into sixth, and me, Alice, and Edward were all going into fifth. Our houses were scattered all around Forks so we usually only saw each other at The Rec. We were there every day. Emmett and Edward usually rode their bikes to wherever it was we wanted to go and my mom never minded picking up Alice and Rose.

The rest of the summer flew by. We spent our days laughing and playing and goofing around, and we always ended our nights by the bonfire that one of Felix's employees, Carlisle, always made for us.

"Tell us one thing that the world doesn't know, Bella," Alice whispered, closing her eyes as we lay in the grass with the stars above our heads. I thought for a second, the smell of the fire burning my nostrils and coating my clothes with a scent Mom swears doesn't come out in the wash for weeks.

"Chips Ahoy are the best when you microwave them."

It was stupid really, but I'll never forget it.

It was the first night that Edward smiled at me, and it made my stomach do this thing that I had never felt before.

\- - - tr - - -

 _Dear Diary,_

 _This new place may not be so bad after all._

 _Love,_

 _Bella_

 **A/N: One grade level per chapter until we meet where we started with Bella heading off to college. Then Part II begins.**

 **I'm aiming for weekly updates, but with work starting again in two days (I'm a teacher and not working in the summer is a perfect time for me to write! Bummer that it took all summer for me to finally map out and write this story that has been on my mind for the last eight weeks!) Thank you all for following and reviews. As much as I'd love to respond to reviews, RL is hectic with two wild boys under four, so I can't promise anything. Just know I love, read, and appreciate them all! See you soon.**


	3. Chapter 3

Second to the snow, the one thing I loved about Forks was the color the leaves turned in the fall. Mom and I went to the bakery in town every Sunday morning because there was always some type of new fall-like dessert that was just the best thing I ever had.

This was my second fall in Forks and I had been looking forward to it since last year. The weather was turning cool and Mom had bought me this really cute brown jacket that all of the girls in the sixth grade wanted to have. When you're eleven like me, things like that matter.

Not to me, really. It mattered to Rose but I didn't really think about things like that too much. I was too busy playing on the JV Soccer team and playing with my friends and trying to come up with a cool Halloween costume.

Halloween was in two weeks and Rose, Alice, and I still weren't able to decide on what we wanted to be. Last year we all went as M&Ms. It was the first time that I had matched a costume with friends before and we all just looked so funny in our costumes that we spent most of the night laughing as we made our way house to house.

The boys thought we looked ridiculous but by the end of the night they even tried on our costumes themselves.

It was the best Halloween I had ever had so I wasn't sure how this Halloween could even come close to topping last years.

That was how we found ourselves sprawled out on the beanbags inside The Rec on a dreary and wet Wednesday afternoon, flipping through a magazine looking for costumes. School had gotten out a few hours earlier and practice had been cancelled because of the weather, so naturally I had taken my free time to be with my friends.

With our homework finished hours ago, Alice was going back and forth between looking over our shoulders at the magazines and emptying out these big cardboard boxes filled with fall and Halloween decorations. Edward and Emmett were trying to turn The Rec into a haunted house with whatever material they could use from the boxes Alice was lugging around.

They weren't having much success but they were having fun and that was all that mattered.

It mattered to me because whenever we were having fun, it meant that I got to see Edward smile. It was the same smile from my first summer here and it still made me feel weird.

But in a good way.

Edward didn't smile much, but when he did, it made all the waiting worth it.

Rose nudged my shoulder with hers and pointed to a costume on the page in the magazine. "We can be the people of Grease!"

"Grease?" I said, strangely, eyeing the picture Rose was pointing to. "Who are they?"

Rose and Alice looked at each other before looking back at me like I had two heads.

"You've never seen Grease, Bella?" Alice asked, her eyes wide.

I shook my head.

"It's only like, one of the best movies ever. We should tell Carlisle to rent it for us from Blockbuster on Friday night." Rose said, popping the gum in her mouth and flipping the page over to see if there were any better ideas.

"It has to be this Friday though because next Friday is Halloween!" Alice took this moment to stop unloading the boxes and squeal over to us. She flopped next to us on the edge of the beanbag, making Rose and I fly in the air. We laughed until I grew serious again.

"We won't be going to Trick or Treating at all if we don't find costumes!" I said, beginning to get worried. If we didn't decide on costumes soon, Mom told me she was going to make me one herself.

How embarrassing would that be if I was a sixth grader who's Mom made her own costume?

I wasn't going to let that happen.

"What about this?" Alice asked, pointing to a group of friends in red and white striped sweaters.

"Why are they all dressed in red and white stripes?" Rose questioned, and I could already tell by the hesitation in her voice that she didn't approve of the costumes.

"They're supposed to be Waldo. As in _Where's Waldo_? And you can hide in the crowd and people would have to find you!"

Rose shrugged her shoulder, "It's okay, I guess."

"Let's keep looking."

The three of us skimmed through the pages, pointing out things we liked as we went on. There wasn't anything that we were too impressed with.

"Whatcha' lookin' at?" Emmett said as he appeared to the right of Rose's shoulder. Emmett was two grades older than us so he was always doing things like that to Rose like it was something he was supposed to do because he was an eighth grader. Edward was in our grade and didn't ever get too close to anyone.

One time, we both reached for a Twizzler at the same time and he quickly dropped his hand but I still saw something weird on his face for a second before his normal face returned. I tried to concentrate on our costumes and not focus on the fact that Edward had slid into a spot on the floor kind of next to me.

"We're trying to find costumes for Halloween but these are all stupid." Rose rolled her eyes and shut the magazine, tossing it on the floor in front of us. She turned around to face the boys. "What are you guys gonna be?"

"I'm gonna be Jason!" exclaimed Emmett as he pretended to slash Edward over and over again. Edward laughed and I felt that thing in my stomach again.

I kind of liked it.

"Who's Jason?" I asked. I watched as my friends all laughed and shook their heads at me. Not Edward, though. He never really laughed at me.

"Geez, Bella, do you watch any movies at all?" Alice joked. She leaned over and hugged me.

"He's this guy that goes around wearing a mask and kills people." Emmett explained.

"Halloween is stupid." It was the first time Edward had spoken since he had sat down near/next to me. Emmett rolled his eyes.

"That's because you don't have a costume, dick." My mom seriously would kill me if she heard the words that came out of his mouth sometimes. I had grown used to it over the year that I had become friends with all of them but it wasn't something that I told my parents.

"You guys should just be M&Ms again this year. You guys looked ridiculous!" Emmett started laughing again at us.

"No way. M&Ms were so last year. This year we're going to find something even better." Rose replied, always able to keep up with Emmett and his relentless teasing. Maybe it was because she was one grade older than us in seventh grade.

"Time's runnin' out." He teased back, and she shoved him playfully and I watched as he pretended that her little shove actually hurt him. It was very entertaining to watch these two. I glanced over at Edward, secretly wishing that I would one day be able to shove him the way that Rose shoved Emmett.

I admitted to myself a long time ago that I had a little crush on Edward but I swore to myself that I would take it to the grave. No one, not even Alice, Rose or my mom, knew that I thought about Edward a lot. I was always wondering where he was and what he was doing. Rose had told me that Edward moved around a lot, from house to house, or to a place where a bunch of kids lived together.

I also knew that Edward never liked to talk about it.

One time he came to school with a black eye and when one of our teachers saw it, we didn't see him for three weeks! It was the longest three weeks ever but one day he showed up at The Rec like nothing had changed.

Maybe that was why he was always so serious. It seemed like Edward was the most grown up out of all of us.

"Hey! I know! We can be characters from that video game!" Rose shouted, pointing over to one of the other TVs where Eric Yorkie was playing Mario Kart. She pointed to the boys. "You guys can be Mario and Luigi and we can be the Princesses! "

"Only if we get to ride around in little cars and race each other." Emmett said and we all laughed, and I could already tell that the idea sounded like a lot of fun.

"Oh my God, this is perfect! Edward, let me see that magazine. Maybe they already have the costumes we can buy!" Alice motioned over towards Edward and he tossed her the magazine. She flipped through the pages so fast I could barely keep up.

"There they are!"

We all leaned over her so we could see what she was talking about.

"Oh my God you guys, this is already so much better than last year. Emmett can be Mario because your hair matches his, Edward can be Luigi because you're both tall, Rose can be Princess Peach because your hair, matches, too. Bella can be Daisy, and I'll be Toad. But a girl version." Alice prattled on a mile a minute, the wheels in her head already turning.

"Tomorrow after school let's go get them. There's one of those Halloween stores in town." Emmett said, and I could tell he was excited now. Halloween excitement was contagious.

Then I remembered, "I have a game tomorrow. But I can see if my mom can take me after."

"I have a thing tomorrow, too." Edward said quietly, looking up from his fingernails quickly at us, his eyes flickering over to me before back down at his fingernails.

Before I even knew what I was saying, the words were flying out of my mouth. "You can come with us, Edward. My mom can pick you up after my game."

I could tell he was thinking about it, making sure that whatever secrets he kept remained that way. Eventually he nodded and his eyes met mine briefly. "Okay. Just pick me up from here."

I know it wasn't a big deal but in my eleven year old mind, it was a huge deal. Even bigger than Halloween itself.

\- - - tr - - -

The rain held off the following day, which meant we were battling it out on the soccer field under a huge dome of gray. It was getting colder with each passing day and the ball stung whenever it made contact with my body. After playing all these years it had just become part of the game and I loved it. The steam came off our heads as we sweat on the sidelines, discussing strategy and ways to close the gap between their victory and our defeat.

We played as hard as we could but we still lost, 3 – 2.

Mom was there, sitting on the bleachers with what looked to be about a million layers of jackets on. Rain, shine, or cold, Mom was always there to cheer me on. After our Coach held a quick team meeting, I reached into my bag and slipped on a pair of track pants over my shorts, my legs already warming from the chill of the autumn air. I didn't bother to change my shirt, opting just to leave my jersey on. Mom and I said goodbye to everyone and I quickly got into the car, anxious to see Edward and get our costumes.

I don't think Edward and I ever hung out together by ourselves. There was always at least one other person with us and I glanced at myself in the side mirror quickly, hoping Mom wouldn't notice that I was trying to fix the hair that had come out of my braid during the game.

We got to The Rec about fifteen minutes later and I saw Edward playing outside with a group of kids from Emmett's grade. I didn't know who they all were but he started jogging over to us after a quick wave goodbye once he heard the rumble of our car.

I hopped out of the front seat and slid into the backseat with Edward.

"Hi, Edward. I hope you weren't waiting long. Bella's coach wanted to talk to the team after the game."

I watched him shake his head, his copper colored hair shifting slightly as he did so. "Hello, Mrs. Swan. I just got here a few minutes ago." He spoke a little louder than he usually did, probably so my mom could hear him from the front seat over the heat that was blaring out of the vents.

I don't know if Mom would ever get used to the cold that Forks could bring after spending most of her life beneath the Arizona heat.

She smiled into her rear view mirror. "Good. Are you two ready to go?"

We nodded and soon we were heading into town.

"How was the game?" He asked me once we had turned out of the gravel driveway of The Rec.

"Not bad. We lost, though."

"That sucks."

"Yeah. I scored both of the goals, though." I perked up a little bit.

He looked over at me and smiled real wide. "Two? That's good enough for Varsity."

"Yeah, Coach says I'll probably make Varsity next year in seventh grade."

My mom piped up from the front seat, "Of course you will, sweetie. Especially if you decide to go to soccer camp next summer. Then you'll really be ready."

I rolled my eyes at Edward and pretended to gag and he gifted me with one of those laughs he saved for rare occasions.

"I hope the costumes aren't gone yet," I said in an attempt to change the subject. It wasn't like I didn't want to go to soccer camp; it's just that I would rather spend my time at The Rec with everyone else. They didn't go to sleepaway camp, or soccer camp, or day camp, or anything like that. They just woke up and headed over to The Rec, and to me, that sounded absolutely perfect.

"What will you do if they are?" Edward asked.

"I can make your costumes! I don't mind." Mom interrupted again.

Thank God the lights of downtown caught all of our attention because as much as I loved being this close to Edward in the backseat, I realized just how embarrassing parents can be. It didn't look like Edward minded at all. In fact he kept that smile on his face for the whole car ride.

Soon enough, Edward and I were slipping out of the backseat after my mom found us a place to park. It wasn't far from the store, and even though none of us had ever been there before, it was pretty easy to find. It was the busiest store on the block and it was filled with that fake smoke that spilled out of cauldrons and scary masks almost everywhere around us. We weren't in any rush and spent a good while trying on some masks and other things pretending to scare each other. We didn't mean to but we eventually made it over to costumes meant for kids our age and we split up in order to search for the costumes we were looking for.

It didn't take long to find mine. The sizes were easy enough and I grabbed one off the rack and turned around, looking for Edward. I saw him over near the costumes for boys, and watched as he held his Luigi costume against him. It seemed like a perfect fit until I watched him glance at the wrist of the costume and then put the costume back on the rack.

My heart sank.

"Why aren't you getting the costume?" I asked, walking over to him. The swish of my track pants must have startled him because he turned around abruptly before shrugging his shoulders.

"They don't have my size." His voice was that quiet one again, very different than the one he used in the car.

"Yes they do! Look," I flipped through the costumes again until I found it. I shoved it against his chest. "I found one right here. There's only small, medium, or large. This should be perfect."

I watched as his face changed and suddenly it looked like he was angry. "Halloween is stupid. Who wants to be Luigi, anyway?"

"I like Luigi better than Mario, actually. He's a lot nicer."

"They don't even talk, Bella. How do you know if he's nice or not?"

"Look, he's smiling in this picture." I held up the picture on the price tag. "And look at Mario."

He smiled before it quickly disappeared. He said quietly, "I can't get the costume."

"Why not?" I demanded, and with my hand still holding his costume, I put two and two together when I saw Edward look at the price tag and then back down at the ground in embarrassment.

"I brought all my allowance money." I whispered back to him, looking over my shoulder to make sure this wasn't a time where my mom could chime in something else to further embarrass me. Or Edward.

"So?" Edward asked, and when I placed my costume in the cart with mine he pulled my hands off of the cart. "No way!" He was looking at me like I was crazy. I probably was.

I tried to ignore the fact that he had touched me, even though I kept screaming it in my head with glee.

"Shh! Shh! You can't be the only one out of the group not wearing one."

"I don't care. I hate Halloween." Edward crossed his arms over his chest, set on leaving the store without a costume.

"Well, I love it." I huffed. I shoved the costume back into his chest. "Just do my Math homework for me or something and we'll call it even."

I knew that if I didn't walk away, Edward and I would have argued until the store closed, so I did just that. I walked away, leaving him arguing in a battle with himself. I headed over to the register, pretending to look at Halloween accessories, knowing that I didn't really need any of the things I was looking at. I reached out and grabbed a package full of fancy costume makeup. Even though my Daisy costume didn't necessarily require any special make up or anything, I knew Rose and Alice could teach me how to put this crap on my face. I decided to buy it, too. A few minutes later I saw Edward trudge over to me in line, covertly handing me his costume. He sighed loudly with his face staring towards the ground while I jumped up and down in excitement.

"Thank you." Edward said, and I answered him by doing what I saw Rose do with Emmett the day before.

I nudged his shoulder with mine, and I guess it worked because Edward gave me this cute little half smile before staring back down at the floor in the Halloween store, his face as red as a tomato.

\- - - tr - - -

"Mrs. Swan, do you mind dropping me off at The Rec? I forgot my homework." We were driving home from the store and the street where Edward lived on was coming up on the right. The Rec was only a few turns down the road.

"Sure, hon. Not a problem at all." We had found out pretty quickly over the year that we had been in Forks that there wasn't much Mom wouldn't do for my friends and I. She kept the car driving straight down the road, easing the car towards The Rec.

Edward and I had kept a nice conversation in the car while we were driving but now we were quiet, and I was already sad at the thought of our separation. It wasn't like we weren't going to see each other tomorrow in school and at The Rec, but still. I liked being around him.

We pulled up into the driveway and Edward reached to unbuckle his seatbelt, thanking my Mom for the ride.

He looked at me. "You can go. It's going to take me a while to find it."

"I'll help you. Be right back, Mom."

I don't know if Edward heard me because he never answered me. We walked into The Rec, the only light coming from Felix's office and the glow from one of the TVs.

"Bella, go back in the car."

I shook my head hard. "No, I want to help you."

Edward flopped down onto the couch, running his hands over his face. "I don't need any more of your help."

I tried to ignore his harsh words and the way that he spoke them, making me think briefly for a second that maybe he didn't have as much fun tonight as I had. I ignored that feeling in my gut. "I think you do need my help because your backpack is right over there. And Mrs. Cope didn't even give us any homework tonight, remember?"

"Oh, I had other homework to do."

"Good. So let's go back in the car and my mom will take you home." I handed him his backpack and he took it, not moving from his spot on the couch. He sat there looking at the ceiling, his arms wrapped around his backpack tightly.

Why wasn't he moving? He was always the last one to leave The Rec, but something about the way he looked sitting all alone on the couch told me that something was off.

"Are you back at the group home?"

He didn't answer me and for a long time there was only silence between us.

"When?" My voice sounded so small in the dimly lit room. I watched as Edward shifted on the couch so I couldn't see his face.

"Last week."

My eleven year old heart broke for reasons I didn't understand.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"Why would I? It won't change anything."

I walked slowly to where he was sitting on the couch, sliding softly into the chair next to him. He watched me out of the corner of his eye, meeting mine briefly before he dropped his gaze to the floor again.

I didn't know what to say, considering that the last time Edward had been taken out of his foster home and into a group home was something I had no idea even existed, so I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "I'm adopted."

"Really?" Edward looked at me quickly, his grip on his backpack loosening ever so softly.

"Yeah. I've never met my real mom and dad."

We were silent for a few minutes, both of us lost in our deep thoughts.

"Why are you telling me this?" He asked a few minutes later.

I didn't know, really. Maybe it was because Edward and I both had real parents that either didn't, or couldn't, want us? The only difference between us is that I was lucky enough to find two parents who did love and want me, while Edward was bouncing between places to live.

He didn't give me a chance to answer him.

"They're looking into homes for me."

"Around here?"

He shrugged, "Maybe. I hope so."

"Me too." I heard my Mom's horn honk from the driveway. I looked at the window and then back at Edward. He was looking at me expectantly. "I have to go. Can we please take you?" I begged. He shook his head, and even though he hated his situation, I could tell he felt better at least having someone to talk to about it.

"Thanks, though."

We walked over to the door together before he stopped me. "Bella?"

I turned at my name.

"Please don't…tell. Anyone."

"I promise."

And he nudged my shoulder with his, a small smile finally back on his face.

\- - - tr - - -

 _Dear Diary,_

 _I can't believe sixth grade is over and it is summer again! Summer is the best! Sixth grade was a lot of fun, too. We had our first sixth grade social around Christmas, and Alice and Rose and I shaved our legs for the first time! Mom was sooo mad at me for a long time and I was even grounded for a long time because I did something "behind her back". But she's not at me anymore and I'm not grounded so now I can have the most awesome ever! My mom did talk me into going to soccer camp for a few weeks in July, but it's only until 4:00 and then my mom and dad said after that I'm allowed to go to The Rec. Alice and Rose will be there, obviously, and Emmett will be there but not too much because he's going to be practicing for the football team since he's leaving our school and going to high school next year! He said he'll still hang out with us, though. So Rose isn't worried._

 _At least Edward will still be there. He's living at this new house with old people who don't really check in on him too much. He rides his bike to school and goes to The Rec as soon as we get out. Sometimes he'll let Mom take him to The Rec but mostly he just likes to ride by himself. I asked Dad if I could ride my bike to school and then to The Rec afterschool one day but he said something about something freezing over._

 _Edward and I are still super close, though. I think what happened at Halloween made us even better friends. He always comes to sit next to me and he always picks me for anything we play or do at The Rec. Carlisle, one of our chaperones, has come up with some really fun and new things for us to do there. Him and Edward get along great._

 _Well, I gotta go. School may have just gotten out but I need to start doing things that seventh graders do!_

 _Love,_

 _Bella_

\- - - tr - - -

 **Up next, seventh grade! See you next week.**


	4. Chapter 4

"When are you going to be back?"

Edward and I were sitting in a tree at The Rec, taking a minute to escape the rowdiness of the kids all around us. Yesterday was our last day of school before spring break, which made The Rec extra crowded for a Saturday in early spring. Most people around town were gearing for vacation, myself included, and were getting in their last kicks with their friends before leaving for a week.

"Friday." I answered back, swinging my legs into the open air. I watched as the shadows of my legs appeared on the grass below us, and we laughed for a second at how funny my shadowed legs looked as they morphed on the grass.

My parents had surprised me this past Christmas with a trip planned in Phoenix for spring break, and now that it was here, I was more bummed to be leaving Forks than I was excited about going back to visit. It wasn't like I didn't enjoy Phoenix but these past two and a half years here in Forks made me realize just what I was missing before I moved here. I had friends that were more like family and we just grew closer every day. We were in seventh grade now and each time we were together was better than the last.

Edward shrugged and looked over at me, "That's not too bad."

My mouth dropped at him in horror and I stared at him in disbelief, not understanding how he could believe his own words that came out of his mouth. "It's forever! It's like, a whole week!"

He laughed this time, his face softening around the edges in a way that he let only me allow a glimpse of. He laughed and joked as much as the rest of us but it was only when it was just us two that he was like this. Maybe it was because I was the last one to join our group and didn't know anything about him in the beginning. Whatever it was, I loved that somehow Edward and I had become best friends.

"Six days isn't forever." Edward said, nudging my shoulder with his as we sat in the tree. That was our thing.

I watched as the kids played around us. Emmett was leading a group of kids in a game of tackle football. He was in ninth grade this year, a freshman at the high school, so he was one of the oldest kids that came here. He was always leading something here at The Rec and each day it was different. Most days we joined in but today I decided to join Edward in the tree once I saw him up there.

Rose was sitting on the swing next to this new kid, Garrett, who moved to Forks about a month ago. He didn't come around to The Rec too often and since Rose had told me when he first moved here that she thought he was pretty cute, I wasn't surprised when she decided to spend the whole day talking to him. I was leaving the next day but I would get to see her sometime before I left to go home. I wasn't worried about the time I spent with Rose and Alice. The three of us were best friends, like Edward and I, but different.

I don't know when me, Rose, and Alice introduced the topic of boys into our daily lives, but after listening to some embarrassing stories our teacher shared with us this year in health class, I guess it was part of being in middle school. And whatever I didn't learn in school, Mom was right there to help us fill in the blanks.

Tampons and all.

Alice had decided to spend the day inside The Rec, jumping from one activity to the other until she found one that she found to be cool enough for her mood. I was with her for a while until I saw Edward slip outside and start walking over to our tree.

It wasn't necessarily our tree, as we did let other kids play on it, too. But everyone knew that if we were on it, we weren't planning on sharing for a while.

"Well, it might as well be."

"You have friends there."

"Yeah, but not like you guys."

It was true. I had left a group of friends back in Phoenix, and our parents had kept in touch over the last two and half years so it wasn't like I was going to be bored or anything while we were visiting, but it just wasn't going to be the same.

"Yeah, I know what you mean."

Out of all of us, Edward was the one who knew that the most. The woman who is in charge of finding him safe places to stay or people to live with had found him a nice home to live in, and Edward had told me that for the first time in a long time, he didn't mind where he was living. They were nice to him, cooked him his favorite foods and didn't mind that he preferred to spend most of his time with us at The Rec. It was where he was most comfortable, with us and Felix and Carlisle.

With Carlisle only being ten years older than us, him and Edward were starting to become really close.

"Promise you won't do anything too fun while I'm gone?" I asked.

Nodding, he nudged my shoulder. "Promise."

We smiled softly at each other before Alice's voice shouted from the back patio of The Rec. She poked her head out of the sliding glass door.

"Come on, guys! We want to have an Easter Egg hunt before Bella leaves!"

With that, Edward and I jumped down from our branch in the tree and raced each other back inside to join everyone in the egg hunt.

Before we made it inside, Edward stopped running and turned around and waited for me to catch up. Even though I was one of the fastest on Varsity soccer, Edward was still pretty fast.

"It's only six days. You'll be coming back." He said, looking down at his feet, his eyes eventually stopping to look back into my own. The hold was brief, but I saw it before he quickly looked away again.

It was one of those times when Edward was trying to make me feel better, but the way his words sounded more like a question made me think that maybe he was the one looking for a little reassurance. Maybe there was a little part of him that thought I would be like the other people in his life who would leave for a while and never come back like they promised him.

I don't remember when it was exactly last year, maybe it was when he had just moved out of the group home and was adjusting to his new home, but I told him that I would always be there, wherever he ended up.

"Promise." I replied with a nudge.

We went inside and teamed up as evenly as we could to make sure everyone who wanted to play had a fair chance of getting some eggs. We weren't sure what Felix and Carlisle had stuffed the plastic eggs with but they did it every year and it never mattered to us what was inside. It all came down to who had the most eggs in their baskets. There were about twenty of us for the egg hunt, and I was so happy to have picked Rose's name out of the basket to be on my team. She could be downright vicious when it came down to winning so I considered my victory almost guaranteed.

One minute before the whistle blew for us to start finding our eggs, the trash talking started which I found to be even more fun than the game itself. At the sound of the whistle, we all ran with our team strategies stuck firmly in our minds.

Too soon it was all over, and I saw my parents pull up in our car as I heard Emmett say that he wanted to do it again but blindfolded this time. As bummed as I was to miss it, I knew better than to argue with my parents in front of everyone so I said goodbye to everyone for the week.

It was harder to leave than I thought, and seeing Edward wave to me as I pulled out of the driveway almost made me beg my parents to turn around and let me stay with one of my friends instead of going with them.

One week away from them all was going to be the biggest test I had taken in my twelve year old life.

\- - - tr - - -

Well, I survived, and it really wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I missed the heck out of my friends back home in Forks and was counting down the minutes until I was back at The Rec with them, but my trip to Phoenix turned out to be really fun, too. One of my friends showed me this new thing on the computer called AOL, and it was amazing. It's this program where we can talk to each other through the computer! All I needed to do was convince my parents to put this on our computer at home and we would be able to talk to each other whenever we wanted.

I kept it to myself that one of the first things I was going to do was beg Felix to get one of these babies for The Rec. I'm pretty sure there was an ancient computer somewhere in there collecting dust.

The plane ride was really cool, and Mom gave me some gum so my ears wouldn't bother me. They didn't, so I guess it worked. We got home late Friday night, too late for me to go out, but I did call Alice and Rose to let them know I was home and they told me that they would come over my house the first thing in the morning to catch up on all the girl time we missed while I was away.

Apparently a lot can happen in a week because while I was gone, Rose and Garrett kissed! She promised she would fill me in on all the details but it still gave me a lot to think about that night as I settled into my bed and under my covers.

Even though Rose was a grade older than Alice and I, I still couldn't help but wonder if I would get my own first kiss next year when I was in eighth grade like she did.

And if I did, I knew that I wouldn't want it to be anyone other than Edward.

Edward wasn't really into girls like that. Or maybe he was and I didn't know about it.

But wouldn't that be something that best friends tell each other?

I tossed and turned all night and gave up on sleeping sometime around 8:00. My dad didn't have to go back to work until the next day so he was on the couch reading the paper when I came downstairs. I plopped into the chair next to his couch, reaching for the blanket that Mom kept folded on top. I snuggled into the warmth of the blanket, for a second forgetting all of my thoughts about kissing and Edward and other things I had no business thinking about.

"Morning, Bells." My dad said, folding over the top of his newspaper so he could see me. "Sleep okay?"

"Yeah, great." I mumbled back.

"You sure?" He slurped his coffee through his black mustache. I thought I saw him smirk a little over the rim of the cup because all of a sudden my misfortunes are amusing to him.

"Yes, I'm sure. Why?"

"Well, you don't seem like you're too happy to be awake just yet. Why don't you go back to sleep? Too excited to see your friends?"

I was, despite my dark mood, really excited to see Alice and Rose. The thought of them coming over perked me up a little bit, enough for me to throw the blanket off of me and walk over to the phone on the wall in the kitchen. No one would be at The Rec until at least 9:00, so I called Alice instead. Rose liked to sleep later than we did but Alice said she would stop by her house and wake her up. I told them they could come over whenever and Mom offered to go out and buy us some fresh donuts from the bakery. I swear any excuse that woman needed to go to the bakery and she was out of here.

The girls showed up not too long after Mom came home with the donuts, and after hugging each other like we had been separated for years rather than six days, we sat at the table with my Mom eating breakfast. As much fun as we were having, I was dying to go upstairs to my room to hear all about Rose and Garrett.

Once our stomachs were full of sugar and cinnamon, we rushed upstairs, practically tripping over each other on the way up. I shut my bedroom door behind us and joined Alice and Rose on my bed, flopping on my stomach.

"Tell me everything!" I hissed excitedly and we had to cover our mouths so my parents wouldn't hear us from downstairs.

Alice must have heard this story a thousand times while I was away but we were both staring at Rose like she was about to tell us the most important thing we would ever hear in our lives.

"Okay, so, you know how he just moved here, like, a month ago?"

I nodded eagerly, ready for her to get to the good stuff.

"Okay, well, he was saying that he needed to go to the library to get this one book for Mr. Gilbert's class, but he didn't know where the library was. So I told him that I'd show him."

"So he kissed you in the library?" I made a face, not thinking that would be the ideal place for a first kiss. But again, what did I know? I shook the negative thought out of my mind and tried to focus on being happy for my friend.

And I really, really was. But I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little jealous that I hadn't been kissed yet.

Rose shook her head, "Nope. We stopped to get a soda from the deli on our way back and he kissed me in front of the newspaper rack!"

We giggled for a few minutes, all of us knowing that something was definitely shifting in our lives. We were about to enter into a world of questions, curiosity and experiences, regardless of whether or not we were ready for it.

"He even put his tongue in my mouth!"

That silenced us for a few moments before Alice shook her head and came out her daydream.

"How did you even know what to do?"

Rose shrugged, reaching into her bag and pulling out some nail polish. We perused the colors, picking out the ones we liked for ourselves.

"I don't know, "she said, continuing, "you just know."

"Are you going to kiss him again?" I asked, watching the pale blue polish spread evenly across my toenails.

"I guess," Rose said, thinking for a second. "Have you guys seen Alec though? He turned hot overnight!"

I guess she was right, now that I took the time to think about other boys in my grade besides Edward. One minute they were all as tall as I was and the next day they came to school with their voices sounding weird and were towering over me.

I took a glance at myself in the mirror that I had over my dresser. I didn't think I was changing as fast as the boys, but I had already started to wear a bra last year after I had gotten my period for the first time. My mom had called all of my aunts and told them like it was some big thing that I was supposed to be excited about. It wasn't exciting at all.

It really, really sucked.

My hair was still long and brown, and I didn't really wear it in a ponytail or a braid as much anymore unless I was playing soccer. I wasn't allowed to wear makeup yet, even though Mom promised me she would talk to Dad about letting me try it out sometime next year when I was in eighth grade. I didn't see the big deal at all; it wasn't like I was going to put a ton on, anyway. Just a little to make me not feel like a little kid anymore.

We talked for the rest of the morning, filling each other in on anything we missed over the week while I was gone. We looked through some magazines, flipping through idly while listening to songs from our favorite radio station.

By noon, we were bored and I asked Mom to let me ride my bike with Alice and Rose over to The Rec. I had done it a couple of times and Mom normally had no problem with it as long as we all rode together. After a few minutes of talking it over with Dad, they told me to be careful and we were on our way.

We took our time getting there, the three of us enjoying the freedom and wind as our wheels turned around the twists and bends. It was still cold even though it was technically spring, but I was comfortable in my jeans and a pink sweatshirt. I had thrown on a pink headband to match, leaving my hair down and out of my face, and my sour mood had started to lighten a little bit before I left the house.

We let our bikes fall into the grass on the side of The Rec, looking around the area before heading inside. It was quiet, and it was probably because school was starting back up again in two days and all the kids had to catch up on their homework that they ignored over the past week. Luckily I was able to get it all done on the plane to Phoenix.

When we walked in, we were surprised to see only two kids inside the big room. One was reading and the other was playing video games on the TV in the corner. We looked at each other strangely, expecting to see the boys inside somewhere since no one was outside playing. Looking around, Alice pointed down the hall towards a light coming from the room off of Felix's office. It wasn't much of a room, just enough for one single bed that was used only for kids who were sick and were waiting for someone to come pick them up.

We heard voices as we approached, and the three of us walked in hesitantly, not wanting to interrupt whatever it was, or whoever it was, that was in there.

"Girls, hey. Do you mind waiting outside for us?" It was Carlisle, and even though he tried to block him from our line of vision, we saw Emmett behind him.

He was looking down at the floor, but we were still able to see the blood dripping from a cut on his bottom lip. It was swollen, and just as the thought crossed my mind, he put an icepack up against it. He caught one look at all of us and he turned around the other way, cursing so loud that I was afraid my Dad heard him and was on his way here to The Rec to bring me home.

"Yeah, sure." Rose said, all of us turning slowly to give them some privacy, even though we were sad to leave Emmett all alone. He wasn't alone though, and because Carlisle was probably the best person to be there with him, we headed back towards the big room.

We definitely weren't as happy as we were a few minutes before, especially because I had never seen someone hurt like that in my life. And the way that Emmett looked, like he was suffering from more than just a cut lip, already told me that his injury was not sports related.

We heard the door to the room close behind us, and when we turned our attention back to the big room we saw that Edward had slipped inside from the backyard.

"Do you know what happened?" Rose asked, her head motioning back towards Emmett and Carlisle.

Edward nodded, and we all followed him outside at his suggestion.

"Is he okay?" I asked worriedly.

"He'll be fine," Edward said, sliding a patio chair from under the table and sitting down. "His stepdad roughed him up a little bit."

"What for?" Alice wondered. We all made ourselves as comfortable as we could on the back porch as we waited for Emmett to join us, if he was even up for it at all.

"I don't think he had a reason," Edward said.

None of us talked for a long time after that, each of us lost in our own silence.

None of us were perfect, that was for sure. We all came to The Rec looking for a place to forget. A place for us to just be kids, but every now and then the real world seeped into our utopia within the woods. Temporarily, it reminded us that I was adopted. That Edward was orphaned. That Alice's mom spent more time away from her own daughter than with her. That Rose still lived in the shadow of her sister's death.

That Emmett took the wrath from his stepdad away from his mother.

Times like these made me realize how lucky I really was. There were a couple of aspects of being adopted that I struggled with as I grew up but it was nothing compared to what some of my friends were facing. They were facing some of the very things that my dad told me about from his years of being a police officer, and I felt completely helpless.

"This stays right here, got it?" Emmett's voice broke out into the silence on the back porch, each of us startled by the gruffness of his voice. He closed the sliding glass door behind him once Carlisle stepped through. We all agreed, each of us voicing our pledges of secrecy.

He nodded appreciatively, sitting down into an empty patio chair next to Edward before turning over to look directly at me. "Especially you, Bella. You cannot tell your dad."

I swallowed hard. He was right. My dad would be over at Emmett's house so fast if I told him anything. So for the first time in my life, I was going to keep a secret from my parents.

There wasn't much I wouldn't do for my friends, and my reasoning solidified as all six of us, Carlisle included, placed our hands on top of each other on the patio table on the back porch.

\- - - tr - - -

"You okay?"

I heard Edward's footsteps through the grass a few minutes before but I didn't stop to see where he was going. I figured he would find me in the tree eventually, once he was satisfied that Emmett would be okay.

I tried to wipe the tears from my eyes before he noticed, shivering from the drop in temperature. "Yeah, I'm fine."

I watched him as he swiftly climbed the tree to sit in his place next to me on the branch. He peered over at me, his face coming closer and closer to mine. I laughed and pushed him away as he tried to continue his inspection of me with an invisible magnifying glass.

"You don't look fine."

Gee, thanks.

"How can you see me? It's dark out." And I thought I was doing a pretty decent job of hiding my puffy eyes and tear streaked face away from him. Apparently not.

"I always see you, Bella."

I quickly wiped away another tear that slipped through, praying that it had fallen too quickly for Edward to notice.

But of course he did, and when he saw he reached over and threw an arm around me. "He'll be okay, I promise. He's got us as best friends, what else does a guy need, huh?"

I smiled faintly at his words, already feeling better once I felt his arm around my shoulders. I leaned my head back on his shoulder and he didn't make an attempt to move it away. If it was any other boy, I would have been so self-conscious about what we were doing but it wasn't just any boy. It was Edward, and it felt as natural as breathing for us to be sitting in our tree like this.

"How, Edward? How is he going to be okay?" I sniffed.

I didn't know if the question I asked was meant to be answered or if it was meant to die out there that night in the cold wind.

I felt foolish. There I was just hours earlier moping around because I wanted to kiss a boy, meanwhile Emmett was taking a punch to the face by someone who was supposed to love him and take care of him. It made my problems pale in comparison.

"I'm okay, right?"

I looked at Edward strangely, "What do you mean?"

"Just answer me. You think I'm okay, right?"

I thought for a moment before answering him with a nod of my head against his shoulder. "Yeah, I guess so."

"Well, I am. Okay."

I wasn't following, so he sighed loudly and ran his fingers through his brown copper hair. "It's hard to explain. But a couple of years ago before you moved here, I was living with this woman who would let random people in our house. Some were cool; some couldn't be bothered by me. One guy put out his cigarettes on my arm, but –"

"Edward, that's horrible!" I interrupted, covering my face with my hands again as fresh tears threatened to make their appearance again.

"No, no stop crying. Ah, geez, this is what I mean when I say it's hard to explain. You're right, it does sound horrible. It was horrible. As horrible as it was, I had Emmett. And Rose and Alice, and eventually, you. "

He reached down for my hand, and I'll always remember that they were as cold as mine were. "And as long as that is what I have, that's how I know I'll be okay. Emmett, too."

That was the night I was sure, absolutely positively sure, that I loved Edward Cullen.

\- - - tr - - -

 _Dear Diary,_

 _Even though I didn't tell my dad about what happened to Emmett, it turned out that Carlisle did that same night. It wasn't pleasant at The Rec for a while for Emmett, knowing that Carlisle had been the one to tell. Edward knew all too well what could happen to a kid once those people came into your house to check on you, but luckily Emmett's mom was ready for it all to stop. His stepdad moved out and Emmett was able to stay with his mom and was able to keep going to school and The Rec._

 _Eighth grade starts next week. Mom already took me back to school shopping, but I brought the girls along so we could pick out some cool outfits. I never really took a lot of interest when it came to getting clothes for the new school year but I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it and how much I loved everything I got. Mom approved of everything, luckily, so that was one less argument that I had to have._

 _Alice and I have a few classes together this year, so I'm really excited about that. It's definitely going to be weird not having Rose around now that she's a freshman at the high school. We'll still have Edward around and that makes me happy._

 _I am officially one step closer to drawing his name on the new notebooks Mom got me for school. The girls called me out on it a few days ago and it feels better to talk to them about it, even though I promised myself I wouldn't tell a single soul. They promised me, no swore on their Mom's graves, that they wouldn't tell anyone. The last thing I want is for Edward to find out._

 _That could be the worst thing that could ever happen to me._

\- - - tr - - -

 **Eighth grade next! Thank you all for all the recs. They mean the world to me.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey all! Just a quick note before we jump right in to eighth grade.**

 **Carlisle is only ten years older than the group so he's only around 21 or 22 years old. Unfortunately, Edward is not living with Carlisle. He's just tumbleweed blowing in the wind at this point in time. Unfortunately, a lot of the students I teach have situations similar to Edward's and I've seen firsthand how easy it is for good kids like Edward to slip through the cracks.**

 **Anyway, my students had their first day of school the same day as my four year old started Pre – K so this Mama is exhausted this week but I love these guys here in The Rec, too, so I couldn't not send them your way.**

 **Oh, yes. I wouldn't feel right about not mentioning that this chapter comes with a trigger warning. It's just a sentence really, about Rose's sister who passed when she was younger.**

 **Okay, I'll shut up. Thanks for everything, guys.**

\- - - tr - - -

It was blue. A lot of blue. And it was so smooth. And once I was satisfied with the blue, convinced that I had covered every last inch and was complete, I put the eyeshadow back down onto my desk. Next, I reached for the black pencil to line the edges of the blue. That went on smooth, too. And just like the blue, there was a lot of black. And after my eyeliner was drawn on to my liking, I put that down and moved onto my mascara. I loved mascara. It made my nonexistent eyelashes grow it seemed like ten inches with each stroke of the bristled brush.

Next, my favorite part. I smeared the gloss over my lips, enjoying the feel of the slippery and tasty liquid as I pursed my lips together. _Mmm, strawberry_. I blotted the excess, as Rose taught me, and looked at myself in my mirror.

Wow.

I looked fabulous.

Heavy blue and black on the eyes? Check.

Pink lip gloss to make my lips sparkle and shine? Check.

A cute pair of dark blue jeans that flared at the bottom? Check.

A creamy, wintery white fuzzy sweater? Check.

I was ready for school.

It was mid-December, and luckily I did not have to deal with any fresh snow on the ground that morning. There was a little snowstorm last week and its remains still covered the ground and trees everywhere, but at least it wasn't new snow. Ice, as it turned out, was my nemesis so I had to wear boots almost every time I left the house.

Rose and Alice thought it was absolutely hysterical that I just couldn't seem to get my life together when it came to ice and standing vertically upon it. I've just accepted it as fact that when it came to ice, it was only a matter of time before either my face or my butt met the cold, wet ground.

And always, I was never by myself when things like that happened. It was always around a group of people. I've lost count how many times Edward had seen me fall on my face because of the ice, but how cute he looked when he laughed made it almost worth it.

Once Mom and Dad realized that I wasn't exaggerating about my slipping and sliding, Mom and I went out and searched far and wide for a pair of boots that were not only satisfactory in terms of keeping me on my feet, but they were also super cute. They were black and fuzzy and laced up the front. As I slid them over my socks and over my jeans, I couldn't help but think how perfect they looked with the ensemble I had for today.

You see, Edward was in all of my classes this term at school. I saw him from the minute we all met up outside of school once we were dropped off, until the minute the bell rang to go home. We didn't sit next to each other in any of our classes because the teachers must have caught on that we would talk the whole time, but it could have been a lot worse.

So because of that, I had to make sure that he noticed me even when we weren't talking. Rose, because she was a freshman now, filled us in on how to do our hair, makeup, and how to pick out our clothes so we would stand out from everyone else.

And after a lot of hours of practice over the weekend, I was ready to show off my newly acquired skills.

I grabbed my bookbag from my bedroom floor, and swinging it over one shoulder, I headed out to start my day. I pounded my way downstairs, my boots banging on each step like I was angry, but I really never was.

I made it down the stairs with three steps to spare when my Dad's voice sounded from the kitchen, "Nope."

"Ugh, Dad! You're ruining my life!"

 _What the hell?_

I turned around on the stairs, fuming at my Dad who hadn't even looked up from his coffee. He didn't even see me and yet he was already making me change!

This time, when my big black boots hit the steps, I was angry. And I made sure Dad knew it with each passing step.

By the time I reached my bedroom door and I may or may not have stomped holes in each step on my way up, I was ready to slam it.

But no, Dad from the kitchen reminded me what happened the last time I slammed my door.

"You slam it; I take the door off its hinges again."

He wasn't joking. I actually had to spend a whole weekend with my door off and tucked into my parent's closet. Two whole days of no privacy. Two whole days of eavesdropping.

I definitely learned my lesson from that one.

With Dad's warning in mind, I shut the door with a little force behind it just to let him know that I was very, very upset with him. I let my bookbag drop to the floor again and sat down in my desk chair with a huff. I looked at myself in the mirror again.

There was nothing wrong with my face! I had done everything Rose had said. I made sure that my blue eyeshadow was spread evenly on my lids. I made sure that the black eyeliner was lined up perfectly along the edges of my eyelashes. And please, how can anyone actually put mascara on the wrong way? It's a stick you blink on.

I was mumbling to myself as I was trying to unsuccessfully remove my perfect makeup, grateful for having a door to close this time, when Mom knocked on the door and walked in.

 _Ugh. Why knock if you're just going to walk in two seconds later, anyway?_

"Need any help?" I watched as she sat down on my unmade bed. I shook my head and turned back to face the mirror to continue scrubbing.

"No."

"Here. I used this when Grandpa used to make me take mine off." She handed me a small bottle of baby oil and I took it from her hands, looking it over before placing it on the desk beside me. I didn't want to even look her way because she was giving me a look that was only making me more upset. I could feel my frustration bubbling to the surface and unfortunately, Mom was going to take the brunt of it.

She usually did, anyway.

After a few moments of sulking at my reflection in the mirror in front of me, I dabbed a little of the baby oil onto a small cotton ball and let it all out.

"I don't get it, Mom! You told me he said I was allowed to wear makeup once I was in eighth grade. Well, hello?! I'm in eighth grade and it's December and he still won't let me!" Maybe I didn't even need the baby oil if I was going to drown in my own tears anyway.

How was I going to get Edward to like me if my dad was in the way all the time? Being the police chief was bad enough for my social life.

And when you're in eighth grade like me, a social life is all there is.

My mom reached over and handed me a tissue to help me get myself together. She patted my knee with her hand, the jangle of her bracelets filling me with a familiar sense of comfort. "No, no. He's okay with you wearing makeup. I just didn't think he'd expect you to be so…great..at it."

I looked at her cautiously, not sure if she agreed with what she was saying. She motioned towards my growing collection.

"Can I help you with it a bit? You know, to calm your Dad down."

I figured it was better than nothing and I gave my mom a shrug of indifference.

"Fine."

"See, the key is to make it look like – "

"You're not wearing any. Yeah, that's what Rose told us. I bet Rose's mom didn't make her take hers off."

"Well, first of all, Rose is in high school. And second, you know that Rose's mom and I are very different."

She left it at that, and I didn't push it any further.

Rose never liked to talk about it, but Rose had a younger sister that died when Rose's mom was having her in the hospital. Rose had been young, I think she told me she was in Kindergarten, but her Mom never was the same again. She spent most of her days on the couch, if she even got out of bed at all. It was no surprise that Rose's mom had no problem with the way Rose applied makeup. She probably didn't even know she was even wearing any at all.

While I was busy thinking about Rose and her mom, my own mother was busy working on my face and eyes. She was gentle, and I watched her face as she applied the finishing touches on her masterpiece.

"There." Mom's eyes traveled up and down my face before she motioned for me to turn around to face the mirror behind me. "What do you think?"

I don't know what I was expecting, but when I turned around and looked at myself in the mirror, my mouth fell down in surprise. She probably didn't want to show it in front of Dad, but my mom actually was pretty cool.

Beaming, I turned around from my desk chair and threw my arms around her. My social life was still alive. "Thanks, Mom. It looks great. Seriously."

She hugged me back and pointed to my bookbag on the floor before she tripped on it.

"Okay. Dad already left for work so you're safe to go downstairs. I'll drive you to school."

\- - - tr - - -

"Four more periods and we're out of school for two whole weeks!"

Alice and I were sitting at our lunch table a few hours later, our stomachs full from pizza and early holiday treats. I squealed at her and grabbed her hand, giving it a good squeeze.

"I know! What do you want to do over break?" I asked excitedly, looking forward to a nice, long well deserved break from school and soccer and homework. I couldn't wait to just wake up whenever I wanted and hang out with my friends, wherever it was that we wanted to do that day.

Because of all the snow we had gotten over the last two weeks, our new favorite thing was to go sledding down the big hill near the baseball fields downtown. Everyone liked to go there so it was always crowded, but it was big enough that no one really bothered us.

I think my favorite part of sledding was what we did afterwards. We would make our way back to The Rec, dragging our cold and wet snow suit covered bodies and sleds in the snow, and spend the rest of the night around hot chocolate and the small little heater Felix had set up in the big room. Usually we lost track of time, all of us lost in laughter and warmth.

I was tingling at the thought of all of that fun for two whole weeks!

"Who cares!" Alice shouted, my attention back in focus. "Anything is better than here!"

She was right, and as I looked around at everyone around me, I was pretty sure everyone was thinking the same things as I was.

Could the day be any slower?

"Felix and Carlisle are having a cookie decorating contest at The Rec today after school. Everyone's going, right?" Alice asked. I was about to answer her when I felt a nudge on my shoulder and a warm body slide into the empty spot next to me.

"Cookies and decorating doesn't sound like something that either of them would want to do," Edward said, easing into the conversation as if he were part of it from the beginning. He reached in and dipped his fingers into a handful of the holiday M&Ms my mom packed into my bag. He gave me a teasing look as he did so, daring me to stop him.

As if I could say no to Edward Cullen. Puh-leese.

Alice replied, oblivious to the showdown between Edward and me, "I may have convinced them last night."

"Contest? I'm in. What do I have to do?" Edward's curiosity was piqued, I could tell, and I loved seeing him this excited about something. Obviously it was the break from school that brought on his great mood, but it didn't matter to me. Anything that made Edward smile and joke around was a win in my book, considering that life sometimes didn't give him many things to smile about. At least he was still with the same family that he was with last year. That seemed to always help him a little bit.

As I continued to stare at Edward from my spot next to him, Alice rolled her eyes dramatically at him. "I don't know how to win it. I just know that we get to bake and eat cookies."

"Seems like a contest I can win." He smiled and crunched loudly on an M&M, reaching for another handful. He looked over at me as he was searching through my bag. "What's on your face?"

"What?" I almost died as I frantically tried to reach into my bag for the little mirror I kept in there for occasions as embarrassing as this one. I was pretty sure my face was as red as the pizza sauce that Ben Cheney had spilled on his shirt a few tables away.

"On your eyes. It's like, sparkly black stuff." He scrunched his nose up as he peered closer at me, his green eyes meeting mine for a very small but intense three seconds.

"Does it look weird?" From inspection, it didn't seem any different from when Mom had fixed me up earlier that morning. Not a smudge was out of place so I wasn't sure what he was talking about.

"No, not weird. Just different."

"Like a bad different?"

"No. It's not bad. It's….nice."

 _Nice_ just became my new favorite word.

\- - - tr - - -

Somehow, we made it to the final bell of the day. It seemed like time was moving backwards by that point, and by the last period, I think even the teachers were ready for the bell to ring. We all burst through the doors of the school, cheers and squeals from everyone as we tasted our first glimpse of freedom.

Alice and I headed for our buses, our arms linked together as we waved goodbye to our friends. It wasn't goodbye for long, as we all knew where to find everyone over break.

Felix and Carlisle were probably dreading the next two weeks with us teenagers stuffed with candy and sugar and holiday cheer, or snark, in some of our cases. Alice waved goodbye and disappeared onto her bus, promising to call when she was going to leave her house to come hang out. I walked about two steps closer to my bus when I caught Edward out of the corner of my eye riding his bike towards me. He slowed down a few feet in front of me and I walked over to him the rest of the way, reaching out for a candy cane that he was holding out for me to take. The taste of peppermint was cool on my tongue and I blew the air from my mouth outwards into a stream.

"You going straight to The Rec?" He motioned towards Alice on her bus behind us.

Nodding, I resumed the walk towards my own so my bus driver wouldn't leave me behind with Edward trailing next to me. "Yeah, I'll have my Mom take me over as soon as I get home."

Rolling his eyes, he shook his head and patted the handlebars on the front of his bike. "Just come with me. The ice isn't too bad today."

I pushed him jokingly as he laughed at me and my "ice -capades".

"Okay," I replied, not hesitating even for a second.

I wondered for a brief moment if Alice was watching from her window on the bus. I hope she was so that later on we could talk about it and figure out what it really meant. But for now, I sat myself on the bike as comfortably as I could, so happy that I had emptied out my bookbag of anything of importance right before the bell rang. If it was in the way of Edward's face he never told me, instead easing the bike out of the school traffic and through a side path that he and Emmett had found years ago. It was a quick shortcut, a way to bypass the congestion that always happened once school let out. It was a little bumpy, but nothing that made it not worth the ride. In fact, the ride was my favorite thing in the world at the moment.

Every now and then I would feel the fuzziness of Edward's hat brush against my thick hair, reminding me of just how close he was to me. If I was as brave as I wished I was, I could turn around and let him kiss me. I mean, if he wanted to.

I shook the thought from my head, trying to push it away so I could enjoy the moment. It was definitely cold, and I would probably get in trouble for not letting my parents know I was going straight to The Rec and not home first like I always did, but I could call them once I got there and they'd be cool with it. And even if they weren't, so what?

I hadn't seen Edward this happy in a really long time and getting grounded was worth every second of seeing him like this and act this way. When we turned onto the road closest to The Rec, he took a gloved hand and slid it across my neck, gently sliding my hair over onto my shoulder.

"That's better," he said loud enough for me to hear over the outside wind, but his voice sounded strange with the way he said it.

I was just grateful that I was awake to hear him say it because I did think for a split second that I was going to pass out at the feel of his fingers against my skin. All of a sudden I wasn't cold anymore and this feeling I felt in my stomach intensified and I could barely sit still on the handlebars.

It ended way too soon, and for the first time in almost four years of calling Forks my home, I wished we didn't have to go inside The Rec. I wished we could stay outside and ride around for hours.

After I hopped off the handlebars of the bike and Edward leaned it against the side of the building, he looked over at me with a smirk. His cheeks were rosy pink from the wind but the brightest thing on his face was his eyes. The white from the snow around us sparkled in them, almost blinding me.

"You ready to lose a cookie contest?" He nudged me and we moved towards The Rec.

"Lose? I don't know how to lose."

It was true. There was rarely something in my life that I set out to obtain for myself that I didn't get.

There was just one thing I had yet to call my own but with each growing smile or nudge or twinkle of the eye, I felt my hopes growing in anticipation that maybe Edward felt what I was feeling, too.

"You've never seen me bake a cookie though. Or decorate one. I can take you on, Swan." He reached for the door and opened it wide for the both of us to fit through. We took off our jackets and tossed them over in the corner near the book area.

Still high from our bike ride, I took a leap of faith and looked him square in the eye. "You could take me? I'd love to see it happen."

The look on his face was priceless.

\- - - tr - - -

"Okay, so we're going to break you all up into teams and the group with the most creative and best decorated cookies wins." Felix was standing on top of the stones in front of the fireplace. One of the other volunteers, James, had lit the fire earlier in the day so it was warm and ready for us all when we got there after school.

"What's the prize?" Emmett shouted from somewhere in the back. It had gotten substantially more crowded over the last hour as all the familiar faces began arriving to The Rec. They all probably checked in at home like I was supposed to do before heading here and I dismissed the thought. I had done what I said I was going to do and had called my Mom once I had settled in, and after a solid five minutes of getting yelled at and being told how irresponsible I was all of a sudden, Mom had gotten over it and promised to keep it between us. There were some things that Dad was better off not knowing.

Mom promised not to tell Dad only if I promised not to run off on the front of a bicycle through the mountains in winter.

"Does there always have to be a prize?" Carlisle had joined Felix at the front of the fireplace and the excited crowd I was proud to be a part in unanimously agreed that yes, a consolation is always required when it comes to any type of contest.

Felix rolled his eyes at us. "An hour of uninterrupted computer time."

Silence.

It had taken Felix some convincing over the last year but he finally caved and got us a computer for all of us to share here. While it was older than I was and had been the cause of many an argument among us, it was ours, and we loved it. Felix eventually had to create a limit to the amount of computer time each one of us got, and it was a lot less than an hour.

Now the contest had turned serious and we were out for blood.

"Okay, I call Alice is on my team." Emmett from the back again. _When did he even get here?_

"You don't pick the teams, Emmett."

"Why not? I'm the oldest here!"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

I was laughing at the two of them going back and forth when Alice, who was sitting on my right, grabbed my hand and pulled my ear down to her mouth.

"Who's that over there?"

I looked over to where she was pointing, trying to remember some of Rose's tips on how to check someone out subtly. I wasn't sure if I had mastered it yet. It didn't make a difference though because I didn't see the person Alice wanted me to see.

"Where?" I hissed back. I continued to look around until Alice pulled me roughly back closer to her. Ouch. I guess I hadn't mastered subtlety yet.

"There. Standing next to Jacob Black." She ever so gently motioned with her chin towards Jacob, and then it was obvious why I hadn't seen who she was referring to. Jacob Black was in ninth grade like Rose and was about as tall as the ceiling in The Rec.

Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration, but he was so tall that it sometimes hurt my neck to look at him. Either way, the person next to him was dwarfed by the tree that was Jacob.

"I don't know. I've never seen him before."

It was a boy who looked to be about our age but sometimes it was hard to tell because of where we all stood in our…state of changes that take place during the teenage years.

Did I mention I was a teenager now? Thirteen and loving every second of it.

"Me neither. And why does Jacob keep looking at you?"

I turned to look over in the direction of where the boys stood and spun back around towards Alice, my hair almost whipping her in the face in my haste.

"Me?" No way would a high schooler like Jacob be staring at me. I gave him a quick glance between my hair and sure enough, I saw him keep throwing glances in my direction. I looked around to see if it was directed toward someone else.

"Who else would he be looking at?" Alice retorted.

"You!" I whisper shouted back, wanting to pinch her for being so loud.

"Me? No way. I'm way more into the guy next to him."

"You just saw him for the first time two minutes ago."

"So? Isn't he cute?"

"Yeah, I guess."

He was cute even though I never really liked boys with hair other than copper. This boy's hair was dirty blond and had curls cut into a mushroom cut. Definitely cute but not as cute as the boy that my eyes were trying to find across the room. I don't know when he slipped out from standing with Alice and me but I eventually saw him on the fringes of our large group, sitting at one of the tables and spinning a bottle full of icing for decorating the cookies. He didn't look as happy as he had not too long ago.

"Okay, so everyone write your name on this piece of paper, fold it up, and put it in…" Carlisle trailed off as he searched for something around him, eventually taking off the hat that had sat backwards on his head, "..my hat. There are fifteen of you today so we'll have five groups of three."

The next few minutes was a little bit of organized chaos, as James liked to put it, and we were broken up within our teams and ready for the contest to officially begin.

I never really knew the universe hated me until I was in a group with Jacob Black and Lauren Mallory. Lauren was okay, I never really hung out with her enough to form an opinion about her myself and now that I knew that Jacob had been watching me earlier, I wasn't sure how to act. I started with tucking a piece of hair behind my ear and sorting the supplies that he had dropped onto the table in front of us. Each group had rollers, dough, all sorts of flour and sugar and icing.

"Hey, Bella." His voice was deep but not unfriendly. Nice but not as nice as Edward's. _Where was he?_

"Hey, Jacob. Do you have any idea how to do any of this?" I pointed to everything on the table, and watched as he shook his head. His hair was short and dark black and it looked kind of nice against the tanned color of his skin.

"Not really. I was hoping you would." He had a small smile on his lips, and for a brief miniscule second, I thought it wasn't bad to look at.

"Can't say I do. What about you, Lauren?"

She had just gotten to our table and plopped herself down on the bench, reaching into her bag for a magazine. I hoped the magazine was about how to bake cookies because I really wanted to win this contest.

"I can't go anywhere near that stuff. I just got my nails done right before I came here and I don't want them to be ruined for Christmas."

Well, my idea of winning just took a huge nosedive.

I looked over at Jacob and shrugged, deciding to go with the attitude of not losing anything if you didn't have anything to lose. "Looks like it's just us then."

"God help us." Jacob made a sign of the cross and I laughed, all of my nervousness gone.

I heard the sound of a door slam from somewhere in the building.

\- - - tr - - -

It took what felt like forever before we even made our first cookie. I can't even tell you how many tries it took Jacob and I to figure out how to roll the dough so it wouldn't keep breaking, but eventually after some patience and a lot of cheating, we were able to roll the dough out over our designated area on the large table in the big room. And after that, we were on a roll. I rolled, he placed the cookies on the racks when it was our turn to use the oven, and once all the cookies were rolled and cooled, we looked at each other and with a deep breath, we began icing.

Which was a lot harder than it looked, actually. I knew there was no chance in hell that we were going to win, especially when I looked over at Angela's cookies that looked like they were made straight from the North Pole themselves.

Jacob laughed and called me over to look at one of the cookies he made with some leftover dough.

"Hey, look at this one. It looks like a huge –"

"Lookin' good, guys. You too, Lauren. Keep it up."

We laughed at Carlisle's acknowledgment that our backs were hurting from carrying Lauren's butt the whole time. We didn't win the contest, never even came close, actually.

But it would leave me winning something else I never thought.

\- - - tr - - -

With only four days left of our winter break, Rose, Alice and I were hunched in the corner of The Rec, looking over our shoulders to make sure no one could hear us. It wasn't crowded at all today with the New Year approaching, but there were enough of us here for all of us to avoid being bored. Edward and Emmett, and that new boy, Jasper, were around here somewhere, getting into who knows what. Jasper ended up being the missing link that our group of five didn't even know we were missing. He appeared like our very own Christmas present.

A present that Alice was dying to unwrap, but, today was not about Alice or Jasper.

It was about me!

"Why are you being so weird in the corner?" Emmett asked, the boys jumping onto the couches around us. So much for our privacy.

"We're not being weird." Rose said flippantly, annoyed that Emmett was interrupting our celebration.

"Spill it."

"There's nothing to spill!"

Edward reached onto the table and grabbed the remote for the TV, turning it on so another holiday movie could softly spill out onto the room. He smiled faintly at me when I rolled my eyes at Emmett and Rose and their constant bickering.

"Bullshit."

"It's none of your business." Rose huffed.

"Ah ha! So there is something!" Emmett pointed at all three of us.

"Jacob kissed Bella!" Alice blurted out, her hand coming up to cover her mouth the minute the words were out of her mouth. "Sorry, Bella. I couldn't keep it in."

I sat there staring at her wide eyed, the words I wanted to say not forming because my whole body was frozen in mortification.

"Woah, way to go, Bella. Older guy." Jasper decided to put his opinion into the conversation that was supposed to be just us girls but now included the people who I did not want to find out about Jacob and me. He put his hand up for me to fist bump and I did so hesitantly, not daring to look over at Edward in fear that I would give my true feelings away.

That yes, it was nice. And yes, I would like to do it again. But that I would do anything for it to be with Edward.

"That's what you girls are being weird about? Come on. Let's go play a video game or something." Emmett was bored and I was so, so grateful. The boys ended up following him.

I didn't see Edward until a long time later, a few minutes after I had called Mom to tell her I was ready to head home. I found him sitting in our tree so I grabbed my jacket and headed out to join him. I had learned how to climb the tree in jackets, boots, gloves, bathing suits, and dresses.

"What are you doing out here?" I asked. It was a stupid question, though. I already knew that Edward always came out to the tree when he wanted to be alone. It never occurred to me that maybe it was me he was trying to escape from.

"Just wanted to get out for a bit." His voice was quiet and lifeless as we were surrounded by holiday lights.

"It's freezing out here!" It was unbearably cold, and I shivered deeply.

It looked like it didn't faze Edward as he looked down at his feet. He shrugged, "Doesn't bother me."

"It should."

"But it doesn't, okay?"

I didn't respond right away but Edward Cullen was about to find out that he wasn't allowed to talk to me with an attitude like that.

"Well, maybe catching hypothermia doesn't bother you but something else definitely does." I could be mean, too.

"You never should have kissed him."

And he jumped down from the tree, leaving me alone in the cold and dark night.

\- - - tr - - -

 _Dear Diary,_

 _Why shouldn't I have kissed Jacob? Ugh, what is Edward's problem? Rose and Alice think he's jealous because Jacob kissed me and he didn't, but, for real. How many chances did Edward have to kiss me? I only saw him almost every day since I was 10, and now he gets mad at me when he finds out that someone else kissed me first?_

 _What sense did that make? None. Maybe I should stop thinking that boys made any type of sense._

 _That boy makes me so mad sometimes. I even tried to stop liking him, which is why I let Jacob kiss me two more times after the first time, but it was no use. I couldn't get Edward off of my mind, which really sucked because this was supposed to be a time in my life where I was celebrating kissing boys and stuff._

 _I did celebrate even though I was wishing I was kissing Edward instead of Jacob. The second time we kissed, I even closed my eyes and imagined it was his lips I was feeling. And as exciting as it was that I had finally kissed a boy and had felt his tongue in my mouth, (at first I thought it was gross and was he really supposed to put_ _ **that much**_ _of his tongue in my mouth, though?) I knew that kissing Edward would be a billion times better than kissing Jacob._

 _But I'm thirteen years old, and I'm not going to sit around and wait forever for Edward. Until then, he can be as mad at me all he wants._


	6. Chapter 6

"What time did the boys say they'd be here, Bella?"

Mom's voice called up the stairs to where Alice and I were getting ready to go out for the night. It was a Friday night in October and Alice and I were in my room getting ready for our very first Homecoming football game as high school freshman.

It was a big thing, apparently, these football games. Up until a few weeks ago, I had zero interest in anything related to the sport but once Alice and I walked through the doors of Forks High School, it was all anyone talked about. We had Pep Rallies and spirit days and now that Rose was a sophomore and had become a cheerleader and Emmett was starting quarterback for our football team, Alice and I had no choice but to become active spectators. Naturally, we had turned to Edward and Jasper and their expert advice about this sport they call football. Alice and I were at least heading to the game with somewhat of a clue as to what we were going there for.

It didn't seem that complicated, actually. There were downs, and the most important down you could get was the first one. You wanted to get first downs until you made it into the end zone, which is the place where you score the touchdowns.

Simple.

Even with all my newly acquired football knowledge, I was still looking forward to spending the night with Edward more than anything. I had these images of us at the game and they played out like a movie in my head. Us, sipping hot chocolate. Jumping up and down as Forks scored one of those touchdowns. Cheering and holding onto each other as we won the game. And what made these images even better was the fact that every girl that attended Forks High School was looking at me with scowling eyes and tightened fists , their faces green with envy because it was me, Bella Swan, who Edward Cullen decided to spend his Friday night under the lights with.

Me, not them.

Did I mention that while Alice and I were immersing ourselves in ESPN and my dad's old football videos, Edward had grown about ten feet tall in two weeks' time and had managed to turn the head of every female in a twenty mile radius in his direction? Somehow, his hair grew even more coppery and wild and he had started to smell really good. It made me want to run my fingers through his hair, even though Rose said my hand would probably get stuck because of all the product he put in there.

If his hair wasn't enticing enough, his voice had finally leveled off and it didn't sound so squeaky anymore. Instead, it was soft and smooth and made me think of this black velvet dress I used to love when I was little. It wrapped me in comfort the same way that Edward always did.

Things were…weird for Edward and me for a while after those kisses with Jacob last year in eighth grade. I couldn't get a definitive answer from him as to why he thought I shouldn't have kissed Jacob other than that he didn't like him. I think he just didn't know him really well, Jacob really was harmless, but it was one of those things that we just never talked about.

And it wasn't like Jacob Black came up in conversation often, either. Yeah, I had made out with him a few times for like, two weeks, last year but that was where it ended. Jacob and this girl Leah in his grade ended up getting together a few weeks after school had started up again after winter break, and considering that I was still completely in love with my oblivious best friend, Edward, I was totally okay with it.

"6:30!" I shouted back to Mom downstairs. The door to my bedroom was open so I knew she would hear me. Our house wasn't that big.

"6:30? That's only like, an hour from now. We have to hurry!" Alice shrieked and pulled me back onto my bedroom floor. I positioned myself just like we had discussed, my hair flowing out from around my head onto a towel on top of an ironing board laid flat on the floor. "Okay, lay completely still. Don't . Move."

I don't think I had ever heard Alice's voice so demanding.

"You promise you know what you're doing?" I tried not to let the doubt slip out of my mouth as I watched Alice ready herself above my head. She glanced at me briefly before fixing my hair again so it was away from my head on the floor.

"Uh, sure."

"Wait, you've never done this before?" The panic in my voice was evident this time and I tried to get up before she got to me.

She pushed me back down instead, shushing me.

"Technically, no. But Jessica was talking about how she did this to Lauren's hair last week. I mean, how hard is it to straighten someone's hair?"

"I would say pretty hard when you're using a clothing iron."

Alice rolled her eyes, "Stop. It's not hard. Just don't move for the next forty minutes."

"Forty minutes!?"

"Pain is beauty, my friend. Or something like that." She moved the iron above my face and I flinched at the heat radiating from it already. I cringed at my wavy curls being flattened by the same thing that ironed my Dad's underwear. "Just think of Edward's reaction when he sees your hair super straight like this. Oh, look. It's working!"

"It is?!" I attempted to shoot up towards the mirror.

"No, Bella! Come back. I promise if you move I'll burn you. Accidentally, of course."

"Of course."

After about ten minutes of subjecting myself to being Alice's guinea pig, I started to relax. I watched Alice's face for any signs of distress or confusion and her features remained neutral the entire time. Maybe this would work, after all.

"Okay. Done. With fifteen minutes to spare."

She gave me the permission to leave my spot on the floor and I was in front of my mirror in two steps. My mouth dropped open in surprise and I twirled my hair slowly across my shoulders. It was sleek straight, not an ounce of curl visible on my head. My scalp was possibly on fire but damn. It was amazing.

"Wow. Longest forty minutes ever but so worth it. It's so straight!" I exclaimed, running my fingers through the silky soft of my hair.

Alice curtseyed jokingly.

"I know! Wow, your hair is so long!"

We spent the next few minutes admiring our new creation, committing to trying this on Rose's hair the first chance we got. Her hair was even longer and thicker than mine so we would have to lock ourselves in our room for the whole day, which we were looking forward to. We hadn't had a girl's night in a while, anyway.

"Are we ready to go?" We looked around the room for anything we might be forgetting.

"Yeah, I think so. They should be here any minute."

Grabbing our jackets, we slipped them on and headed towards the stairs. We smelled of Tommy Hilfiger perfume and ironed hair but we were ready for our first Homecoming game. No one went to the dance, which bummed us out for a long time, but Emmett promised us that the dance was lame and that there was more fun to be had at other places.

"Do you girls want to bring a blanket with you?"

Alice and I had made our way into the living room and we were peering out of the blinds to see if we saw Edward and Jasper walking up the driveway. I turned to look at Mom.

"A blanket? No way." I replied incredulously.

"Are you sure you'll be warm enough?"

"We'll be fine, Mom. We have our jackets."

"Jasper and Edward are here." Alice intervened before Mom made us walk out of the house wearing our winter snowsuits. She dropped the blinds back to where they were and went to open the door for the boys to come in.

"Okay, I just have to finish a few things." Mom disappeared into the kitchen, making sure everything was turned off and safe for her to drop us off at the field. Dad was working, of course, as this was one of the busiest nights of the year for the teenagers of Forks. I had already been given lecture after lecture about the dangers of peer pressure and drinking and drugs and unprotected sex from both of my parents in the past six weeks of my being in high school.

The boys came into the living room after Alice, comfortable in their surroundings. They had been here plenty of times before. If we weren't at The Rec, we were here annoying my Mom even though she loved every second of it but pretended to hate it.

Our Tommy Hilfiger perfume was challenged by the boys' Polo cologne, and I swear I almost melted when Edward's smell drifted over me.

" 'Sup?" Jasper nodded his head towards us in greeting.

"We're ready. We just have to wait for my Mom." I pointed with my thumb towards my mom and whatever she was doing in the kitchen.

"It's cool."

The boys quizzed us on the rules of football while we waited and a few minutes later the sound of Mom's keys on her keychain alerted us of her presence.

"Okay, kids. Quick picture before we go! Aww, your first football game. Say 'Touchdown'!"

"Touchdown!" We all yelled and smiled with a good amount of eye roll. The flash blinded us and we all blinked and saw yellow spots for a few minutes afterwards as we piled into Mom's car for the game.

Mom didn't want to stay at the game without my dad there so she dropped us off in the back parking lot of the high school. There was a line of traffic with all of the other parent's dropping their kids off at the game. We didn't really know what to do once we got there so we just followed the crowd and ended up in the line to buy the tickets for the game.

Alice and Jasper were in front of Edward and me, and when I reached into my purse to pull out my money to buy the ticket, I felt a hand on my own, stopping me.

Edward shook his head. "I got you tonight."

"Edward, I got it. It's like, three dollars."

"Exactly. Three dollars." I still felt the sting of his fingers on my skin as I tucked my three dollars away.

"Well, I owe you one, then."

"Shut up, Bella." He smiled that special smile of his, the crinkles reaching the corner of his eyes, and he nudged my shoulder with his. As he asked the parent volunteer for our two tickets, a part of me squealed so loudly that I thought he might have heard it as he stood next to me. Once Edward's wallet was away and we each had our own ticket in our hand, we followed Jasper and Alice into the crowd to head onto the field.

We ran the track under our feet every day in gym class but it felt like a completely different world as it became filled with students, faculty, and townspeople here to watch the game. The green of the field seemed a little greener under those florescent lights and the reflection off of the bleachers almost blinded me in its magnificence. There were soft pretzels and yes, - hot chocolate! – all around us. After we raided the food stand of everything they owned, we squeezed our way through the crowd of the upperclassmen that were too cool to sit in the bleachers, and made our way to find seats for all four of us.

It took a few minutes, with the four of us standing in the front trying to eye a spot to fit all of us. Jasper eventually found one and after stepping on a couple of toes and some close calls with hot beverages, we sat in our seats with Alice and I in the middle. Edward sat alongside of me and Jasper sat next to Alice, and I tried really hard not to get my hopes up, but it was kind of looking like a double date. That thought warmed me up even more than my hot chocolate and I shivered in anticipation, catching Edward's eye.

Edward looked over at me.

"Are you cold?" He took that moment to eye my long straight hair for the first time that night even though the top of it was hidden under my gray woven hat. He looked back at me with a soft smile, knowing that I had caught him looking. "It's long."

I nodded, not knowing if it was Edward's way of complimenting me, but I smiled and took it as one, anyway.

"Look, there's Rose!" Alice pointed out towards the left side of bleachers where the cheerleaders were making their way onto the field. Eventually they stood in front of our bleachers and after getting their squads into formation, they performed a few cheers to get the crowd hyped for the game.

"Are they gonna run though one of those big banners when they go onto the field?" I asked, blowing on my hot chocolate before taking a sip.

"That would be awesome. I would pay to see at least one of them not burst through it and fall backwards." Jasper joked.

"Maybe they'll shoot confetti out of cannons or something!" Alice exclaimed.

"Cannons? This is a football game, not the Battle of Gettysburg." Jasper retorted and she playfully hit him on his knee and told him to hush.

"It's Friday night and we're at a football game. You're not allowed to talk about the Civil War, Jasper." Edward said, leaning over me to look towards Jasper. I got an extra close whiff of his cologne and if I wasn't in a public place I probably would have done something really embarrassing like sniff him or something.

Jasper ignored him and continued, "And, don't forget. It's Forks we're talking about here. The only reason we win any games at all is because every other school in our division is one step above the Pee Wee league across the street."

We all laughed until Edward spoke up. "We also have Emmett," and said and pointed towards the school where the team was most likely getting ready to make their way out.

"True story."

There weren't any banners or confetti or cannons to introduce the team onto the field, but the chorus sang a nice version of the Star Spangled Banner before kickoff and before we knew it we were all cheering for the win.

"So, I've decided." Edward said to me a few minutes after the game had officially started. I broke off a piece of his pretzel and popped it into my mouth.

"This can't be good."

He chuckled and pointed down towards the field, "We're going to be the commentators for this game."

At that moment the announcer's voice broke through the crisp night air, rattling off statistics that meant nothing to me and to most of the teenagers there. I pointed up to where he sat in his booth above us.

"There is no way in hell that you're getting me in that booth."

"No shit." He laughed, and shook his head and pointed back and forth between the two of us. " Right here. Just us two."

"Is this your way of quizzing me on my football skills?"

"Maybe."

"I would much rather play than talk about other people playing."

He looked at me surprisingly, with a daring look on his face like he didn't believe me. "You'd actually play?"

I nodded confidently. "Of course! Why wouldn't I?" I shrugged my shoulders.

"I distinctly remember you saying that you don't like to lose."

He was referring to the conversation we had the night of the cookie contest last Christmas, which reminded me of Jacob and how this was the closest Edward and I had gotten to talking about it. I wanted to tell him that it truly meant nothing; you know the whole kissing a bunch of frogs before meeting your Prince or something like that.

But I didn't feel this was the time or place. Maybe I would later once I knew for sure if this was a double date or not. I chanced a glance towards Alice and Jasper and found them to be doing almost exactly the same thing as Edward and I. They looked really into each other and I wondered if we looked like that, too.

I shook the thoughts out of my head and focused on Edward. What was he saying? Oh, yes. About me not losing.

"Oh, I don't. That's why I win. Always."

"Even when it comes to football?"

"Have you seen me on the soccer field?" I looked at him like he was born yesterday.

"Point taken." He held his hands up in surrender.

"I would need to practice first."

"No practicing."

"That's not fair!"

"How is that not fair?"

"Because you've played before and the first time I touched a football was last week when Emmett threw one at my head."

"Gotta catch those."

"How can I when it was behind my head?"

"A good defense always knows where the ball is."

"I bet neither of you could tell me what yard line the ball is on now," Rose's voice interrupted us all and we all welcomed her into our group, sliding her in between Alice and I to warm her up. She was able to join us between cheers.

She was right.

Apparently, there was a football game going on while Edward and I were talking. I completely forgot where I was and what was going on around me whenever Edward and I were together.

The game was over before we knew it and after we declared victory against the visiting team, the stands emptied and the crowd dispersed into different directions.

Emmett came out a little while later, his hair wet from the shower and his face happy from the win. He headed over to our little circle.

He threw his arm around Rose and leaned in to us. "You guys wanna go to a real party?"

\- - - tr - - -

If my dad could see me right now, he would kill me.

Maybe not kill me. But I would definitely be grounded for the rest of my life.

I had no idea what time it was.

I was wearing Edward's jacket.

I was lying in the grass.

So was Alice. I think Jasper was with her, too. Emmett and Rose were inside The Rec trying to convince Carlisle to order Dominos.

Edward was next to me, my head rising and falling as it lay resting against his chest. My one arm hung loosely over his stomach near his waist. Somewhere in the haze I recognized his fingers playing with the ends of my hair.

That night was one of the many rites of passage upon being in high school, and I was so happy to be experiencing this with all of my friends. The boys were our own personal bodyguards that night. They didn't let us get too crazy and they never left our sides all night long.

There was a little alcohol, a little bit of what this guy called weed, and a lot of laughs. More laughs than I remember in my whole life which I guess is what brought us here to the grass behind The Rec in the freezing cold temperatures.

Some parts I would forget about as time faded but not all of it. I think I'd always remember looking up at the stars with Edward in the grass. Even if someday I decided to cut my hair all the way up to my chin, I'd still remember the way Edward let the long silky strands slip between his fingertips for what felt like hours.

It trumped Emmett taking us to our first high school party down at the lake. There were three different bonfires raging into the night air, adding electricity to the air that we all felt. Emmett had taken Rose to a few of these parties last year when she was a freshman but it was a completely different experience for her now that Alice and I were with her.

After Alice had leaned back in one of the beach chairs that someone had brought and had flipped over into the sand, the boys decided our night was over and called Carlisle to come pick us up and take us back to The Rec. Rose, Alice and I were too busy laughing our asses off to even realize we were leaving or where we were headed. We knew we were protected and headed somewhere where we all felt free and contained at the same time.

The Rec was always ambiguous that way.

"You smell like smoke," I whispered to Edward into the darkness. The only light around us all was from the moon above us and the dim light from the back porch of The Rec.

I felt Edward laugh beneath me, his shoulders shaking gently in the cold grass. "We were around three huge fires all night."

Feeling liberated, I took that sniff I wanted to do earlier and buried my nose into his chest. "I like it." I said when I came up for air.

He laughed again, this time louder than before and it felt like he inched his way closer to me. "You know what I like?" Edward asked once his laughter had subsided. His fingers still twirled around my hair and I closed my eyes to memorize the feeling forever.

"Hmm?" I was borderline incoherent and I knew that if I ever got to experience a kiss with Edward, I would surely never recover from it.

"S'mores."

Not what I was expecting him to say considering I wanted a declaration of his love for me.

"Do you have some?"

"Yeah, I always keep my spare right here in my pocket."

It was my turn to laugh and we turned our bodies in towards each other as we ignored everyone else around us with our snickers.

"Shut up. I hate you. Now I want some."

"See if Rose and Emmett can get some from Dominos."

"Since when do they have s'mores?"

"It would be awesome if they did."

I closed my eyes for a second, one part of me relishing in the intimacy of the moment and the other part of me really wondering if Dominos had s'mores or not.

A few minutes later with my eyes still closed, I broke the silence. "You know what I like?"

He didn't answer right away but I wasn't prepared for when he actually did. "Jacob Black?"

At that moment I knew.

I knew that we were about to cross that line that we had been hovering on since almost the minute I met him.

And for someone like Edward to take the first leap, the same boy who woke up every morning without a certainty that the people he allowed to get close enough to him would still be there the next day, I knew that this was going to be a big shift in our relationship.

I was so ready. I tried to play it cool even though I didn't think I was capable of pretty much anything given my current state from our night of high school tradition.

"Eww, no way."

"No way? Then why did you kiss him last year?" I could hear the apprehension in his voice, the part of him that wanted to know but was too scared to ask even though it had happened almost a year ago.

"The same reason why you fingered Tanya over the summer at the carnival."

I had been devastated when that rumor started to fly around but because I had spent two weeks kissing Jacob, who was I to judge? I could have called him out on it like he did to me but what was the point? I was a teenager and I was pretty sure that would be the first of about a billion mistakes I was guaranteed to make.

"What? Who told you that?" He moved his fingers from my hair and leaned up so his weight shifted onto his elbows.

"Tanya."

She told anyone who would listen. I learned more about Tanya Denali that day that I ever wanted to know, and later on that night Rose, Alice and I had a very long and open discussion about all sorts of things girls talk to their friends about.

"Oh."

He was silent for a few minutes.

We both were. We were in a place where we had never gone before.

"Well, is it true?" My arm was still around his waist and without answering he lowered himself back down into the grass and stared up at the sky before turning to answer me.

"Yeah, kind of."

"Kind of? How do you kind of finger someone?"

"Can you not shout that please?" He covered my mouth with his hand and I was tempted to lick him. Boundaries.

"I'm shouting? It feels like I'm whispering."

"You are most definitely not whispering."

I tried my whispering skills again. "How did you 'kind of'?"

I could tell he was trying to put it into the right words.

"Well, I did it but I didn't really want to. I wasn't that into it."

I let that sink in. I understood.

"Did you like it?" I don't know why I asked but I wanted to know.

"Did you like kissing Jacob?"

Why did he always answer my question with another question?

I paused to think about it. Did I like kissing Jacob? I liked it because it was my first kiss. For those five seconds, I entered a new world completely different than what I had ever thought possible. I was no longer the girl who played soccer or the girl who liked to go to the bakery in town with her mom on Sunday's. I had started to feel the beauty of self-confidence and was starting to look at myself in the mirror and see something I thought was pretty, and being pretty was important to a teenage girl.

But…

It wasn't Edward. It was messy and abrupt and his lips weren't as soft as I imagined Edward's to be.

So even though I liked it, I also didn't like it at the same time.

I decided to answer him honestly. "Kind of."

A mutual understanding filled the air around us. A mutual apology for something we didn't even know what to apologize for.

Edward's voice sounded tired but lighter than it had in a while. "I did it more for the experience rather than the person I was experiencing it with."

"Me, too. Maybe it's not so much about the experience."

"But more about the person."

And that night in the grass, coming down from the literal highs from homecoming and the party afterwards, I truly believed that Edward and I had found our person.

\- - - tr - - -

 _Dear Diary,_

 _Edward showed up today for finals. We only have one week left before summer starts and we are officially sophomores. I'm glad Edward showed up today considering he hasn't been in school for the last two weeks because of his switch to a new foster family. He hasn't been at The Rec in two weeks either and I am dying to see him. We all are. I stopped him after our last final of the day and he only shook his head at me. He handed me a piece of paper with his new screen name on it. I've already set the alert on AIM to let me know when he signs on but so far he hasn't._

 _I feel horrible, maybe as horrible as Edward looked today. I was hoping that things would finally start to look better for him but I'm guessing things aren't yet. Once he talks to me, we'll be able to fix this._

 _Everything can always be fixed._

\- - - tr - - -

 **It won't be long for these two, I promise. See you next week.**


	7. Chapter 7

Sophomore year was only two weeks away.

Summer had been fun but not as much as it should have been.

I only saw Edward twice since school got out six weeks ago.

And those two times were so quick it was possible that it was something my mind conjured up because of Edward's absence. I didn't even know what was really going on with him and his situation. He preferred not to go into detail about his life in and out of foster care, especially when there were other people around, and because I had only seen him at The Rec with only, I don't know, almost all of our grade there, he wasn't able to tell me what was happening or where he was or what he was doing or with who.

My misery didn't even remotely come close to that of Edward's, but I was miserable without him. I had Rose and Alice and we had even gotten part time jobs over the course of the summer, and for the most part working at the library downtown was enough to occupy my time and thoughts, but it hit me at random times. Certain things we did or places we went just made his absence all the more noticeable.

With only two more weeks to go until school started again, we had all gotten our class schedules and had spent most of our time comparing them with each other to see if we were in any classes together. The whole time at The Rec when we were passing them all around, relief on all of our faces to see that we at least knew one person in each class, I couldn't help but wonder where Edward was, or if he was even going to go to school with us this year at all.

I know Edward wouldn't just vanish like this if things were up to him. If he was the one in control. He was sixteen years old now and one of the things he told me a long time ago was that all he needed to do was hold on until he was eighteen and then he'd be free to live any way and anywhere he wanted to. It was bold and naive but after years of slipping through the cracks the way that Edward had, I doubted that Edward would say those words and not mean it.

It was a Thursday night, and I was in my room finishing up a book for a summer reading assignment. I had all summer to read it and write a paper on it but being the teenager I was, of course I waited until this week to start it. I always managed to make good grades in all of my classes, no matter how much I procrastinated, so Mom wasn't on my case about it too much until a few days ago.

And considering how bored I was now that Edward was almost a figment of my imagination, I didn't protest.

It was a perfect night to curl up with a book hidden in my bed beneath the covers, actually. A summer thunderstorm had just rolled through, and the remaining drizzle fell softly against my bedroom windows. If I hadn't finished my book a few minutes ago, it could have lulled me to sleep.

Flipping my purple comforter off of me, I dropped my book on my desk and opened my bedroom door quietly, not wanting to wake my mom up from her room down the hall. My dad was working tonight and since it was just us girls and my homework, Mom had drifted off to bed a while ago. I tiptoed to the bathroom and shut the door softly, looking at my reflection in the mirror before brushing my teeth.

Like every summer, Emmett had tried to convince Carlisle and Felix to put up a pool at The Rec. And as usual, they said no, so we had to find other ways to soak up some Vitamin D. It took them three weeks to find it, but Emmett and Jasper had found a trail that led to a shallow wading pool surrounded by trees and large rocks. It wasn't too far away from The Rec so all we did was bring our swimming stuff and headed out for the day. It made for fun times beneath the sun and as I watched myself in the mirror after I finished brushing my teeth, I couldn't help but notice the tan that covered my skin. I ran a hand through my hair, watching it as it fell past my shoulders and stopped near my shoulder blades. It was wild and thick, the summer air permanently residing in the ebbs and waves of the dark curls. I groaned out loud in the bathroom just thinking about the knot it would be in the morning, and I debated cutting it all off as I walked back into my room and shut my door behind me.

The rain started up again, and I heard the soft knocking from the tree branch outside my window knock against the window panes. Bored, I resigned myself to turning off my bedroom light and turning the TV on. After a few minutes of channel surfing, I settled on MTV and snuggled deep into my blankets, my sheets feeling cool against my bare skin. There was a fan settled in the corner of my room attempting to cool me off, but it did little when it came to the summer heat. I was finally comfortable in a pair of pink pajama shorts and a white tank top.

I tried to get into another episode of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge, but the rain and wind from outside intensified, the pitter patter against my window making it difficult to concentrate. The sound was sporadic, not a rhythmic sound that I could fall asleep to. It wasn't too late, only a little after ten, and I didn't have any plans at all the next day. I was off from the library, and if the rain continued like it did now, we wouldn't be able to go swimming like we wanted to. We wanted to soak it all up in our time remaining before school started.

A louder thwack against my window made me turn towards it quickly, my heart beating loudly inside my chest. Another thwack followed, and my first instinct was to run but curiosity had always gotten the best of me. It went against all the years of lecture after lecture _after lecture_ from Dad about being a young girl in today's world, and to never investigate strange noises. Especially at night.

When another sound appeared at my window, I cautiously took two steps forward, looking around my room quickly to see if there was anything near me I could use as a weapon. Well, considering that my dad always declared the state of my room as a natural disaster, I could almost hear him say that one step in my room and any intruder would just get lost in here underneath the piles of clothes and books and movies and other random stuff that any teenage girl had to have in her possession. It wasn't that bad at all, truthfully.

I neared my window now, and I slowly peered one eye over the curtain, hoping to figure out what it was exactly that was making me look as ridiculous as I did at the moment.

 _Thwack!_

I jumped down to the floor and crouched in the space between my window and the floor. I could have ran like a bat out of hell to Mom's room but instead I very slowly moved myself up the wall until only my forehead and eyes were visible to the outside world through my window.

Nothing.

There was nothing out there, and I noticed that the tree was barely moving and it wasn't even raining.

I was comforted for a split second, knowing that I wasn't able to see anything outside, but if it wasn't raining or windy, then what was that sound?

The sound hit against the window one more time, and I ducked so fast I thought I might hit my chin on the window sill.

 _That's it. I'm out of here._

I bolted as fast as I could in an army crawl towards my door, but a completely different sound stalled me in my tracks.

 _Bella._

It was my name!

There was something out there, and whatever it was knew my name.

"Bella!"

It sounded familiar, even though it was coming from outside and a story beneath me.

Heading back towards the window, I moved the curtain an inch to the left, and once I saw his coppery brown hair in the moonlight, a completely different sensation ran through my body.

I couldn't get the window open fast enough.

"Edward? What are you doing here?!" I whisper yelled to the crazy boy below. I looked over my shoulder towards my door to make sure Mom hadn't heard any of this.

He was looking up at me in the darkness but I saw him shrug like it was no big deal for him to show up at my window this late at night. "You weren't at The Rec."

"So you decided to throw rocks at my window?"

He shook his head, holding up a small white and green box. "No, not rocks. Junior Mints."

"Eh, I guess it's not such a waste. Those things suck," I said, crunching my nose in disgust.

"Are you crazy? These things are the best."

"Am I crazy? You're the one throwing candy at a girl's window like it's 1952."

I saw him start to laugh and he held his hands up in defeat. "Alright, fine. Are you gonna let me up?"

"Wouldn't it be easier to just go through the front door?"

"No. This is cooler."

He was right. This was definitely more exciting than your standard walk through a front door. I looked down as he eyed his ascent and I shook my head and covered my eyes.

"Okay, but I'm not sure I can watch you do this."

"I got this."

He most certainly did not…."got this". It was painful watching him try to maneuver himself through this ancient tree of mine, and a few times I thought he was actually going to die. Once he made the leap from the tree to my window sill, it wasn't a pretty landing.

It was louder than he intended, and we stood still for a few moments after I helped haul his long legs into my room, hoping that the noise of my TV would drown out the fact that Edward had just climbed through my bedroom window. Once we were sure my mom was still asleep and my door was locked, I slapped him hard on the shoulder.

"Are you trying to kill me? You scared me half to death!" I held a hand to my chest.

Edward grabbed his shoulder in mock pain. "Ow, hey! Not a nice way to greet a visitor." I rolled my eyes at him and crossed my arms over my chest, suddenly realizing how little I was wearing at the moment. He noticed too, and I let his eyes travel down my legs, only to meet mine once he was finished. He gave me a small smirk in approval so I slapped him again before he pulled me in for a hug.

I buried my face in his chest, inhaling his scent for the first time in what felt like months. I closed my eyes and savored the moment.

"I missed you." I murmured into his chest, my arms wrapped around his waist. I felt his hands slide up and down my back and when he whispered back I almost melted in his arms.

"Me, too. You have no idea."

As much as I hated it, I pulled myself away from him and walked us over to my bed. We made ourselves as comfortable as we could without lying down. I reached for his hand, needing some type of contact from him. It warmed my heart to know that he didn't squirm away from my hand despite how long it was since we were able to see each other. "Where have you been? Are you okay?"

He nodded quickly, squeezing my fingers before loosening them just as fast. He swallowed in the dim light. "I'm fine now. Well, for now, I think." I urged him to continue, knowing that he would never tell me anything he didn't feel comfortable with and I never pushed him.

"The last house I was at didn't work out so I was back at the group home for a while. The older I get the harder it is to find a foster home, even a temporary one." Edward's eyes met mine and for the billionth time since I had met him all those years ago in fifth grade, I wondered why it was him. Why did I get so lucky to be adopted into such a warm and loving family when Edward had spent literally his whole life bouncing around from house to house? How could anyone look at him and not see him for who he was?

He never got into any trouble, well, any trouble that wasn't typical for a teenage boy in a rather obsolete town. My own father had nothing but nice things to say about him, and that tells you something. His grades never suffered, my mom said he was more polite than I was sometimes, he was a true and loyal friend to anyone that had ever crossed his path, and truthfully, I had no idea why he was the way he was considering life had given him every fucking reason not to be.

Throw in the fact that sometimes he was just too pretty to even look at sometimes, and it made me almost walk down the hall to ask my mom if we could adopt him ourselves. I shook my head back to the present, to the gorgeous boy sitting crisscrossed on my bed across from me.

"But they found you one?" I asked softly, keeping my voice low.

He nodded. "Yeah, a few day ago. They seem pretty cool even though I know they're only in it for the check. They don't seem to mind if I come home or not."

I felt sick for him and tilting my head, I asked, "How is that better than the group home?"

He shrugged as if I were asking for a piece of gum. "The less I have to check in with anyone, the better for me. There's no way in hell I'd be here right now if I was still at the home."

Right now, according to me, was heaven on earth. After spending a summer without him, this was well worth the wait. And he was worth everything.

"Yeah, I guess that's true. A head's up would have been nice, though." I smiled and he looked down at the blankets between us, a smirk appearing on the corner of his mouth. I tapped the box of candies he brought with him and looked at him strangely. "Junior Mints?"

He laughed and I reached over to cover his mouth so my mom wouldn't wake up. I pretended not to feel his lips against the palm of my hand. I moved my hands once I trusted them not to pull him towards me and start something I couldn't finish.

"Emmett," Edward said, leaning back onto the blankets so he was on his back staring up at the ceiling. He didn't move an inch when I got myself comfortable next to him onto my pillows. I wasn't planning on Edward being in my bed any time soon but I marveled at how comfortable and natural it felt to have him here. He continued. "I went over to The Rec earlier to see where everyone was and he was there. Just got back from a movie."

"Oh yeah, him and Rose went to see something, I forget what."

"Emmett and Rose?" He shot up from his spot on my bed, and I nodded slowly in a matter of fact.

"Yeah, I think they made it "official" a few weeks ago once school let out."

He didn't answer for a few seconds, and when he did his eyes kept wavering to my eyes, my lips and then back to his hands. "Is it…weird? To see them together after we've been friends since we were kids?"

He wasn't looking at me, so I wasn't sure if he saw me shrug like it was no big deal.

"Not really. They've been acting weird around us for like, forever it seems. Now that it's out in the open it doesn't seem like much changed. Except we do see them making out all the time."

He made a face before laughing. "I'll just have to get used to it."

Edward eventually reached for the remote and we flipped through the channels for a while until we realized that there wasn't much on TV for as late at night as it was. I don't know where the time went but that was always how it was with us. If it wasn't for the yawn that was trying to surface from deep within me, I could have stayed like this with him for hours more. I could tell he didn't want to leave as much as I wanted him to stay, and reluctantly he reached for his hoodie and slipped it on over his head, a sliver of skin peeking out from between his t shirt and the waistband of his boxers.

I held on to my nightstand for support.

"So do you think you'll be staying in Forks?" I asked as he gathered whatever else he brought with him. It wasn't much considering he practically forced me to eat those disgusting Junior Mints.

"They're trying to make it work out so I can finish high school here. And if things stay like this, then I think I'll be okay. I'll only have to go home to sleep."

"I didn't know if you were coming back." I didn't want him to leave without him knowing that. The minute he stepped foot out of this room, nothing was guaranteed as to when the next time I would see him would be.

"How could I leave?" Edward's voice was soft again, so soft that it could have swayed me off of my feet even more than I was already…swept.

"I was scared for you."

I felt his fingers on my chin, tilting my head so I was staring directly into those eyes of his that gave the Wizard of Oz a run for his money. He spoke with such conviction that I had no choice but to agree with him. "Don't be scared for me. Scared is the last thing I want you to think of me."

His eyes continued to search mine as I felt my own pool with tears, and I wiped them away before they could fall in front of him. "How could I not be scared? One minute you're here and the next, you're gone."

For the second time that night, Edward pulled me in for a hug so warm and comforting that I never wanted to let go. His voice was hidden in my hair but I heard it all the same. "I promised you a long time ago that I'll never be gone. I'll always find a way to reach you." He pulled back a little so I could see his face again. "They have these things called phones, have you heard of them?"

"No, shit." I gave him a little shove. "Seriously, though. I'm so glad you're here."

"Like I said, I'll never leave you."

\- - - tr - - -

I was surprised how quickly I fell asleep once Edward had crawled out of my window and disappeared into the early morning light. The sun hadn't risen yet but I was still able to see him as he slipped passed the sleeping people in my neighborhood, going undetected from both my mom and anyone else.

Mom had given up on trying to get me out of bed at a decent hour, and when I finally rolled out of bed a little after noon, I felt refreshed and ready to spend the day with Edward. He said he'd be at The Rec as soon as he could, so I didn't waste any time in getting ready. Taking a glimpse out of my window, I saw that the rain from last night had subsided, so I quickly took a shower and slipped on a pair of jean shorts and a tank top. A little make up, some curl to my hair, and a pair of black sandals was all it took to have me bolting down the stairs, looking back and forth for my mom.

"Mom! Where are you?"

"I'm right here, sweetie." I heard the patience tested in her voice because she was, literally, right in front of my face.

"Oh, sorry. Didn't see you there. Can you take me over to The Rec?"

She looked at her watch. "Now? What about breakfast? Or lunch, in your case."

I waved her off, "There'll be food there."

"Okay, fine. What's the rush?"

"There's no rush. I just want to get there."

"Mmm Hmmm. But there's no rush."

"Nope, no rush at all. I'll meet you in the car?"

I didn't hear her response as I shut the front door behind me, taking the steps two at a time.

We made small talk on the way there, and she weaseled it out of me that Edward was back. I didn't tell her about our late night visit because if I did then it would never happen again, and I wanted more than anything to have a night like that every damn night.

"Call me and let me know what your plan is?" My mom said to me as I slipped out of her car. I nodded and waved goodbye and ran inside to loud cheers of excitement and happiness.

Edward was back and there was no doubt that this is where he belonged.

And for the day, we belonged in Port Angeles, to celebrate Edward's return. What there was to do in Port Angeles we weren't sure, but that was what Alice and Emmett had decided. More like demanded, but whatever. I didn't care where we were going as long as Edward was with us.

With Emmett being a senior this year, he finally, after what felt like forever, had gotten his license a couple of weeks ago and had promised Felix a month's worth of dinner dishes if he let him borrow his van so all of us could ride together. It took a lot of convincing, even after the repayment of the dishes, but eventually he tossed Emmett the keys and we ran out of there like the place was on fire.

We listened to loud music with the windows down, Jasper kind enough to blow the smoke from his cigarette out the window as we flew down the interstate. We were pretty much the epitome of the teenagers our parents warned us about.

We all exited the car relatively unscathed, and we wasted no time in finding the enjoyment that Port Angeles held. The weather was fair and when Alice and I went inside some of the stores that lined the streets around us, I was able to buy myself some earrings and a necklace with my own money from working at the library.

My dad would say that I shouldn't spend my hard earned money on something as trivial as a pair of earrings but what did he know about earrings, anyway?

The hours blurred together, images of hot dogs with mustard down by the pier and games on the boardwalk burning into my memory for the rest of time. I would always be able to hear the laughter from all of us, the smile on Edward's face as bright as the sun as it threatened to make an appearance over the water as the day ended and evening began.

With only a couple of dollars left between all of us to spare, our last stop was at a thrift store right near where we had parked Felix's huge van. We all joked at Emmett's expense on how bad ass he looked driving us all around like a soccer mom.

Not that any of us non-drivers could talk.

"Okay, whoever finds the coolest thing in here, wins." Emmett said. He motioned with his fingers once all six of us were in a small circle together. "Let's pool our money together."

"What are we winning?" Jasper asked.

"Ten, eleven…okay, twelve dollars is our limit."

"Am I looking for something that all of us could use?" Rose asked, putting her hand on her hips when Emmett shot her an exasperated look. "Just trying to follow the rules, Em."

"Okay, let's just go." Emmett led us inside and we all entered the store like the loud and boisterous teenagers we were. "Okay, break!"

We ended up splitting up into boys vs. girls, and even though I may have peed a little when Alice tried on this hat that was bigger than her body, I still hated being separated from Edward. All day long he had been right next to me, and a couple times I thought I felt his hand lightly touch my own. Just thinking about it was enough to distract me from our mission inside the thrift store.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I think I may have found the winning ticket." We heard Jasper's voice from around the corner, and Alice, Rose and I dropped our finds to see what Jasper had found. We saw him standing over a white basket filled to the top with old VHS tapes. He had one of them in his hands.

"What is it?" Alice said, reaching over to see the name of the movie.

"This, little lady, is –"

"Is that porn?!" Emmett bellowed from over Jasper's shoulder, grabbing the tape out of his hands and bringing it closer so he could read it.

Edward snatched it from Emmett's hands before Emmett could figure out if it was or not. "Oh, yeah. Definitely porn."

Emmett snatched it back into his possession and tapped it against his fingers. "We are so buying this."

"Are you really going to buy that?" Alice screeched. I suddenly had no voice.

"Fuck yeah, we're buying it and we're all gonna watch it as soon as we get back."

"No way is my money going towards that," I said, crossing my arms.

"You can have your money back. This is probably only like, twenty nine cents. Let's go!"

And that is how I came to watch porn for the first time.

\- - - tr - - -

"Guys, we're going to get in trouble," I hissed as we made our way into the room where the sick kids stayed at The Rec. It was the same room where we had found Emmett all those years ago with the bloodied lip, and not much had changed since the last time we had been in there.

Except that Edward was busy sliding an old VHS tape of porn into the VCR.

"No, we'll be fine. Just act natural," Jasper urged, closing the door behind him as we all sat on the cot with our backs against the wall.

"Act natural? How can I when I am about to watch porn made in the seventies?" Alice was against this as much as I was. Rose was absolutely no help whatsoever, and Alice and I watched as she made herself comfortable in the front row.

The only thing missing was her fucking popcorn.

I made sure to stay far away from Edward. I didn't know what to expect and I was so nervous that my teeth were chattering. I knew most of us in the room had never had sex before; Rose and Emmett were the closest ones to actually committing the deed. Maybe that was why they were so into it.

Gross.

"Shh, shh. It's starting," Jasper whispered from his spot on the cot. Alice and I looked at each other with unease.

"Wait, turn the volume down," Edward said. His voice combined with our current situation made my stomach tingle.

"We can't have the volume down. Too suspicious," Emmett muttered, his eyes never leaving the screen as the, I don't know what you'd call them, actors? appeared on the TV.

We left it on until the first article of clothing was removed. Alice covered her eyes with her hands, her fingers blocking the woman on screen.

"Why is there so much hair!?" Alice practically shouted. I took one look at the horror on her face and I lost it, unable to contain my laughter for any longer. Maybe I was nervous but I couldn't stop once I started, and eventually all of us were laughing so hard we could barely talk.

Rose hit the mute button before the woman's screams started echoing down the hall and Felix or Carlisle came in to see what we were doing.

"It'll be too obvious if we're all in here with a silent TV." Emmett argued.

"We'll be the voices, like that show Mystery Science Theater 3000 or some shit," Jasper responded. He pointed to the couple, and for a second we all stilled and watched in silence as his tongue did things I never thought possible to her.

Emmett continued in a girly voice, "You know I like it when you – "

"Touch me like this!" Jasper finished, singing that part of the song from this woman named Celine Dion my mom liked to listen to.

I don't think I laughed harder than I did that night. All of us virgins smushed together on a single cot, laughing at what used to be considered good porn. My sides hurt by the time the night was over, and as I was wiping the tears from my eyes, the credits began to roll onto the screen. We watched as the boys made a hasty retreat from the room with a promise over their shoulders to see us all tomorrow.

We all laughed at them as they disappeared to the privacy of their own homes.

"That was amazing!" Alice exclaimed, taking the video out of the VCR and hiding it inside of her purse. "I am definitely taking this home."

"Hey, why do you get to take it!" Rose retorted, reaching towards Alice's bag.

"Because you actually have a guy to do that with now, and I don't."

"Can you just hook up with Jasper already?" Rose asked her, tossing me the tape. "Edward, too?"

"I'd hook up with you if I keep watching stuff like that!" Alice joked.

We didn't leave the back room until much later, hours lost as we rehashed the tape and all the laughs that came with it. I didn't even realize that I had forgotten to call my mom, and I only was reminded when Carlisle came into the room and told me that she was here and was ready to take me home. The girls came with me and ended up staying at my house, and we may have watched the tape again behind my locked bedroom door well into the night.

\- - - tr - - -

It was tradition at The Rec to have a last day of summer party on the last Friday before school started. The same kids went year after year and each year it got more and more elaborate as our creativity blossomed as we grew up. This year one of Felix's new employees, Esme, went all out in decorations to match the Luau theme we had all voted on some time back in July.

The only thing missing was the pig on a stick, but somewhere in the distance I smelled hot dogs on the grill. We had gone out last week with our paychecks still hot off the press, and had spent all of it on grass skirts and coconut bras (that my mom prohibited me from wearing unless I wore a bathing suit underneath and that my dad didn't even know existed) and pretty magenta flowers to tuck behind our ears.

We had spent the day getting ready for the night, each of us curling each other's hair and perfecting make up to hold up through the night's festivities. We made sure we each had a disposable camera to capture all the memories we could.

Carlisle's duty for the night was to be the human alcohol detector and we knew he would be on our asses all night, so we made sure to be safe and not do anything stupid like get us kicked out of one of our favorite traditions at The Rec.

At first I felt ridiculous getting out of Mom's car in my skirt, the plastic strings tickling my ankles as we walked through the grass into the large field behind The Rec. I had opted to not wear the coconut bra and instead I wore a white bikini top with a necklace of magenta flowers hanging from my neck.

We were late as always due to Rose wanting to make an entrance, and as usual, the guys were already there playing a game of volleyball in their floral print shirts. Alice snapped a picture before we joined them in their game.

Felix made his annual speech, and we bid adieu to another summer at The Rec, each of us lost in our own reflections as we watched the fire burn from inside the fire pit.

Felix held up his glass towards the sky, encouraging us to hold up our matching non-alcoholic drinks with him in unison. "To another year here at The Rec. I can only hope you all will look back on these years with as much joy and fulfillment as it has brought me."

His voice choked on the last word, and with that we all air-clinked our drinks with him.

\- - - tr - - -

"Do you need a ride home?"

Edward and I were sitting in our tree watching what was left of the party disappear with only a few remaining people, mostly kids waiting for rides.

Edward shook his head, "Emmett's my ride."

"I think him and Rose split a little while ago."

He turned abruptly to search the people behind us, and I watched his shoulders slump in feigned annoyance. "Well, there goes my ride." I laughed.

"I can take you home. My mom's on her way," I said, swinging my feet in the air. The late summer evening had brought a chill to the air and I shivered. Edward pulled me to him like he always did and I felt warm again within seconds. I closed my eyes and let the breeze blow my hair across my back.

"Thanks, but he'll be back. Whenever they come up for air."

I rolled my eyes and chuckled, "You may be waiting a while then."

Edward dismissed my last comment, "Pshh, Emmett? I give them fifteen minutes."

After much review and analysis from our recent VHS purchase, I could argue that fifteen minutes seemed to be plenty of time to accomplish some…stuff.

Edward's voice interrupted my X rated thoughts. "I can't believe school starts on Tuesday."

I nodded in agreement, "This summer went by so fast. And it sucked until you came back around."

His arms wrapped tighter around me. "I could say the same thing about you."

"Really?" I looked up at him from my spot on his chest and he let his arms drop down my sides. He looked down at his lap.

"Of course. Everything sucks without you." He replied, and on his face I saw a glimpse of the vulnerability and inferiority that he always tried so hard to hide. I was tired of him not seeing how good he was and how much he had to offer to anyone. The world.

To me.

"I'm always here, Edward. I'm never going to leave you." In my almost sixteen years, I swear these words were the truest words I had ever spoken into existence.

He didn't answer me for a few minutes, and I was afraid my Mom would pull up before we could continue this conversation.

Edward took a deep breath before hesitantly catching my eye. "You're everything to me. In a world where sometimes all I have are the clothes on my back, the only thing that matters to me is you."

"You'll always have me."

Those were the last words out of my mouth before my life forever changed.

The feeling of Edward's lips on mine was better than anything I ever imagined in my head ever since I had started to dream about kissing boys. My head was spinning, my heart was beating uncontrollably in my chest, and my legs were shaking as the swinging they had been doing in the air gently eased to a stop. While on the inside I was slowly starting to come undone, my lips were matching his with every move as if their sole purpose in life was to kiss Edward Cullen.

His lips were warm and soft as they slow danced upon mine, and I almost fell out of the tree when I felt his lips part and the tip of his tongue tentatively touch mine.

There was no going back now.

There were no more questions.

I had all the answers I ever needed in life right here in this tree.

We eventually came up for air, our eyes closed and our foreheads resting on each other under the moonlight.

It wasn't enough.

I wanted, no, _needed_ more.

So I pulled him back down to me, my hand cupping the back of his head and we spent the last few minutes of our summer doing what we both knew we should have always been doing.

Getting lost in each other.

\- - - tr - - -

Dear Diary,

Two weeks into sophomore year, and I can already tell that my classes are going to suck this term. None of my teachers seem cool. I've already had to do more work than I had thought I would have to. I was already invited to join one too many after school activities, as if soccer doesn't already take up most of my time. And worst of all, Edward isn't in any of my classes because he registered late, even though he did manage to get into my lunch period, so I guess that counts for something.

You know what makes it all worth it?

The looks I get when Edward wraps his arms around me in the halls. Or when he meets me at my locker and carries my books for me. Especially when he looks around him to see if any teachers are coming before leaning in to kiss me the way I dream about every night.

Sophomore year is my favorite year yet!

\- - - tr - - -

 **It's fun reliving my high school days through their eyes. To this day, watching porn with a group of us girls and our guy friends is one of my favorite memories. It stopped once my Mom found the cover to one of those DVDs under the couch in the living room.**

 **Hello to all my new followers** **Thanks for all the rec's guys!**


	8. Chapter 8

Fall was my absolute favorite season. I couldn't decide if it was the smell of all the delicious scents Mom filled our house with, the sound of the leaves crunching beneath my feet, or the way my breath appeared in front of my mouth in a circle of air. Mom had gotten a part time job at the bakery in town and all she ever did these days was try to bake new recipes every chance she got. Dad and I never complained that we were the guinea pigs, even though Dad did end up having to put in a lap around the neighborhood every day. I was thankful soccer was in full swing this time of year, for sure.

If Mom's baking wasn't enough to make me love this time of year, every time I turned around another tree was changing from green to brown, or green to red, or my favorite: green to yellow. There was something so humbling about watching nature take its course upon our town. Pumpkins, haystacks, and cornstalks decorated the front porches of the homes in the neighborhood, my house and The Rec included.

Weather changed from warm to chilly, which was a perfect excuse to cuddle up underneath a blanket while pretending to watch yet another year of high school football. Now that Emmett was off at college after graduating last June, our attention was spent mostly on the crowd of friends instead of on the actual game.

And as I pressed my foot down hard on the brake pedal, I tried to remember all of the things I loved about my life and this time of year, even though the desire to scream my hatred towards a certain individual rang prevalent at the moment.

"Slow the fuck down!" Edward yelled, his body slamming forward onto the glove compartment. He looked over at me from his position in the passenger seat. "Are you insane?"

I took a deep breath and turned my body back forwards again so I was facing the empty road in front of me, my knuckles gripping the steering wheel in my grasp. I wish someone told me how fucking annoying it was to have your boyfriend teach you how to drive.

I was too angry to look at him, but I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he closed his eyes and gripped the edges of his hair in frustration. Maybe a little over a year of us being together had rubbed off on him because I had never seen a boy be as dramatic as me.

We were on an abandoned road a mile away from The Rec. Believe me; he was going to be okay. No one was hurt. No need to call an ambulance.

All I did was put a little too much on the gas and once I realized it, naturally I slammed on the brakes. Hence, Edward almost flying through the windshield.

He still had his eyes closed and he pinched the bridge of his nose. He took a few deep breaths so the words came out slowly and calmly. "In the future, it's not necessary to go from zero to sixty and then slam on your brakes seven seconds later." I could hear the self-control in his voice waning under the pressure. He still wouldn't open his eyes.

"Maybe I wouldn't have done that if you weren't over there pressing on your invisible brake pedal. It's stressing me out." He was crazy if he thought I didn't see him sitting in the passenger seat holding onto dear life the entire time.

"Well, maybe I wouldn't be if you pressed on the pedals slowly and softly like a normal person."

I was so over it.

"Fuck this." I threw the seatbelt off of me and reached for the door, slamming it shut behind me as I started walking down the road back to The Rec. I crossed my arms tightly across my chest, the cold wind blowing my hair across my face and stinging my fingers.

I made it a few more steps before I heard the sound of tires on the gravel behind me.

"Bella, get back in the car." Edward sounded calmer now, more annoyed than before, but not as angry. Still I kept walking. "Bella!"

I ignored him, and I continued ignoring him even when I heard a loud 'fuck' fly into the air and the car door open and slam behind him. The sound of his footsteps behind me I realized too late, and before I could stop it, I was engulfed in the warmth of his arms.

As much as I hated him at the moment, being in his arms was my favorite place to be.

I fought it, though, on principle.

"Get off me!" I shouted, my legs and arms flailing and landing on whatever they could as he tossed me over his shoulder and headed back towards the car. I heard him fight against his own strength to keep himself in check.

"I will after you're in the car!"

He deposited me onto the passenger seat, similar to the way he had tossed me onto my bed the night before, but instead of climbing on top of me and driving me all sorts of heavenly crazy, he walked over to the driver's seat and started the car.

We didn't speak once on the way back, our emotions doing the communicating in the front seat for us.

I was so happy that The Rec was as close as it was to our driving sessions because there was no way in hell I could stand to be near Edward for another second without his life being threatened.

I slammed the car door behind me as hard as I could, and left Edward behind as I stomped into The Rec, slamming that door behind me, too. If there was another door to slam, I'd slam that one, too!

"Trouble in paradise?" Jasper's voice snuck its way into my ear and I jumped at the sound before shoving him back towards Alice. They continued walking towards the television.

"Shut up, Jasper," I retorted and moved the curtain away from the window to see what Edward still doing outside.

It was November of our junior year, and Edward and I had been together a little over a year. It was the best year that I could have ever dreamed of, wished for, prayed upon, whatever it was that you want to call it, but it was the truth.

How do I know that it was the best?

Because of moments like these. Where we fought hard but loved harder.

I watched him as he leaned up against the hood of the car, his hands deep in his pockets and his eyes lost in the forest in front of him. Most of the trees had lost its leaves but there were still a few left hanging on against the autumn wind. It was getting darker as the minutes ticked by, the sky turning from gray to light pink and then eventually to darkness. As the sun disappeared, I watched as Edward took a step off of the car that we had borrowed from Carlisle and headed up the stairs inside.

I hadn't left my place next to the window, and I didn't have the energy to move once I heard the front door open. The window was to the left of the door, so I was able to watch him step into the room and look around, obviously searching for someone.

It was impossible to be mad at him for long, and when he eventually found who he was looking for, I forgot why we had even fought in the first place.

I admit. I was a terrible driver, and my Dad could vouch for it. Just last week he had taken me out and I was so nervous that instead of pressing the brake, I pressed the gas and almost went straight into Mrs. Cope's rose bushes. She could vouch for it too, because she was standing right next to them when I almost ran them over.

With my head still leaning against the cool glass of the window, that smirk of his I loved so much crossed his face and he held his head down sheepishly as he walked over to me and closed the distance between us.

"Forgive me?" He said, his arms slinking around my waist and pulling me against him. I closed my eyes as he pressed his lips to my forehead.

"Forgotten," I replied. And once his lips finally found my own once again, everything else was forgotten in this world except for us.

\- - - tr - - -

"I swear, these things are going to be the death of me!"

We were all sprawled on the couches in front of the TV flipping through the channels trying to find something to watch. In the hour that had taken place since we had come back inside from the car, it had been impossible to find the privacy we wanted to make up. So for now we settled for secret kisses and touches under a warm blanket on the floor next to the couch.

That was until Rose broke up our comfortable silence with a slam on the table.

"What are they?" Alice pointed to the pile of papers that Rose had strewn across the table. Jasper picked one up that had fallen onto the floor and tossed it back onto the heaping pile.

"Washington State University?" Alice asked as Rose added the paper to the rest of them. Rose nodded.

"College applications." Edward muttered.

Rose let out an exasperated sigh. "I remember Em doing these when he was a senior and I don't remember him freaking out like this!"

Emmett had gone off to Central Washington University, and for the moment they were on the downward spiral of their on again off again relationship. I don't know if they were even planning on going to the same college anymore.

She ran her hands through her hair and groaned out loud before placing her face in her hands. Her voice was muffled when she spoke. "It's so overwhelming. I don't even know where to begin."

"Let me see." Jasper got up from his spot on the couch and took a minute to glimpse over the growing pile of applications. He let the papers fall back onto table with a shake of his head.

"Yeah, this blows. And you have so many more to do." He said and went back to the couch.

I hid my chuckle inside Edward's chest.

"Wow, thanks for all your help!" Rose exclaimed with a roll of her eyes.

"Are all of these like this?" Alice asked.

"Unfortunately, yes. Better prepare yourself now."

"We have a whole year before we have to worry about that. Besides, Bella already knows where she's going to college." Alice replied.

"You do?" Jasper asked.

"Yeah, she's had it planned out since she was like, five."

"Five? Really, Rose?" I shook my head. "Not five. Maybe ten, but not five."

"Where?" It was the first time Edward contributed to the conversation, and his voice was low enough for almost only me to hear. His fingers played with mine beneath the blanket, tracing patterns on my palm and back down to my wrist and over and above to the top of my hand. It was a comfort that I felt within my bones.

"NYU."

"In New York?"

"Why New York?" Edward again.

I shrugged and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "My birth mom lives there. Or she did at some point. I don't even know if she's still there but it's the only address my mom has for her."

"Would you really want to meet her?" Rose asked, diverting her attention from her applications and looking my way.

Truthfully, I didn't know if I wanted to meet her or not. I knew nothing about her even though my parents did and had offered to tell me anything I wanted to know. There were times that I could see myself and her meeting even though I had no clue what I would even say to her. It was a difficult subject to discuss, especially since it was a situation that connected Edward and I. We were both given up by our birth parents but that was where the similarities had ended. I was one of the lucky ones where Edward was not so much. I had the opportunity to meet her and find out her history and her reasons for everything she did and why. Edward did not have that luxury and had over sixteen years to prove it.

I cleared my throat.

"I don't know. One time, a long time ago, I used to think about what it would be like to meet her. But I don't really know what I would say." I gave a soft laugh at myself, and continued. "I remember when I was little thinking that if I somehow got myself to New York that I would just be able to find her. I would, I don't know, just be able to feel something and know it was her. I don't remember how or why I decided on NYU but I've had my heart set on it ever since."

"I don't think you have to worry. You've got the grades to prove it." Rose interjected, turning her attention back to the applications that sat in front of her. It looked monotonous and I cringed at the thought of myself and Edward doing that this time next year when we were seniors.

"But New York is so far away," Alice whined, sliding up against me and stealing the blanket Edward and I had been using. She stole me for a hug and I laughed within her embrace, laughing even harder when Edward tugged me back into him.

He didn't like to share and he nuzzled my neck, sending shivers up and down my spine.

I looked back over at Alice. "It's not like I'm going to end up living there. I'll be home for all holidays and school breaks."

"I don't know if I'd ever want to run into my father," Jasper noted, his eyes glancing down at the scars on his arms that licked their way up towards his neck. He never talked about his Dad and the fire unless he had to and we never pushed it. He tore his eyes away from the flame-licked skin and stared out towards the fireplace that Carlisle had put on hours before. "That would take a lot of restraint on my part."

"Mine, too." Edward said. Edward knew nothing about his mother, and even less about his father, if that were possible.

The five of us sat quietly for a little while, each lost in thoughts of our own.

I had been too lost in the whirlwind of my first real boyfriend to even think about important things like applying to colleges. It was my junior year and I knew that important things like the SATs and other things like that were all planned to help carve out my future, but all I really cared about was Edward.

Even though Edward and I had known each other forever, one of the stipulations my parents had of the two of us being "allowed" to date (and I use the word _allowed_ very loosely because there was nothing on this planet that could have kept me from being with Edward, let's be serious) was that I didn't neglect anything else in my life. That meant I still worked the same hours at the library, I still played Varsity soccer, and of course I kept my grades up.

Once they saw that I could balance all of that plus my growing need to be with Edward, they ran out of things to worry about.

That was until they thought Edward and I were having sex.

Which we weren't.

How could we if we never had a chance to be _alone_ alone?

Edward's place was never an option. Legally, on paper, he had a place to live but most nights, when he wasn't upstairs in my room, he spent at The Rec with Carlisle's permission. He showered there, and slept there for the few hours after he snuck out of my room and before school started. His foster parents never looked for him, and now that we all had cell phones, it was easier for him to check in with them through the phone. They provided his basic needs but he knew how to survive on his own, and preferred it that way.

So, that left my house, and I truthfully believed that my parents had planned this out the minute that they adopted me. I really do think that they had planned far in advance to enact opposite working schedules which allowed one parent to be at the house at all times. There wasn't fifteen minutes where Edward and I were ever alone in my house.

I think they knew that given the opportunity, Edward and I would go for it in a heartbeat.

Even though Edward snuck into my room every night, did I want our first time together to be with my mother sleeping down the hall from us?

Really, _really_ not.

So we were just waiting for our chance.

Sometimes we were patient.

Other times, it just fucking sucked.

Especially tonight, when all I wanted to do was jump on him until he groaned my favorite sound in my ear.

I don't know if there were anything sexier than Edward Cullen with his eyes closed and a slow 'fuck' whispered from his lips in a groan under his breath.

I sighed and pulled him closer.

He eyed me knowingly, reading me without me having to tell him exactly what I was in the mood for.

I hoped that it would always be like this with us.

"I'll be over in an hour," he whispered against my lips before kissing me in front of everyone around us. They didn't even blink an eye anymore, even when his hands slid down my leg and disappeared beneath the blankets. "Wear those little shorts for me?"

I didn't get to answer him.

Felix and Carlisle burst out of the office, the door slamming against the wall behind them as they headed towards the back deck. Edward scooted me far away from him, each of thinking of the warnings that we had gotten from both of them about keeping it 'G Rated'.

"What's that about?" Rose nodded with her chin towards the conversation they were having outside. Alice, being the smallest and quietest on her feet, tiptoed over towards the sliding glass door and made an attempt at not being seen.

"I can't really hear what they're saying. Something about a water bill?" Alice looked at us strangely for a second before squinting her eyes, as if that could help her hear through the glass better.

"They've got time before they turn the water off." Edward said. I frowned. I hated that he knew that.

"I think that's what Carlisle is pissed about. He doesn't think they have any more time." Alice revealed. Their voices grew louder and Alice literally dove back over onto the couch as the sliding glass door opened and they appeared again. They ignored us and continued their conversation in Felix's office again, this time behind closed doors with hushed voices.

\- - - tr - - -

"Is NYU the only place you'd consider?"

Edward and I were in my bed, and he was asking me questions while I was barely coherent.

"Are you really asking me that after what you just did to me?" I struggled to catch my breath, my chest rising and falling from the hazards of that boy's magical abilities of his fingers and mouth and tongue. How Mom had slept through that I'll never know.

I had lost count as to how many times I had risen and fallen on account of Edward's tongue.

"Sorry. I'll give you a few minutes." He laughed and pulled me closer to him. My body felt heavy as lead and as loose as Jell-O simultaneously. I felt it everywhere from my head down to my toes. I laughed into his bare chest.

"It may take more than a few minutes."

It could take all the time in the world and I wouldn't mind if I we stayed like that together forever. The little shorts he loved so much were around my room somewhere and Edward handed them to me once he spotted them. I slid them back over my legs and nestled myself within his arms once again.

"Seriously, though." He whispered, playing with my hair against my pillow.

Shaking my head, I answered him honestly. "No. Obviously I would have to apply to more than one school."

He was silent for a few minutes as our breathing returned to normal.

"But your heart is set on NYU?"

I shrugged against his chest. "When the time comes I would have to weigh my options, but it's been a dream of mine since I was little. And if I got in, I don't know if I would be able to say no."

Edward kissed my forehead and I heard the defeat in his voice and it broke my heart. "I can't compete with NYU."

I shot up from his chest and looked at his face and into his eyes. I waved my index finger back and forth at him three times. "You've got it backwards. Nothing can compete with Edward Cullen."

He smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. "I can't get into NYU, Bella."

"Hey. Listen to me. Look at me." I tilted his chin so he had no choice but to look me in the eye. I saw the vulnerability that he always tried to hide. That fear that someone he loved would leave and forget about him like everyone else had. I pulled his mouth to mine and kissed him, our lips lazily dancing together. "No matter where I go, or you go, or we go, it won't change things. I'll still love you more than I did yesterday."

He shook his head in disbelief and turned his head away from me. "Even in New York? The city that never sleeps?"

I turned his face back to me.

"I promise. Nothing is going to be able to keep us from the life we want together."

Ove the past year, we had discussed the type of life that we had envisioned for each other and it seemed so perfect in our heads. Foolproof.

"I guess applying can't hurt," he conceded, and the excitement of the two of us going to college together was enough for me to crawl on top of him for another round.

\- - - tr - - -

 _Dear Diary,_

 _I feel different. I know it sounds ridiculous and cliché and over dramatic, but I see myself in the mirror and I can't recognize the person looking back at me. I think, no I know that I'm glowing as I write this. I can't keep the smile off of my face. This feeling creeps up from inside my stomach and threatens to take my breath away._

 _That opportunity that Edward and I had been waiting for finally knocked on our door. It wasn't planned. It wasn't how either of us thought it would be. But I wouldn't change a thing about it._

 _Not one thing._

 _It was late and Edward and I had drifted off watching a movie with Alice and Jasper. Now that those two are officially hooking up, they must have disappeared and left us at The Rec to sleep. When we woke up, The Rec was empty because of the storm that was rolling through the town. Carlisle had left knowing that Edward would be staying the night, and Felix had gone home long before._

 _We were alone. And even though neither of us thought it would happen at The Rec in the bedroom used upstairs when Edward crashed there, it was the most life changing and perfect experience of my life._

 _Edward and I finally had sex tonight for the first time in our lives._

 _And it was awkward, and bumpy, and painful, and amazing. At one point we both wanted to give up after many attempts of trying to get things started. But it wouldn't work._

 _Could it be possible that we were doing it wrong? Obviously we're no experts but is there actually a way to do it wrong?_

 _To be honest, I couldn't wait for it to be over, even though I loved every second of that whole three minutes (I'm joking! I'm joking! But really not). Anyway, does that even make any sense?_

 _It's hard to explain but I know I'll never forget the way the way we decided without even speaking that tonight was going to be the night. I'll never forget the way that he held my hand the whole time, worried about hurting me or pressuring me to do something I wasn't ready for._

 _I didn't see stars this first time, but I sure felt like I held the whole world in my arms when Edward rested his body against mine as he trembled above me. Maybe because it was my first time, but I know I'll always look back on it and love it all but not because of the sex itself. (Can we all be honest here and say that our first times are just not that great? Thank God Rose and Alice told me what to expect!) I'll always love the intimacy of the moments shared only between us. I get this feeling inside me that I can't describe whenever I think about his face in the moonlight as he drove me home, his left hand trying to conceal the smile that was plastered on his face. He couldn't stop it if he tried, so eventually he just stopped trying and the two of us grinned like idiots the whole way home._

 _My phone is sitting here next to me on my bed, buzzing as I write this, and it's text after text from Edward. Like me, he is too wired to go to sleep. His messages are filled with how much he loves me, and us, and how things will always be the same between us. High school, college, parents, ("cockblocks" as Emmett calls them) whatever it may be, can never come between us._

 _I know Edward and I will make this work._

\- - - tr - - -

 **Next chapter is the last of Part 1. Then onto Part 2! Thanks for all the reviews and recs. Love them all!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hello hello!**

 **Here we are.**

 **Most of you know where this is going.**

 **I would go back and read Chapter 1 again for a refresher.**

 **Enjoy!**

\- - - tr - - -

"It's a good thing we're going to Church in an hour," Edward breathed into my ear, warm and shallow. It was hard to answer him when his fingers danced over my body, his other fingers rubbing circles where we were connected. "God isn't very happy with me right now."

"Shut up," I whispered into the dark backseat of my car, my lips leaning down to capture his in a kiss. We parted soon after, our heavy breathing steaming up the windows of the car and making it difficult to catch our breath.

It was Christmas Eve and we had some time before we met my parents for Midnight Mass downtown. We were parked on an abandoned road near The Rec, and it was nothing but us, the snow on the ground, and the winter chill in the air. The car was off, as we had finished all of our holiday shopping and wrapping and we had a little time for ourselves before Christmas at the Swans was set to begin. It was our third Christmas together, and if it was even possible, I loved Christmas even more now that Edward spent it with us at my house. Every Christmas, my parents let him sleep at our house on the couch in the living room, and we all spent Christmas Day together in our pajamas, unwrapping presents and stuffing our faces with a giant breakfast my mom and dad cooked ever year.

And every year, it started with Midnight Mass. It wasn't our intent to go at it right before Church, but sometimes that boy made all my good intentions fly out the window. It was cold in the car at first but it wasn't long before the heat rolled off of our bodies in waves, the sound of Edward ripping my stockings in the right places breaking through the tranquility and peace in the mountains around us.

His hands holding my hips firmly in place above him, Edward's lips trailed down to their favorite spot on my collar bone. "You drive me crazy, you know that?" His husky words were strained as they fought against the tidal wave between us.

I did know that, and I held onto that kind of crazy the whole time I fell from the ledge he placed me on, him falling not far after me.

"Do we have time to stop at my house? I definitely can't wear these to church," I said and pointed to my stockings once our breathing had returned to normal and I had curled onto his side in the backseat. Edward laughed and threw his hands up in the air.

"What did you expect? You wore a skirt and those black boots."

I giggled as I moved my body in all sorts of uncomfortable ways to slide said black boots back onto my legs, zipping them up once they were firmly in place. I hopped my way back into the front seat, Edward begrudgingly following my lead. Once he was in the driver's seat, he shook his head with a small laugh.

"How am I supposed to drive after that?" He said, pointing with his thumb towards where we just were a few minutes before. "I can't feel my legs yet."

I reached over and squeezed his hand with my own, his fingers knotting with mine before pulling them up to his mouth for a kiss.

"Like I said, you didn't have to rip my stockings. Otherwise we could have stayed here until we had to leave."

"Like I said, I couldn't help myself."

We rode back to my house without talking, both of us relaxed and comfortable as Christmas music played softly from my car radio. All the houses on my street were adorned with sparkling lights and other holiday favorites, and one of the reasons I loved this time of year was the way it made the world sparkle and shine, and I really don't think I had seen anything more beautiful than the green of Edward's eyes beneath the holiday lights that seemed to follow us everywhere we went.

I told him I would be quick as he pulled into the empty driveway, my parents already on their way to mass so they could ensure us all a seat so we didn't have to stand in the back of the church. I placed my key quickly into the door, turning it and sprinting up the stairs for a new pair of stockings. My eyes caught on all four of our stockings hanging by the fireplace; the sight of Edward's stocking causing my heart to warm enough to melt the piles of snow outside.

It was the first stocking he ever had, he had told us his first Christmas with us three years before, and it made our fireplace and mantle look complete as it hung next to my own. It filled me with a sense of fulfillment I didn't even know I was lacking.

The car horn beeped into my silent moment, and I shook my head at myself and disappeared upstairs into my room, slipping on a new pair of stockings and discarding the old ones.

"What took you so long?" Edward said, the heat in the car blasting and blowing my hair once I sat down next to him and put my seatbelt on. "You said you'd be quick."

I thought of his stocking as I looked over at him, pulling him towards me in a kiss that told him everything he needed to know without my having to say the words.

He smiled knowingly at me, those eyes of his sparkling against the white Christmas lights over the garage.

"I love you, too."

We drove to church feeling invincible and elated.

\- - - tr - - -

"When do you go back to work, Edward?" My mom asked as she settled herself on the couch after mass. It was almost two in the morning and the long day was starting to have an effect on us all. "Bella's grandma is coming in for a few days and she wants to be sure she sees you sometime before she leaves."

"Not until Friday," Edward replied, sitting on the couch opposite of my Mom. Felix had officially put Edward on payroll a few months ago, letting Edward help clean around The Rec. He couldn't offer him much in terms of pay, but it was better than nothing and it was the only place where Edward really wanted to work. With Edward being employed at The Rec, it made him feel less guilty about sleeping in the room upstairs there.

My mom answered him back with a smile.

"Oh, even better. That will give us a few days to all be together."

I sat in front of the fireplace in front of Edward, leaning back against his legs, my head resting on his knee as I felt the exhaustion seep into my bones. We listened as Mom tacked on her fingers all the family plans she had in store for us, and I wasn't sure if I was going to make it out alive by the time winter break was finished and we headed back for the final term of senior year.

As much as it tired me out, listening to Mom go on and on had the exact opposite effect on Edward. He loved every second of it and he didn't even attempt to hide the evidence on his face. He looked like a little kid on, well, Christmas.

"By Friday, you'll be more than ready to go back to work," Dad said as he entered the room, patting Edward's back as he passed and sat down next to Mom on the couch.

Edward laughed and shook his head, continuing. "I guess that's the good part about working at The Rec. It really doesn't feel like I'm working with all of us there all the time."

Even though we were seniors and we all had a lot on our plates, Alice, Jasper and I always made time for The Rec. Emmett and Rose were off at college, but even those two managed to squeeze in Rec time. And Edward was lucky enough to do just that but also get paid for it.

My dad agreed, "Yeah, you really hit the jackpot there. Felix seems like a pretty good boss."

"Yeah, I can't complain, really."

It was silent for a few moments, each of us lost in our own thoughts as the morning approached. Edward never complained about working at The Rec, even though the tension between Felix and Carlisle had grown to an uncomfortable level that had placed Edward in the middle. They made sure to keep Edward out of all the administrative areas of The Rec, leaving him in charge of the custodial duties, but Edward knew that whatever it was the two of them had been disagreeing on wasn't going to change anytime soon.

As much as we all hated hearing things like this, Edward told us anyway. Maybe it had been going on since the beginning but only now were we aware now that we had grown older.

"Are you ready for your presents, you two?"

It was a tradition in our house to open one present on Christmas Eve, and Edward and I looked at each other in excitement, and momentarily we all forgot how tired we were. We all answered my mom happily.

"Yes!"

She reached behind the couch and handed each of us a present, and Edward and I handed one gift each to my parents.

The gifts weren't much, just a small showing of how grateful we all were for each other. The relationship between my parents and Edward over the last three years ran almost as deep as mine and Edward's.

Almost.

"Okay, you know the rule. Only one." My dad looked at us with his police chief face on and broke character a second later with a laugh that crinkled both his mustache and his eyes.

I looked over at Edward behind me.

"You first."

He took a deep breath and started opening the present, the wrapping paper quickly becoming a part of our fireplace as he opened the box. It wasn't much, just a new pair of snow gloves he wanted so he could shovel the driveway at The Rec, but he looked at them as if they held the answer to life's questions.

After a round of hugs and thanks to all of us, he turned to me and motioned towards the package that sat wrapped in my lap. "Okay, Bella. Your turn."

Everyone nodded in excitement as I looked at them all before sliding my finger beneath the paper. It was light, and I opened the box slowly and questioningly.

Beneath the lid and the layer of tissue paper sat a sealed letter with my name on it. I recognized the emblem in the corner of the envelope and my heart quickened.

"Oh, God. I don't think I can open it. You do it." I said, thrusting it towards Edward. He looked at it, recognition dawning on his face once he saw the New York address sprawled on the envelope.

"No way. This is all yours," he said, his voice wavering in excitement. I looked at all of their faces, trying not to let my uneasiness make me throw up my dinner all over the floor. With a deep breath, I put my index finger beneath the seal and tore open the deciding fate of my future.

 _Ms. Isabella Swan, we are pleased to –_

"I got in. I can't believe it. I got in!" I jumped up and was on my feet before I knew it, showing the letter to my parents and Edward so fast that I don't think any one of them had a chance to actually look at it in my excitement.

"Of course you would, sweetie." My mom reached over to hug me, enveloping me into her arms while the reflection of the fireplace danced off of her tears.

"We're so proud of you, Bells." I heard the emotion in my dad's voice as he placed a hand on my shoulder. I hugged him tight once Mom let me go, and after a long squeeze, he let me go and I turned towards Edward who couldn't keep the smile off his face, either.

"I never doubted it for a second," he whispered, and I melted into him. He held me close, neither of us talking.

"If mine is here than so is yours!"

"Maybe. I'll check when I get home."

"It's going to be amazing."

That night, instead of sugar plums dancing through our heads, visions of Edward and NYU lulled me into a restless sleep.

\- - - tr - - -

"Rose just texted me and said Felix isn't there and they need a key to open The Rec."

Edward and I were in my room, napping from another excursion with my family. I'm pretty sure I could hear my Dad's snores coming from the recliner in the living room. Edward stretched and reached for his phone on my nightstand. He rubbed his eyes and sat up.

"Felix isn't there? It's noon."

I shrugged, rolling over onto my stomach and taking the blankets with me. "Maybe he got caught up with his family for the holidays."

"I doubt it. His wife's been giving him a hard time lately." He shook his head and stood up.

"What for?" Edward's revelation had me sitting up, my blankets falling next to me.

"I don't know for sure. I think that's why he's been so distracted."

"Yeah, maybe. Are you going now to open up?"

Edward shook his head, "I'm not allowed to supervise anyone. I'll go over and put a sign on the door that we're closed."

The Rec being closed during normal operating hours was unheard of.

"Where's Carlisle?"

"Seattle with Esme's family. He'll be back Saturday."

"I'll go with you then."

"You sure? You don't have to."

"Of course I want to."

We took my car to The Rec, going slowly over the ice from the snow that had frozen overnight. We got there a little while later, Rose and Alice outside waiting on the steps along with some other kids that had recently discovered the joy of The Rec.

"What do we do now?" Alice whined.

Rose answered without looking up from her phone. "We can go to the mall. I have some gift cards to blow from Christmas."

The most important thing I knew about The Rec was that even though it was the catalyst for all of the favorite relationships in my life, I also knew that it was a backdrop and that it didn't matter where we hung out, the only thing that mattered was that we were all together.

Emmett and Jasper met up with us at the mall, and we all had a great time even though Rose and Emmett still hadn't gotten back together. It was hard for any of us to harbor any hostilities towards one another since we had all grown up together and had celebrated all of life's rites of passage. We all rode the same rollercoaster, some of us on a high or a low depending on our spot on the ride.

For the rest of the day, we forgot about Felix and the dark cloud that hung over The Rec. We ignored the obvious stares that Emmett and Rose threw at each other when they thought the other one wasn't looking. We ate too much at the food court and spent way more than what our gift cards had to offer. We threw all of our things into the trunk of the car and just drove, not knowing where the night or the future would take us.

For the moment, we didn't care.

Not for long.

\- - - tr - - -

"How is this possible? How could you not hear from them yet?"

We were driving home from school in Carlisle's old car that he let Edward use, and I had brought up the subject of the dorms at NYU as we drove towards The Rec. I looked at him in shock, not understanding why he still hadn't gotten his acceptance letter. There was no way that he wasn't going to get in; he had great grades and we had written an amazing essay to go along with it. The thought of being on the east coast with Edward made me excited for the fall to start.

"I don't know, Bella." Edward rolled his eyes and turned right. "Maybe they looked at my grades and laughed and threw my application away."

"Shut up. It's not funny."

It wasn't funny at all, especially because he had better grades than I did and barely studied, the little jerk.

"Why are you so worried about this? It'll turn up." I could tell he was eager to change the subject but I wasn't backing down.

"It's March. You should have heard something by now. Here," I replied, taking out my phone, "call them."

He tossed my phone back to me, his eyes never leaving the road as we drove.

"I'm not calling them."

"You have to!"

"No, I don't."

"Edward, yes you do!" The frustration in my voice was at an all-time high and I tried to rein it in since fighting with him was one of my least favorite things to do.

I saw his jaw clench in anger, his nose flaring as he exhaled. He was gearing himself up for battle.

"I never applied to NYU. Are you happy now?"

"What? What do you mean?" I was shouting now, my heart beating and the panic creeping itself closer and closer into the forefront of my being.

This changed everything. Absolutely everything. Everything we had planned over the last few months had all been for nothing, and he knew the whole time that he had never even applied.

I didn't know what pissed me off more: him for lying to me about applying or him for selling himself short.

"What else could I mean? It means I told you I sent my application but never did."

I was stunned and the expression on my face showed it. "I don't even know what to say to you right now."

I was seething right now. Seeing red.

"There's nothing to say. I knew they would turn me down so I spared myself the torment of doing something for no reason. So I applied to nowhere."

 _Nowhere!?_ I couldn't even wrap my head around it.

If he didn't apply to anywhere, that meant that I was going to New York in a few months and he was staying here.

As mad as I was at him, at the way he lied to me and thought so badly of himself, my heart almost stopped at the thought of us being separated for as long and as far away as New York was.

"No reason!? I can't believe we're having this conversation right now. You denied yourself the opportunity!"

"You're the one with the opportunities, Bella. Not me."

Sometimes, he was his own worst enemy, and I was usually his voice of reason when it came to him feeling sorry for himself. On the surface he always seemed content with the hand that life had dealt him but all those feelings of being unworthy or abandoned always exploded and manifested itself into different aspects of his life.

This time his feelings of inadequacy came out in the form of college applications.

I tugged my hair at the scalp and looked at him in disbelief.

"I don't understand you, Edward. You couldn't wait for the chance to leave Forks for anywhere else, and now you're staying!"

"Bella, look at me. Let's be realistic, okay? I have no permanent residence. I don't even know how to apply for financial aid –"

"That's bullshit, Edward, and you know it. Do you know all of the guidance counselors at school are there to help with these kinds of things? I could have helped you, or my parents could have -"

"I'm tired of being everyone's pity case."

"How could you think that about yourself?"

He didn't answer me. He didn't have to.

We sat in the driveway at The Rec, ignoring everyone as they hung around outside, enjoying the cool air of early spring. Carlisle and Felix had put out the picnic tables again and most of us preferred to spend our time there these days.

"Bella, college just doesn't seem right for me, and – "

"You can't say that. You've never even tried it yet!"

"I just know it, okay. I know it." He sounded final in his decision, and I knew there was no changing his mind. "I know it just like I know that New York is just a place. It's not bigger than us, Bella. Nothing is."

"You're sure?"

I sniffled, my anger dissolving into tears at the thought of being separated from him. The longest we had ever been apart was the summer before we got together when Edward found himself caught in a revolving door of foster homes and group homes, and I still hated to think about it.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I'll love you wherever you are, silly girl."

He moved to lift my chin up so I was looking right at him, losing myself in the green steel of his eyes through the tears in mine. He brought his lips to me in a kiss so reassuring that he made me believe him, made me believe it all. It was soft and gentle, easing my fears into nothing as his lips and tongue slow danced with my own.

Edward was right.

New York was just a place. It was distance, almost as far as two people could be in the continental US, but it was us we were talking about.

We were stronger than any of it. All of it.

And up until a week before I was supposed to leave, I still believed it, and I thought he did, too. Except all of a sudden he didn't.

And he told me that there was no way that it was going to work with me being there and him staying here.

Even though he was the one to convince me in March that we would be fine.

Now he was avoiding me and with one week before I was supposed to leave, all I wanted to do was be with him. I wanted to spend every last minute I had with him, more so than my parents, and my heart broke with each passing minute.

I was upstairs on my bed, lying face down with my head in my pillows, when Mom came upstairs and knocked softly on my door.

"Whatcha up to?" She asked, flopping down like a little kid next to me on my bed.

I side-eyed her strangely.

"Nothing," I moped, turning my head in the opposite direction. I wasn't up for her enthusiasm as my life was quickly going down the toilet.

She knew something was up but as always, she waited until I was ready to broach the subject. She sat up, patting my leg as she walked towards the door.

"Let's get out of the house for a bit. Come with me to the grocery store."

\- - - tr - - -

 _Dear Diary,_

 _It's funny how you dream of things when you're a kid. You paint this picture in your head and it's almost impossible for reality to be better than the dream you've dreamt up over the years._

 _I can tell you this much: I never thought I'd be on a plane to NYU feeling the way I do right now._

 _In my dreams, I smile as bright as the sun blaring at me through the plane window._

 _In my dreams, I fidget in my seat for the whole flight, and I see my dad in my dream joke about how annoyingly excited I am for it to finally be happening._

 _My mom is busy fussing with orientation schedules and approved appliances for dorms. Well, in my dreams, she is._

 _Reality could not be further than that dream I had, that dream I had held onto, since I was a kid._

 _No matter how hard I try, I cannot find an ounce of happiness about my upcoming adventures in New York. I could not care less about the new blanket Mom got me or the mace Dad is rattling on to me about._

 _Instead I swallow down another dose of nausea as the mileage between Edward and I grows larger, each speeding mile taking me further and further away from him and our dreams that I thought were obtainable even through four years of college across the country._

 _More tears threaten to fall, even though I think that it is not possible for a person to cry as much as I have in the days since Edward and I broke up. Just as I think that I have no tears left to cry, my brain reminds me where I am, on a plane without him, and my heart shatters again, and the tears pour down again. Mom hands me another tissue, and I take it without looking at her, pulling my knees up to my chest to hide just how broken I am._

 _I don't see how I can recover from this._

 _I've loved him since I was ten, and even though I lived nine years before that without knowing him, I don't know how to live a life without him now._

 _I don't know how to function in a world where he is not a part of my life._

 _More importantly, I don't want to._

 _I don't want to meet new people._

 _I don't want to experience college life without being able to tell him about it._

 _It kills me that I won't know what he's doing back home. I don't know where he will live now that The Rec is closed for good. I don't know where he will work._

 _I feel the plane start its descent back to land, into my new reality._

 _And there's another thing I don't know._

 _I don't know how to fix any of it._

\- - - tr - - -

 **End of Part 1.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello! Sorry for the delay. You can read more in my AN at the end of the chapter. Heads up: I promise you: HEA. NO CHEATING.**

 **Also, just like Part 1, we'll be starting Part 2 in the present and then backtracking to lead up to the event that starts the chapter. I'm sorry it's been so long since I updated (I know, real life can really suck sometimes).**

 **On with the show.**

 **Part 2**

 **Ten Years Later**

"This is not how I pictured this day going," Edward says as he slowly pulls into my driveway and brings his car to a stop.

I am frozen, unable to answer him as the shock at what my eyes are seeing has taken over all functions of my body.

"What is he doing here?" I hear myself whisper after what seems like an eternity of silence. My voice is weak with uncertainty and guilt, and I shake my head in horror and disbelief as my biggest nightmare readies itself to take center stage on my parent's front lawn. I drop my eyes to my lap, squeezing them tightly in hopes that everything and everyone, namely the man on the porch steps, would disappear.

"Edward, I am so sorry. I had no idea -"

"You don't have to apologize, Bella." His voice is as low as I feel, so different than how it sounded moments before we turned onto my street and into my driveway.

"Yes. I do." I can't look up at him. I know the tears will start the minute I do. I keep my eyes closed but the tears come anyway. Two big drops slide out of my eyes and down my cheek before I can stop them. I wipe them away quickly. I whisper, "I don't know what to do."

"I think he does." I can hear the disdain seeping out of his words, and I look up and see him staring at Tyler. He is still sitting on the steps but Edward is right. The look on Tyler's face says it all. Without words, Edward and I both know why Tyler has left New York and is sitting on my parent's porch in Forks.

"I have to talk to him." I try to gather the courage for the shit show that is about to happen. I have no idea what I plan on saying, and I already know that whatever words I do manage to say will not help the current situation at hand.

I'm staring out the window imagining the different scenarios in my head when Edward breaks the silence in the car.

"Do you love him?" Gone is the whispered gentleness of his words from last night and this morning, and it is replaced with blunt and gruff tones that break my heart into pieces all over again. His childhood shield is back in place and I hate it. All of it. The shield, the wedding, the ex-fiancé that decides now is a great time to show up unannounced.

"It's complicated." I tuck my hair behind my ear and keep my eyes focused on my lap, knowing that my words aren't going to be good enough for Edward right now.

"It's only as complicated as you let it be."

"It's not that simple."

He runs his hands through his hair in frustration and then his hands land on the steering wheel roughly, causing me to jump at the sound as it slices through the air. "Not that simple? Since when have you let anything in your life become complicated, huh?"

This is the first time since we arrived at my house that he has looked at me, and I wish to God that he didn't. Whatever resolve I'm clinging to is reduced to shambles when I look in his eyes and see the years we were together as kids, the years we spent apart as adults, and the night we spent together last night. They all blur together on a relentless continuum in my mind.

He wants to talk complications? Now I'm angry.

I want to shove him and tell him that the only complication that I've ever had in my life was him.

I want to tell him that he is the only part of my life that is messy and chaotic and out of control.

I want him to know how much he drives me crazy.

I want to tell him how he is the one thing that has been missing from my life for the past ten years.

I want to - no – I need to tell him that this situation with Tyler has been complicated since the day we started dating two years ago, to when he proposed to me last month, to when I panicked and left him a week later, my finger still tingling from the ring that sat upon it for six days too long.

I want to tell Edward that all my relationships have been complicated since we broke up when we were stupid teenagers, and not because they weren't great guys or because they didn't treat me well.

They were complicated because they weren't him.

My heart knew that, and held onto it for ten long years, while I was hoping against hope that maybe I would wake up one morning and not wonder where he was or who he was with or if he had finally found where he belonged.

But I look at him now in the car, and I don't tell him any of it. I can't yet. Edward being back in my life is still too new. Too raw. Too overwhelming, but I guess I should expect it by now.

Anything involving Edward in my life is all-consuming. I don't know how to be around Edward and not feel everything, all the emotion the world has to offer, without it blinding me and leaving me powerless to stop it or even control it.

I just fall. Head first. Every time.

It is déjà vu. The night The Rec closed and he sent me off to college with a hole in my chest where my broken heart should have been.

"You don't get to pick and choose when you want me around. You were the one who gave up on us."

I can't hold back the anger that has remained dormant since I was seventeen. I point a finger towards Tyler who is staring at Edward and me in the car, waiting for one of us to make a move. "Do you know why he's here? He's here because he's not giving up."

Edward shakes his head hard. "I never gave up on you. I gave up on me holding you back from a better life."

"A better life?" I ask him incredulously.

"I had nothing back then, Bella. Absolutely nothing besides the clothes on my back. You had scholarships left and right, a family that supported you, a house to come home to. I had nothing to offer you. I thought by stepping back and letting you do all the things you were meant to do that you would eventually realize that us not being together was better for you."

I shake my head and hold my hands up in surrender, begging him to stop. It takes me a minute to get my thoughts together as every emotion filters throughout my body. "I would have chosen you, Edward. You know I would have."

"And that was the problem. We were seventeen years old. Kids. I couldn't let you choose me over all of the other amazing things you had worked so hard for. You would grow up to resent me."

We say nothing for a few minutes. We say nothing because there is too much to say. When I see Tyler stand up from his spot on the porch and begin to make his way over towards us, I look at Edward for the last time.

"You're right. We were kids then. And you gave me exactly what you wanted me to have. You gave me a chance to grow up."

Without another word, I open the car door and slam it behind me, not caring for anything else Edward has to say.

One look at Tyler and I know that whatever fight I have left in me is gone.

And it's not fair to him.

I've been completely awful to him and he doesn't even know why, although judging by the look on his face, he has a pretty good idea as to why I never could have married him.

"Tyler, please just –"

I don't get to finish my sentence before the car door behind me slams. I turn towards the sound and Edward is standing in front of the car, clearly uncomfortable as his eyes never leave the ground and his hands are jammed into the front pockets of his jeans.

"The last time I let you leave my car I ended up losing you for ten years. I'm not letting you go again, Bella."

If he had said those words ten years ago after I walked out of his car the first time, none of this would have happened.

I wouldn't have broken Tyler's heart.

I wouldn't have lost all that money to a therapist.

My brain is too defensive and my body is too exhausted to think of the past ten years.

What I can do is rewind my life to fourteen weeks prior to today, from this exact moment between Edward, Tyler, and most likely my father peering through the living room curtains.

Back to fourteen weeks earlier when my life looked nothing like it currently does.

\- - - tr - - -

 **Fourteen Weeks Earlier**

It was just a piece of paper.

It was hanging by a magnet on the refrigerator in my kitchen.

I walked by it every morning as I got ready for work and every night while I made dinner.

It was partially covered by other pieces of paper, unimportant things but it did not need to be fully visible for me to remember what it looked like and what it said. It was simple and elegant and beautifully designed, yet it caused the hair on the back of my neck to rise and my heart to squeeze tightly in my chest.

I liked to think that I maintained a firm grip on all things in my life that I could control. I was the Queen of my comfort zone and nothing was more, well, _comforting_ than that. I preferred things that way; control was what kept my sanity within my grasps and the smile on my face.

It was only when I looked at a calendar or when I walked by that little piece of paper did I begin to feel my sense of control start to slip and before I knew it, I was feeling a knot in my stomach that could only be healed by wine and the company of friends.

It bothered me that it was only temporary.

As the days ticked by and the red circle on my calendar loomed closer, I knew that no amount of wine or companionship could make it disappear like I would have liked it to. Instead, I had to convince myself that it was just one slip of paper, one tiny speck in the big picture of the life I had paved for myself.

I tried to remember that and repeated it to myself over and over as I hopped off the train and entered the bustle of the Monday morning mayhem of New York City. It was November, and in typical November fashion, the air was growing cooler and the days grew darker earlier. Even though Thanksgiving was only a week away, the cheer of the holiday season was seeping its' way into the stores, the people, and the atmosphere everywhere. It was almost impossible not to be swept away in the joy of the season, and the smile on my face was genuine when I walked through the glass doors of my office building to see that our Christmas tree had made its first appearance of the year.

I stopped in front of it and snapped a quick picture to send to my mom before heading over to the crowd forming near the elevators. I worked on the twenty seventh floor in a nice sized cubicle surrounded by a great group of colleagues that I had the pleasure of working with for the past six years for one of Manhattan's finest luxury hotels. The luxury, however, stopped long before my floor filled with accountants like myself, and instead, I lost myself in the monotony and familiarity of numbers. Numbers were infinite and the equations I dealt with everyday had solutions, which in turn satisfied my daily need for absolute truth.

When the elevator door opened, I exited and barely made it past the coffee station before Tia, my next door cube-mate, pulled me by the sleeve of my jacket.

"Have you heard?" She whispered, taking a look around before catching my eye. I shook my head and entered my cube, leaning down to turn my computer on.

"Heard what?"

I don't know if she heard me over her own anxiety as I unraveled my scarf from around my neck. My mom made it for me a few weeks ago and I was still surprised that I actually enjoyed wearing a creation of Mom's latest hobby: knitting.

"You didn't get a letter?" Her short black hair bobbed back and forth from one side of her head to the other as she glanced over her shoulders to see if anyone was listening.

"In my mailbox?" I pointed in the general direction of where our mail was delivered, and her head and her hair shook back and forth again in disagreement.

"No, your home address. We all got one." She lowered her voice at her last words and I stopped to think for a moment before shaking my head and shrugging my shoulders.

"Maybe I did, I don't know. I haven't been home all weekend to check my mail, actually."

She remembered. "That's right. Boston. I forgot." Tia reached into her pocket and pulled out a folded white piece of paper and handed it to me. "Look."

I eyed her suspiciously, wondering what the letter said and who it could be from. Judging by the hidden glances and the whispered hushes I heard in all of the four minutes that I had been in the office, it was safe to assume that whatever job security I thought I had was now slim.

I was right.

Tia wasn't being laid off. Yet.

The note stated she has a meeting in four days, on Friday, to discuss her eligibility of retaining her job or being let go to pursue other career opportunities. If I were to go off the looks on Peter, Charlotte, and James' faces, I would think that they had received letters similar to Tia.

"I guess the rumors were true after all." A different knot formed deep in my stomach, and the deep breaths I took did nothing to make me feel better about the situation.

"What are we gonna do?"

I took a moment to think of the pile of mail on the server in my kitchen. We had gotten in from Boston too late last night for me to even think, let alone open three days' worth of mail. Instead I had just left it there to sort out that night after work, but now I had no desire to confront it. I didn't need the actual proof to know that I, too, had received the same letter as almost everyone on this floor. I peered over the side of my cubicle to see more somber faces, and I knew I was not one of the lucky ones.

We had heard it for years; the same rumor dressed in different clothes. We had seen people come and go. We had witnessed promotions and demotions and restructuring. This was the first time we had seen a letter.

I almost wanted to call home and have Tyler check the pile for me, but I stopped myself before I reached for my phone. News like this was not something I wanted to confirm over the phone. I wanted the proof in my hand.

"First, we're not going to panic. That's for sure." I said in an attempt to calm both of us down.

Liar.

On the inside, I was a mess. My heart was beating fast and my head was foggy.

One of the reasons why I declared accounting and finance as my major areas of study in my second semester at NYU was because of the reliability, the predictability that numbers held. There were no second opinions, no ulterior motives.

Numbers don't lie.

Numbers don't lie, but they can still betray you.

That was exactly what I felt as I held my own letter in my hands later that night.

In four days, at 2:10 in the afternoon, I was to head to the executive suites on a floor way above mine to determine my fate. To determine if the blood, sweat, and tears that I had put into my job even mattered anymore, or if they ever mattered at all. I would find out if Isabella Swan was ever a person to them, or a number.

I already knew the answer.

I texted Tia to tell her that I would be joining her in the unemployment line as of Friday.

I put off telling my parents for now. I definitely didn't have the strength for that tonight. Convincing my mom not to get on the latest flight to New York required way more fight than I had in me at the moment.

I just wanted to curl up inside myself and be alone, and that was exactly what I planned on doing until I absolutely had to move.

When I graduated college at twenty one years old, I originally applied for the job because of the perks of working for a hotel. Discounts _galore_. And working in Manhattan? It was a dream come true for a small town girl turning into a city woman. Everything was so different than back home, and I fell in love with it instantly. There were so many people around that I was able to blend into the tapestry without a blip. I was able to grow up, to make mistakes, to succeed, and to thrive with an audience so large that it was so easy to go unnoticed.

It was one of the many things I loved about the city.

I didn't expect to fall in love with my job but I did, and I did fast. I guess that's how I always do things, though. I don't know how to enjoy something without immersing myself within it. I should have seen it coming, though. I should have known that there was safety in numbers, but not necessarily the job.

I could be an accountant anywhere; the logical side in me warred with the other illogical side. I wasn't bothered really at the fact that I would be unemployed; I was mostly upset that it was another thing I loved saying goodbye.

I never was good with goodbyes.

I was on the last glass of a bottle of wine when I heard the sound of the keys in the door to the apartment, and I didn't bother to move from my place on the couch. After taking three bites of my lunch, skipping dinner, and downing a whole bottle of wine, I also thought it would be safer on both my physical body and my pride if I stayed on the couch for those reasons, too.

"Bella?" I heard Tyler's voice call from the doorway, knowing he was expecting to hear the television or music blaring from the speakers in the kitchen while I cooked.

The only sound greeting him in return was silence and the clink of my wine glass as I tried to place it back onto the coffee table gracefully. I overestimated myself.

"You in the living room?"

I grunted a response and nestled myself deeper within the large couch pillow.

"What are you doing in here?"

I groaned and reached into my pocket, fumbling as I tried to hand him the folded white piece of paper the same way that Tia had handed it to me hours earlier at work.

"What's this?" Tyler asked before his eyebrows shot up as he read the words on the paper.

"Judgment day. Four days."

He stared at me for a moment before taking a deep breath and handing it back to me. I tried to fold it nicely and place it back but it sounded like I crumpled it into a ball and stuffed it back into my pocket.

There was a high probability that it was ruined.

"I'm sorry, babe. What can I do?"

Tyler was always like that. Always putting me first and finding ways to keep me happy and content. I was happy, for the most part, and I was always content in my world of black and white.

"Can you find me a job?" I asked, my voice muffled by the pillow I buried myself under. I hated asking this of him but Tyler was a lawyer and could find me a job tomorrow afternoon based off of his connections to practically everyone in New York City.

Like I said, I wasn't nervous about not finding a job.

"Absolutely. I'll start asking around tomorrow." His hands lifted the pillow up from my face and he stared at me for a moment before leaning down to kiss my forehead.

"Thanks." I reached my arms up and looped them around his waist, finding comfort in his embrace despite the way my drunken-self had linked us together.

"You want to get out of the house for a bit? The tree is up. Bigger than last year, I hear." He said a few minutes later. He maneuvered himself next to me and sat me in a more comfortable position. I shook my head against his chest and sighed in defeat. Normally the lighting of the tree at Rockefeller Plaza would bring out all of my holiday cheer but tonight, I just couldn't muster it up.

"Hold me instead?"

"Sure thing."

\- - - tr - - -

"And when do you find out if you're laid off or not?" Rose's voice trickled through the phone and into my ear late Thursday night as I devoured a carton of ice cream. Since tomorrow was D-Day, sleep was non-existent. Rose, Alice, and I were on the phone together, our weekly ritual that we had not broken since the day I moved to New York as a freshman at NYU. It was a tradition that all three of us loved and had never missed.

I sighed deeply into the phone and spooned another pile of ice cream onto my spoon.

"Tomorrow afternoon. Around two."

"Shit. That sucks, Bella. I'm sorry." Alice chimed in, and I could almost see the look on her face despite the miles between us on our opposite coasts.

"Are you looking for jobs yet or are you going to wait to hear what they say?" Rose asked.

"A little of both, I guess. I'm keeping my eyes open and Tyler mentioned to a few of his friends that I'm available if they're looking for an accountant. I just don't want to get ahead of myself before I meet with them tomorrow."

Always the optimist, Alice said hopefully, "You never know. Maybe they'll keep you."

Talk at the office over the last few days had only gotten worse. We were all anxious, no one knew the truth, and we were all fearful of the outcome. I shook my head and cradled the phone between my ear and shoulder. "I doubt it. There's been talk of layoffs for a while now and I think the time has come."

"And right before the holidays, too."

"Please, Alice, you know Bella already started her shopping months ago. I bet all your shopping is done, isn't it, Bella?"

I chucked because after over twenty years of friendship, I could not deny that they knew me better than anyone. "Not all of it, but yeah, most of it."

"I'm jealous. I've been so busy I haven't even thought about Christmas shopping." Alice said, and immediately I could tell which direction our conversation was heading. I thought of that little piece of paper on my refrigerator and suddenly my ice cream was making me nauseous. I went into the kitchen to put it back into the freezer before it all came back up again.

"You have a pretty solid excuse though, Alice. How is everything coming along?" Rose asked.

"Good! We've narrowed it down to the final two invitations to choose from."

" 'We'? Or you?"

"We! I told you Jasper is even more into this stuff than I am!"

"I can't picture it," Rose continued. I let Rose and Alice carry on the conversation, not trusting myself to keep the dread in my voice oblivious to my two favorite people in the whole world.

"Well you'll be able to picture it in a couple of weeks when it's hanging on your fridge!"

"Oh so now I can take down your Save the Date?"

Tyler had hung the letter about my impending layoff on the refrigerator but I knew that other piece of paper was still behind it. Mocking me. I stared at the letter and within a moment I could make out the date that shown through off of the other little piece of paper.

That was my cue to bail. After mentioning how late it was over on my end of the country, I told them I would call them the next day with news of my impending lay off. "You girls are crazy. I gotta go. Miss you."

I hung up the phone before they could say anything else, and I thought about the invitation that would soon hang next to the Save the Date on my refrigerator.

Don't get me wrong.

I was completely over the moon about Alice and Jasper getting married. I was honored to be given the privilege to stand next to my best friend and watch as she married her high school sweetheart. The man of her dreams.

It wasn't the wedding that kept me up at night.

It was the Best Man.

I looked at the calendar on my phone and in seventy nine days, I would be on the alter trying not to faint at the sight of Edward Cullen.

\- - - tr - - -

 **I am so so sorry for the delay. My husband came home on a Friday in the first week of October and said that he was laid off. Real life has been so difficult that I could barely think, let alone get a chapter out to you all. So, I apologize. Forgive me. I'm hoping to get back to regular updates again now that things are starting to look up again.**

 **Also, all my stories are HEA. No cheating will be involved. Just stick with me for the fourteen weeks leading up to the wedding and confrontation between Bella, Edward, and Tyler.**

 **One more thing: If you're feeling in the holiday spirit, check out Christmas Magic, a Christmas story I wrote and completed this time last year.**

 **Thank you all for sticking by!**


	11. Chapter 11

_Your years here at the company are greatly appreciated._

Yet I still stood on a busy street in Manhattan, frozen in place, and in four weeks' time I would be unemployed. Let go despite being _greatly appreciated_.

Coupled with the remnants of my dismissal from the only place of employment that I had loved, the cold sting from the November air went unnoticed against my skin as I stood outside the revolving door of my office building. Tightening my jacket and scarf, I took a few steps towards an empty cab, but the driver pulled off in a hurry and I made no attempt to stop it from leaving me deserted in my misery.

I walked instead.

I didn't have a destination in mind; I walked until my legs and feet were as numb as every other part of my body.

I had known it was coming but it only softened the blow marginally, and for the first time in a long while, I felt disconnected from my own life. For so long I had thrown all my efforts into making sure that nothing could go wrong, never allowing myself to get into a situation that delineated control to anyone other than me, and I knew it was immature and naive of me to think that my rationale would apply to my career.

It was a cold November afternoon in New York, and as I meandered through the city lost in my own thoughts, it felt like that warm summer night in Forks when I had my life's purpose stolen from me then, as well. I hated to draw comparisons between the two situations, but besides my parents, and Rose and Alice, there was nothing I had loved more in my life than my job and Edward Cullen.

And now I had lost both of them, and neither of them by choice.

The loss of Edward had come on suddenly, and without notice, and it left me drowning in myself for a long time. It was like pulling a band aid. Quick and easy but painful to the point that I tried to block it out as much as I could. However, with this current loss, I had had some warning and had been left with a twelve month severance, so I didn't feel as lost as I was back then.

It still hurt, though.

I ended up sitting on a bench somewhere, people around me trying to catch an early train home from the city before three in the afternoon, and normally I would be right in the mayhem with them all, but today I realized I had all the time in the world. With no one's time table to follow but my own, I would shortly find out how fun of a person, or how boring, I really was.

I was lost somewhere in the memory of my first day of work six years ago when my phone rang loudly in my bag, and I fished through it for a moment before I answered it and put the phone to my ear.

"Hey, Mom."

"How was it, sweetie?" I could tell by her tone that she was treading lightly, trying not to jump into this conversation with her emotions not held in check. It amazed me how thousands of miles away and she was still able to read my emotions and hold our conversation accordingly. I felt my heart warm beneath the layers I had on to ward off the late fall's chill.

I sighed. "Well, as expected, I guess. My last day is December 28." It was the first time I had spoken since I had left the office over an hour ago, and I couldn't try to hide the rejection from my voice if I tried.

"Ah, sorry, Bells." My dad chimed in then, and I could almost see the downward shift in his mustache through the phone.

"You're better than them, anyway."

Laughing, I tucked my hair behind my ear and replied, my voice slightly louder and stronger than it was a few minutes ago. "Thanks, Mom."

"They expect you to work another month before you can go?" My mom asked after I had filled them in on how the meeting went from beginning to end.

"If I want my severance package, then yes. And it's actually a pretty decent package, so it could be worse. And naturally, it's contingent on job performance."

"Thank God for that. How are you, though?" My mom questioned again, and I tried to organize my thoughts and put my emotions into words but I came up empty handed.

"I'm okay, I think. I just – I don't think I remember who I am without this job." I said after a few moments of contemplation.

"I know you loved it. It was a great job, Bella. But that's all it was, sweetie. A job. You're young. You'll find a job in no time. Any employer would be lucky to have you."

Deep down, I knew she was right, and not just because she was my mom and knew me better than I knew myself. Logically, all I needed to do was look at my own father to know that sometimes your best career moves comes later in life, and I knew from firsthand experience that his own change in his career led us to Forks, and I would always be grateful for that.

The vibrations coming from my phone were texts from Rose and Alice, two of the most important things Forks had given me.

I nodded, even though she couldn't see me. "I know. Tyler's been trying to get a few things lined up for me."

It was true. Almost every night for the past few nights he had come home with different phone numbers or emails to give me to hold on to, his network as a lawyer here in the city never leaving me short of opportunity. I had placed them all on the refrigerator, grateful to have more to cover up Alice's Save the Date. The more the merrier.

I heard the weight lift off of my mom's shoulders over the line, her voice full of relief. "It won't be long then. Maybe you can take some time for yourself. You can always come back out here for a bit, baby."

"I'll be back for the wedding in February. I guess I could extend the vacation now considering I won't have a job to rush back to." The thought of staying in Forks for a little longer after the wedding wasn't something I was opposed to but it would depend on Tyler's work schedule and the flexibility with his firm.

"The wedding isn't for over two months, who knows? You'll probably find something by then."

"Yeah, probably. You getting things ready for Thanksgiving?"

My brain was on overload, and I could only talk about my depressing reality for so long before the need to change the subject became overwhelming, especially knowing I was going to have to have the same conversation two more times today with Tyler and Alice and Rose. I let my parents take over the conversation, appreciating the fact that they were doing most of the talking for me. Their voices, even though they were still telling me about the latest fiasco in their Thanksgiving preparations, soothed me momentarily, and I closed my eyes to revel in the feeling of home that seemed to permeate the air around me. It blanketed me, cloaked me in comfort and grounded me in gratitude.

Even though I was soon to be jobless, I knew just how lucky I was. Days like today made me so grateful for having them in my life, and in a flash my mind was on Edward, and how I was the lucky one and he was not.

It was something that I had done since childhood and it was a habit that I just could not shake. Whenever I was feeling down on myself and my luck or my situation, I always reminded myself that whatever it was, it was fleeting, and that Edward had always gotten the short end of the stick.

We had been born into similar situations, having birth mothers not able to stay past birth, but the similarities ended there. Where my world was full of warmth and stability and peace, his was filled with coldness and different rooms in ever changing houses and homes, and yet our rocky roads somehow met beneath the gray skies and green trees of Forks.

I didn't think I would ever be able to think about my own life without thinking of Edward's.

I wished I didn't.

I wished a day would go by when I wouldn't think of him, but I still did, even though ten years had gone by since I could claim him as my own.

I wished that when something monumental happened in my life, my first instinct would be to call Tyler. Instead, my brain always thought about Edward. On a day like today, instead of seeking comfort from my current boyfriend, I sat here imagining a life with Edward.

Maybe it was just a bad habit. Edward invading my thoughts was something that had happened since I was ten years old, and maybe it was something that I just couldn't kick, no matter how bad the habit was.

When the sun cast the last of its golden embers into the fading fall sky, I left my bench and headed home with a clear but heavy heart. In the end, I knew I would be okay, even if I may not have felt it at that moment. I had spent the rest of the day on the bench reflecting either within the confines of my own thoughts, or with the comforts from Alice and Rose and Tyler through the phone.

When I walked through the door forty minutes later, a small smile graced my lips for the first time in hours at the smell of my favorite comfort food wafting from the kitchen. It didn't matter that the smile itself was so small that it may not have actually counted as a real smile. What mattered was the reason why it appeared.

I had thought that he was at work all day, but I was wrong. Apparently Tyler was home, in our kitchen, slaving away at one of my favorite meals to cheer me up after my disastrous day. He must not have heard me walk in, considering that I used the word 'walk' very loosely. _Dragged myself in_ was more accurate, and I took advantage of my unknown presence for a moment and watched him from the door of the kitchen, leaning against it quietly.

A chef he was not, but he made it look good. With oven mitts on his hands, I watched as he took out a homemade pizza from the oven, careful not to let any of the sauce spill out of the sides. Extra sauce on homemade pizza was my favorite, and my heart swelled at the thought of him remembering that little fact.

The truth was that in the two years that we had been together, Tyler really was nothing short of amazing. He had swept me off of my feet despite how firmly planted they were into the ground, despite how cautious I was, and it wasn't just because of how he filled out a tailored suit or the number of zeros he made in a year. It was the way he always thought the world of me, the way he remembered minute details that I thought worth remembering, the way he put himself second to me and our relationship.

I did not deserve him.

Tyler was aware of all of my friends back in Forks, and had met most of them over the course of our relationship. He had gotten Rose and Alice's stamp of approval, even my father's despite him not having any interest in the Seahawks or their playoff run. Mom was ecstatic of course, and neither of them had any protests when it came to us moving in together after Christmas last year.

I had told him about Edward but I had glossed over the fact that my thoughts always drifted back to him, unexpectedly and without cause.

We had spent the last eleven months happily in our New York City apartment, losing ourselves in each other and our happiness, so the sight before me didn't come as a shock.

He had on one of my cooking aprons, and he went back and forth from the oven to the table, setting it up exactly the way it should be. Dinner, wine, low lighting.

He really was perfect, and I regretted not coming home sooner.

"Maybe I should lose my job more often?" My voice tore through his concentration, and he turned around sharply, nearly dropping the bottle of wine he held in his grasp.

"Holy sh-" He started but I stepped over to him and covered his mouth with my hand.

"Sorry," I laughed at him, shaking my head at my own impulsiveness. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to interrupt but it looked too good to wait." I pointed over at the pizza, almost tasting it in my mouth as I eyed it on the table. I smiled at the significance of our first homemade pizza a year ago and the memory made me smile.

Tyler shrugged, "It's not much but I thought it would make you feel a little better."

I let him take me into his arms, and I wrapped my arms around his waist in response. My voice sounded muffled against his chest. "It's too much."

"You okay?"

I turned to look up at him and nodded reluctantly. "I will be. " Pointing at the deliciousness before me, I added, "This is a start."

"I'll take that."

When he bent his head to touch my lips with his own, I didn't hesitate. After a few moments, he pulled back and kissed me gently on the nose.

"Go change. This should be done in a few minutes."

I took my time getting into my favorite pair of sweats and one of Tyler's tee shirts, sliding into my slippers and pulling my hair up into a messy bun. I could have gone out with the rest of my friends from work, drinking my way into a state of forgetfulness, but as I flopped onto our fluffy couch, in a mix of tears and laughter, I knew staying in the comfort of my own home was where I belonged for the evening.

And later in our bed, when Tyler kissed away the rest of the world, I let him without hesitation.

\- - - tr - - -

"Okay, how is your connection?"

It was a few weeks after the fateful day of my pre-termination, and I found myself Face Timing Alice inside a small dressing room at one of New York's many bridal boutiques. I had gotten the call a few days earlier that my bridesmaid's dress had arrived, and since Alice and I were arranging this order across the country, I made my appointment as soon as I could in order to get started on the alterations. Alice's face froze and unfroze haphazardly on the screen, which was par for the course in the world of FaceTime.

It didn't help that she was in Seattle and I was in New York.

"Good on my end, yours?" I answered her, trying to maneuver myself and the dress behind the curtain.

"Yes. Good to go!" Alice replied, and I could hear the anxiousness in her voice despite the undecided connection.

"Okay, I'll call you back."

I hung up before Alice had a chance to continue, throwing my purse and my phone onto the little chair in the dressing room, and eventually made my way into the dress.

It was a beautiful black dress, long and puckered throughout the bottom, and the black of the dress would look beautiful against the deep red of the roses Alice had picked out for our bouquets. It was strapless and tapered at the waist and completely out of my league, but even I had to admit that this was the kind of dress that flattered anyone who stepped into it. Even if Alice wasn't one of my most favorite people on earth, I would have a hard time saying no to wearing it.

After a couple of spins behind the curtain, I flung the curtain back along its track and called her back.

She answered on the first ring.

I scanned the phone up and down and all around for a minute, letting Alice take it all in. She was silent for a moment, so I was the one who spoke first, albeit cautiously. "I think we pulled it off." I spoke slowly into the room, watching as my consultant nodded her head enthusiastically in the corner.

"Oh my God, we did! It looks great! You look amazing!" Alice shrieked, and I joined her in her excitement. It really did look great, and for a second I imagined myself spinning around the dance floor with the dress flowing around me.

"I may have to agree with you. This dress really is great."

"We still have a couple more adjustments to make but nothing that won't be ready for the big day." My consultant, Kate, chimed in and twirled her fingers in a quick circular motion in the air, and I stepped up and turned around so my back was facing her in front of the mirrors that caught me at every angle.

I took notice that these mirrors captured my every flaw. Why did they always have the most unflattering mirrors in these places?

"When's the big day again?"

"February 24th. Still have a little time but the little details are starting to pile up." Alice moaned.

"A Valentine's wedding. How sweet!" Kate cooed and started the beginnings of the alteration process.

"Not to mention cheap!" Alice returned, and the two of them dove right into a discussion on weddings that I knew nothing about, making me shake my head and disappear comfortably in my thoughts.

I let the two of them chat back and forth through FaceTime together as I was clipped and zipped and twirled some more. On the last tug from Kate, my eyes narrowed in on the price tag hanging from the side of the dress, and I was grateful that I had already paid my dress in full before I was laid off.

It was one week from Christmas, which meant ten more days until I was on my own. Being able to collect twelve months of severance was so incredibly fortunate, but I still had to spend wisely. I had already gotten our plane tickets for the first week of February to head back home to Forks for the wedding, and I listened as Alice and Kate discussed wedding costs. Alice and Jasper were paying for their own wedding, as their relationships with their parents were strained, and with Jasper being an adjunct professor of communication at a community college and Alice being an ER Nurse, Alice was all about simplifying costs wherever she could.

Even the thought of planning my own wedding made me shudder in my spot.

I liked to think it was the cost that had me fanning my face in the suddenly hot room, but my heart tightened when an image of what I would see at the alter before I began my final waltz down the aisle flashed before my eyes.

I abandoned my thoughts before they took me any further, and with Kate's clamps firmly in place, we set a tentative timeline for when I would be able to come in and pick up the dress.

\- - - tr - - -

"You totally rocked that dress, Bella," Alice said the following night over the phone during our weekly call with Rose. "You're gonna knock his socks off."

"I showed Tyler the pictures of the dress when I got home," I replied, the phone set on speaker so I could continue wrapping Christmas presents. My parents were coming out to New York for Christmas, and even though they claimed they were coming for the tourist experience, I think my last day of work was what really had them coming all the way across the country. I slid the present under the tree and reached for another one. "He definitely liked it."

"I don't think she's talking about Tyler." Rose interjected with a laugh, always the blunt one.

There was a pause on the line and I sighed.

"I'm not going to the wedding to impress Edward, you guys. I'm going for Alice. Alice and Jasper. Edward just so happens to be going."

It was the elephant in the room, and I was lucky throughout all the months of planning this wedding that this topic hadn't come up sooner.

I wondered if I downplayed it enough that they would stop bothering me and we could move on and forget this conversation ever happened.

All of a sudden the damn tape wouldn't budge and I flung it in frustration.

Why did I get the feeling that this was an ambush encounter?

"Are you sure you guys are gonna be cool? I know you don't like to talk about it, but –"

"I have no plans on ruining your wedding, Alice."

"That thought never crossed my mind. I just want to make sure you're comfortable."

Transfixed by the fire roaring in the fireplace, I took a moment before answering her. I chose my words wisely, careful not to show just how uncomfortable I really was going to be at the wedding.

It wasn't about me, and it absolutely would not become something else for Alice and Jasper to worry about.

"I'll be fine. It's not like Edward and I haven't seen each other." I prayed my words came off as nonchalant as I was aiming for.

"Just that one time." Alice reasoned.

"At Lauren's college graduation party?" Rose remembered.

I nodded with my eyes closed, "Yeah." I tried not to remember how he looked, or how those green eyes pierced me like daggers across the room.

"That was for like, two seconds." Alice never forgot anything.

"I'm friends with him on Facebook. That counts." I countered, and I grabbed my phone and searched through the app to find Edward's page.

Rose laughed on the line, "It would count if Edward actually logged on. He's one of those people that goes on once a year and likes all your shit at once so you get a hundred notifications in a day."

She was right. We were cordial on social media, and I wasn't sure if that even mattered at all in the scheme of things, considering it would be a million times more awkward in person.

Alice was right, too. Edward and I did see each other at Lauren's college graduation party, but we were only in the same room for all of two minutes before Mike Newton threw up all over the kitchen and we all scattered. We didn't have time to talk, let alone discuss anything that would help make this upcoming encounter a little easier on everyone, especially the bride and groom.

"Are you sure you'll be okay?"

I thought of little Alice and little Jasper, how happy they were together when we were kids, and how happy they were now. A small smile crossed my face.

"I promise."

There wasn't anything I wouldn't do for Alice.

"That dress is still going to kill him."

 _Thanks, Rose._

\- - - tr - - -

Christmas came and went easily enough, and the visit with my parents was exactly what my soul needed three days later when I cleared out my desk and filled a box up of all my belongings that I had acquired over my years at the company. The day was somber and filled with tears from almost everyone on our floor, and we made the best of it for as long as we could. Some left early for Happy Hour even though there wasn't much to be happy about, some slowly gathered their things one last time, and a few, like myself, lingered to say our goodbyes to colleagues that had become friends.

Those few that were left behind met everyone downtown for drinks, and Tyler was kind enough to literally carry my ass home later on that night. My parents laughed at me, Tyler put up with me, Rose and Alice couldn't understand me through my tears and hiccups.

All in all, it wasn't my proudest moment, and it took me two days to recover and start to feel like myself again.

A few days later my parents hopped on a plane back home, I snuggled into what could have been my permanent place on the couch with the Hallmark Channel on 24/7, and Tyler went back to work after the New Year. Tia and I and a few other friends from work met for lunch a few times a week to keep ourselves from falling into the tempting waves of depression, and three weeks later I finally had the motivation to change out of pajamas during the day time and step into the gym that was on the top floor of our apartment building.

With all my huffing and puffing, it wasn't pretty, but it helped motivate me. It got me out of the apartment and gave me something to do.

In the middle of January, as I toweled myself off from a shower after a long day of resume writing and an afternoon session in the gym, I found myself following a path of pictures of Tyler and I over the years. They were scattered across the floor leading out of our bedroom and down the hall towards the living room. Our first vacation, our first anniversary, and the last picture, our first picture of us at our apartment.

It didn't dawn on me what was happening until I looked up and saw him on one knee in front of me with a black velvet box in his hand.

\- - - tr - - -

 **Thanks for reading! See you next time!**


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